Thursday, October 29, 2015

I am thankful for this beautiful day
spent well with my son
healthy and happy
I am thankful for easy conversations
for love and peace and ease
I am thankful for being thankful
and loved
yes loved

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

It's 10:04 am and I am at school. As usual I am early for my class. Instead of going into the office to grade papers and read I chose to go for a quick walk around the perimeter of the school. Get some exercise in before class. I feel good. I plan to walk more during lunch after my second class.

Wednesday is my long day. After school I go to work with the Center Theatre Group at The World Stage then I usually stay for the poetry after.

I slept so well last night and woke up feeling really good. Uraeus is at school today too. I pray we are both safe and under God's protection while we are out and that we get in safely. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

It's 8:31 and I am home with Uraeus. I am thankful for us waking up and seeing this beautiful new day. God is good. I feel good. On my way to a meeting and then to doctor. Praying that God will order my voice and my steps today.

2:30 pm. I am in my car in front of my doctor's office. I just left the UPS store shipping off a painting I sold. I didn't want to go all the way home so I came straight here. My appointment isn't until 4:30 but I have some writing, reading and studying to do. I won't be bored. Plus I believe she will see me a bit early if I check in early. Also it gives me time to journal and release words and thoughts that can build up in my head if I don't let them out.

6:40 pm. I am home. Thankful for another day. Thankful for a good meeting today and seeing my doctor. She was concerned, as am I, that the depression and anxiety is lasting as long as it is and is as heavy as it is. "You're too sad." She said. And I agree. I have been having very low energy and low thoughts for too long. Low and scary. "These are not my thoughts, this isn't me." I told her. And she agreed. "The depression is taking over." She said. We had a good conversation and in the end I agreed to a new medication to lift the depression. I don't really want to be on one more pill but I need something to lift this. Medication is in addition to my regular regiment of prayer, meditation, self love (what I can muster), art therapy and exercise. I'm working on me and God ain't through with me yet. Smile. This is me loving myself. This is me being honest with myself and you. I'm starting off on a very low dosage but I'll keep posting to show progress. Prayerfully progress.

7:35 pm. Watching the news and I see in Columbia, South Carolina a sixteen year old black girl was pulled out of her desk in class and slammed to the ground by a white cop. I don't know what she did and I don't care. The video is heartbreaking and nothing she could have done could have warranted that. Talk about excessive force! What is the message here? She was arrested for disturbing the school. According to another student, that officer is known as Officer Slam around the school because he slams people. This is horrifying! Also another student was arrested for disturbing the school for standing in defense of the girl who was slammed. The lead sheriff is doing an investigation and said he will have his review in by tomorrow.

This is the world we are living in. I have to believe there is more good in the world than bad. I have to. This is where the sadness comes from. It is hard to watch news like this and not cry for our babies. For our world. For me. For you.

Monday, October 26, 2015

It's 11:20 am and I am at home. I am playing a character in Sage's video today and I'm honored to be a part of the project. I teach my fiction class tonight after the shoot. I do enjoy that class.

I'm feeling anxious again. Thankfully I see my doctor tomorrow. I have things to tell her. I keep thinking about it. I don't want to but I do. Like these aren't even my thoughts. But they come.

I'm gonna be alright
I'm gonna be alright
I'm alright right now
I'm alright right now

I am thankful for this day
For waking up and seeing my son wake up
I am thankful for food and shelter
For love in my life
I am thankful

4:38 pm and I am at USC. I'm sitting in the car right now getting my thoughts together. I'm early as usual. I'm just coming from the video shoot that went very well by the way. I love that I have so many artistic friends producing such beautiful work.

9:38 pm, home from class. Class went well. I really love that class. I wish I had more of them during the week. I have an early meeting tomorrow and it may be a long one also I see my doctor tomorrow evening. I'm looking forward to seeing her because I have some things to tell her. I anticipate a good nights rest as Uraeus and I home safely together. I am about to turn in now. Good night all.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

It's 1:56 pm and I am at home. I had a wonderful breakfast with Marlow at a local vegetarian spot. I have missed my friend. She and I rarely see each other so our getting together this morning for food and conversation and face to face time was perfect. Getting ready now to go to Carson for Food 4 Thot's book signing. That should be a great time as well seeing folks I love. This has been an easy day. I am thankful. So thankful for days like this.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

It's 10:04 am and I am at home. Uraeus and I are here together. Happy, healthy, blessed. I am thankful. I have a pretty full day today. At 2 I'm meeting with a women's writing group I write with monthly in L.A. then at 6:30 I'm performing at a birthday party in Long Beach. I don't know the people but I'm thankful for the gig. Earlier I did some light cleaning and later I'll complete some paperwork for Center Theatre Group, a weekly group I work with, then I'll make some time to grade papers for class next week. Also get my lesson together for my Monday night class. I'm really thankful for the energy to do these things. God is good. I'm feeling well and am super happy about that.

In other news, I think I'm letting my hair grow again. I'm loving my gray temples. I'm loving myself. Yes, yes I'm loving myself.

Friday, October 23, 2015

It's 5:06 pm and I am sitting in a comfortable chair in the Barnes and Nobel at The Grove. I am with Uraeus. I'm usually with him when I'm here. He's getting a book for school and doing some looking around. This chair really does feel good. It's in the perfect spot to read, people watch and look out the big window it's next to. I can see people on the first, second and third floors.

5:20 pm and Uraeus just told me that they don't have the book he's looking for but wants to stay a bit longer. I love that he loves hanging out in the bookstore. I love that he's such a reader. These days I'm reading A LESSON BEFORE DYING by Ernest J. Gaines. I'm loving it. I'm taking my time through it though. I've only been reading a couple of chapters a day. I get to work early and sit in the main office before class and read. Sometimes I grade papers. I'm getting tired of grading papers. Getting a bit tired of the classroom too, truth be told. I'm loving the adult fiction class I teach through CLI at USC though. I'm praying for something to come through that I love to take the place of my daytime classes. I'm just getting a bit burnt out with the politics and pay of teaching high school. I'm trying not to judge myself by how that sounds. Sometimes I'm afraid of high school classes. Not afraid of the students but when I'm going through a period of depression I get afraid of having a breakdown in front of my students. I'm afraid of the uncontrollable weeping for no reason and not being able to stop. It's never happened, but it's a fear. When I'm too depressed and anxious I don't go in. I'm good at communicating with my boss (who also happens to be my friend) when I'm on the ledge. It hasn't happened this semester at all but it did a couple of times last semester when I was at Jefferson. I was actually supposed to be at Jefferson again this semester in addition to the three classes I have at Fairfax but on the first day of my class at Jefferson I was so triggered and knew I was not going to maintain the energy to be a match for that class. I finished the week there and just stayed at Fairfax. My classes are good and the program I work for is great, just, like I said, I'm a bit burnt out. It happens. I give myself credit for admitting it to myself and my boss.

I taught three classes today and was actually looking forward to going home and...

5:43 pm. Uraeus is ready.

6:22 pm. We're home.

Monday, October 19, 2015

It's 3:21 pm and I am at USC getting ready for the fiction class I'm teaching for CLI. I'm here super early because the cable and internet in my area went out and I need to see the lesson that was just sent to me. This is a pleasant sacrifice because I was available and wanted to get out of the apartment anyway.

I'm feeling good this day. I got up early and went for a good walk. I drove to the park where I usually walk and had a good exercise period. I am so thankful for having my car back. So thankful.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

It's 3:41 pm and I am at home. It's Red Stories day and I am getting ready to hear Wyatt and Linda Underwood share poems and stories. Today was a beautiful day. Uraeus and I are well and spent the night with our family in Long Beach. The car is running great and I am full of energy and light.

I am thankful for waking up this morning with family
Thankful for seeing visiting uncles and great conversations
I am at peace and ease and am thankful for the energy I have
This is a new day and I am blessed to be among the living in it
I am thankful for thankful today

Friday, October 16, 2015

It's 8:36 am and I am at home. Prayed, showered, dressed, lessons prepared, ready for work and buses to work. I'm feeling well this morning. Looking forward to this day. Looking forward to going to Long Beach after work with Uraeus to see my family. My uncles are visiting and I'm excited to see them. Hopefully the car will be ready today or tomorrow. I am thankful for this day. I intend to make it a good one. Hope you have a good day too.

3:52 pm
I had a good day today. Three good classes. Plus, the car is ready. Yay!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

It's 4:14 pm and I am at home. I feel sort of normal today. A little low on energy but better than I have been the past few days. I'm good. I didn't have to work today, just prepare a lesson for tomorrows classes which I'll do later on this evening. I'm determined to write and pray through this. This this.

I had a conversation with C-Bone last night at The World Stage about doing an interview with me around mental health issues, specifically bipolar and depression. Every time I do a poem on the subject someone comes up to me to discuss his or her own issues. This thing is big and people are suffering in silence and want someone to tell. People want to know that they are not alone in their feelings. They want to know that they are safe. I want people to know that they are safe too. That bipolar looks likes me. Not always the lady who sleeps on the bus stop and talks to herself. So when you say them, you are talking about me too. You are talking about your loved one too whom you may not know is dealing with this beast.

I want people to know that there is life with this. That it does not have to be a life of suffering but that prayer and art helps. Greatly. The Most High has saved my life. Through art and friends and family and words and breath and exercise and water and food and love. Yes love. I have my down days but I am here. I also have days when I am way too up and coming down feels impossible and that's a part of being bipolar, but again, I am here. I also have days when I am very level and I see so much beauty in the world. I laugh, I tell jokes, I write poetry, I paint pictures, I am living. It ain't always pretty, but I'm here and truthfully my beach days outweigh my bad days.

4:33 pm
My car is still in the shop. I was hoping to be able to pick it up today while I was off and drive to work tomorrow but the shop is still waiting on another part. That's okay. So what, I'll be on the bus again. I still have my health and strength and Uraeus is well and fed and at peace.

I am thankful today for waking up this morning
For Uraeus waking up this morning
For the health and strength of my family and friends
I am thankful for energy to go and pay my phone bill and get water and groceries from the store
For a peaceful walk home
For love and friends in my life
For peace
For words and poetry and this blog where I let go thoughts I would otherwise hold onto
I am thankful for being thankful

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

It's 8:19 am and I am at home. Ready for work today. Took a shower today, which I didn't have energy to do yesterday. I am thankful. I woke up feeling thankful. Uraeus is already on his way to school. I pray for three good classes today. I pray for energy and ease. I am thankful for my health and strength and the health and strength of my son. I am thankful for another opportunity to look at the sky, at the sun, to give thanks. I've been praying a lot, as usual. I have been giving thanks and trying to be present in the moment.

My thoughts and prayers go out to those who don't feel like they have anyone to talk to and are silently suffering. To those who have no creative outlet or prayer or meditation or hands to hold. May they be blessed with peace and ease today.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

It's 2:32 pm and I am at home. I am feeling better today than yesterday. Class went well last night and I had the energy I needed to lead it. Yes! Today I woke up still feeling a bit low but thankful for the new day. I think the new meds may have something to do with my low energy. I don't know but will talk to doctor on my next visit. I did manage to check my email and do laundry and some light cleaning today. I am thankful for that. Praying for energy for work tomorrow. I'm gone be alright!

Monday, October 12, 2015

It's 1:44 pm and I am at home. This bout of depression is lasting longer than is comfortable for me. Thank God for prayer. For constant communication with God, the only being I know to whom I am able to communicate my feelings. I am not sad. Depression is not sadness. I am low. My energy, my desire to do much...low. I congratulate myself on the simplest things, making the bed, brushing my teeth, getting in the shower. All that. This morning I walked to the gym, stayed a short time then walked back home. That was good for me. Especially since I didn't get out of the apartment at all yesterday.

I'm teaching a fiction class tonight. My car is still in the shop so I'll be catching the bus to USC. But that's cool. Thankfully I'll catch a ride home with Penelope after class. I'm getting ready for the class now. Getting my energy. Getting my get up. Come on get up, come on.

Still I am thankful. Thankful for waking up this morning. Thankful for the strength I have. For my health and the health and safety of my son, my family. May this class go well tonight and the energy I need show up.