Friday, October 23, 2015

It's 5:06 pm and I am sitting in a comfortable chair in the Barnes and Nobel at The Grove. I am with Uraeus. I'm usually with him when I'm here. He's getting a book for school and doing some looking around. This chair really does feel good. It's in the perfect spot to read, people watch and look out the big window it's next to. I can see people on the first, second and third floors.

5:20 pm and Uraeus just told me that they don't have the book he's looking for but wants to stay a bit longer. I love that he loves hanging out in the bookstore. I love that he's such a reader. These days I'm reading A LESSON BEFORE DYING by Ernest J. Gaines. I'm loving it. I'm taking my time through it though. I've only been reading a couple of chapters a day. I get to work early and sit in the main office before class and read. Sometimes I grade papers. I'm getting tired of grading papers. Getting a bit tired of the classroom too, truth be told. I'm loving the adult fiction class I teach through CLI at USC though. I'm praying for something to come through that I love to take the place of my daytime classes. I'm just getting a bit burnt out with the politics and pay of teaching high school. I'm trying not to judge myself by how that sounds. Sometimes I'm afraid of high school classes. Not afraid of the students but when I'm going through a period of depression I get afraid of having a breakdown in front of my students. I'm afraid of the uncontrollable weeping for no reason and not being able to stop. It's never happened, but it's a fear. When I'm too depressed and anxious I don't go in. I'm good at communicating with my boss (who also happens to be my friend) when I'm on the ledge. It hasn't happened this semester at all but it did a couple of times last semester when I was at Jefferson. I was actually supposed to be at Jefferson again this semester in addition to the three classes I have at Fairfax but on the first day of my class at Jefferson I was so triggered and knew I was not going to maintain the energy to be a match for that class. I finished the week there and just stayed at Fairfax. My classes are good and the program I work for is great, just, like I said, I'm a bit burnt out. It happens. I give myself credit for admitting it to myself and my boss.

I taught three classes today and was actually looking forward to going home and...

5:43 pm. Uraeus is ready.

6:22 pm. We're home.

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