My birthday

Good morning all. It's Saturday, September 1 at 3:37 am. If you know me or have followed my blog at all you are not surprised that I'm up and writing at this hour. This is the God hour. The hour the thoughts come. This morning I am thinking about my birthday coming up in two days. On Labor Day, Monday, September 3, 2012 I will be 43 years old. Thank You, Mother / Father God for blessing me to get this close.

I'm having a party on Saturday, September 8 at Vibrations (home of Red Stories) and you are invited. Yes you. Please come out and celebrate with me. Vibrations is at 2435 Manchester Blvd., Inglewood, CA 90305. It's a potluck so any dish, drink, snack you bring will be greatly appreciated. It starts at 8pm and I don't know how long we will be there.

As for my gifts, here is what I want:
1. If a brother comes up to you and asks you to buy his cd, if you can, buy it. Please look in his eyes and say hello. Ask about his family and listen to his work.

2. If you know a sister living with bipolar or any mental illness, call her today. Especially if you haven't heard from her in a while. Checking on her Facebook page is not enough. She knows better than to show her true feelings on Facebook. Ask me how I know.

Call her and if she is having an episode just listen. She is not asking you to fix her, be her therapist, minister, healer. Listeners are more valuable than you know. Give her a safe place to express. Let it be ok that she cannot explain to you what's wrong.

I have lived with the mania and the depression of bipolar II for so so many years but was only diagnosed this year. I have known for many years that something was ...not right. But because I couldn't explain the episodes, I hid when I felt them coming. I hid from the people who loved me the most. I still hide from my family. It's my way. I don't want them to feel helpless. I feel like they wouldn't understand, because I don't even understand and during an episode I am not in a space to explain. I don't want to be judged when I come back to even. I don't want every emotional expression to be dismissed as an episode. The reasons I hide from the ones who love me go on and on. How am I right now? I'm well. I think this is coming up because this has been a pretty heavy week. I went to not one but two funerals TODAY. That's a first for me. I have never heard of anyone going to two funerals in the same day. I questioned whether or not I should. I went and am glad I did. For myself and for the families.

Now it is 4:06 am and I am still writing. Sitting up in bed. With "Love." And I am very private about us so... But I am up, writing. Letting these words out of my head so that I can sleep. These whatever words about birthday and bipolar II and hiding. These words and thoughts I don't plan but just come in the God hour asking to be set free.