Friday, May 9, 2014

theres a lot of hiding
theres a lot of pretending to be okay
theres a lot of debating about whether or not the fucking meds have ever done any good
theres a lot of needing to do something with your fingers
theres a lot of crying
there just is
theres a lot of not being able to explain anything to anyone around you
and so
theres a lot of hiding
theres a lot of wanting to reach out
but then
what would you say that you havent said before
theres a lot of knowing that this is not the right time
to break down
to rest
to sleep
to sleep sleep
theres a lot of wanting to explode
theres very little sleep
very little
and so
theres a lot of time
time
time time
time to remember all the time
theres a lot of time to count
theres a lot of counting
theres a lot of rushing past mirrors
there are a lot of covers on the floor
there are a lot of clothes on the floor
there are books on the floor
theres very little cleaning up
theres a lot of wanting to be able to sleep
there are so many hours
there are so many weird awake dreams
about flying
about rats
about mice
about fires
about hands
there is a lot of being afraid to go to sleep
because there are so many monsters
there are all these fingers
moving fingers
theres a lot of wanting to stop writing
poetry
stories
words
musings
blogs
stuff
stuff stuff
journal entries
letters
email
theres a lot of wanting all the stuff off the floor
theres a lot of wanting help
theres little actual asking for it
there is absolutely no desire to go into the hospital
again
there is a need to
there is all this this
there is all this that
there is all this down down down down
there is all this smile when someone says how are you
there is all this i am okay
there is all this nowhere to look
there is all this need to change the furniture
there is no energy to do it
there is all this want to tie yourself up
there is all this staring at stuff
at pills
at plants
at photos
at pills
pills
there is all this talking to yourself
there is all this knowing that this is the wrong time
there is all this gratitude that this is the wrong time
there is all this nothing to say
there is all this wanting to say
there is all this wanting it to go away
there is all this knowing it wont
there is all this waiting

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