This is the part of being bipolar I hate. This down down down. This thing that seems bigger than I. This thing I am never sure I can fucking crawl out of. This shit that has me crying for no fucking thing. This part right now.
I posted this on the wall of group site I am a part of. The group consists of women in slam poetry. And though I have not been a slam woman in a kagillion years (but I'm still pretty slammin', don't trip) they let me play.
These women know hurt and wonder. We are feeling, connecting beings. I knew they would understand. There were many comments letting me know I'm not alone in this ocean and I will hold all of their words in the folds of my gut for when I need them again. To remember, to share. And these two love notes...aww, just read for yourself:
"believe there is a bottom in the drowing/ it is the thing to look foward to/ you will connect and push up/ and then there will be the journey back to the surface/ guided by the barest glimmer of the sun/ the beam you can barely feel/ but know is there/ till the moment there is contact/ and you are warmer than you were/ but still not warm enough/ then you will know that you have learned how to drown/ and still breathe/ that you / in this ocean/ are a fish/ not mammal/ but gilled/ and able to be/ beneath the surface of things/ with glistening skin/ and wide eyes/ darting/ dangers/ and surviving ..." by Afra Karen
"I'll share with you something that my Dad says to me in times where life or my emotions seem overwhelming that has helped me to feel the calm that this will pass and I am actually grooming better and better skills to cope and attain responsibility of the challenge I bear in my blood and chemistry everyday whether I realize that or not.
He is someone I greatly admire for his beautiful, sensitive vantage point having been on this earth for 85 years and growing still. So I hope the words reach you from one stranger to another and you appreciate I am saying I am with you through them:
'Sometimes you gotta just kick up your heels and float down stream baby. Sometimes you just gotta float.'" by Blythe Baldwin