Tuesday, May 24, 2016

It's 5:03 pm and I am sitting in my car on the side of Kaiser waiting for Uraeus to finish physical therapy. I've been home all day today so being out feels good. I don't have much gas so I'm not going far but I'll make one stop at the store before we head back home.

Today is Heavy D's birthday. He would have been 49 and KDAY is honoring him by playing his songs. Feels good. I miss him. Miss hearing his music.

I'm fighting off a heaviness. Z called me yesterday and told me she has colon cancer. That news hit hard although I tried to be a cheerleader while she was on the phone. My love, prayers and thoughts are with her and her family. I have known Z a long time and I sure am wishing the best for her.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Yesterday my nephew went to the prom! He and his date, Lauren were lovely. Time is flying by. He graduates this year and is off to college in July. Something changed with the settings on this blog so I can't figure out how to load photos. As soon as I get it together I'll posts the loads of photos I took at Reuben's pre prom party.

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Happy birthday Malcolm X!
I am thankful for this day. Thankful for waking up. Thankful for Uraeus waking up. I am loving my friends and family and am ever thankful for them in my life. I am thankful for peace and ease. For time at home today. For love and forgiveness. I am thankful for being thankful today.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Dear Dietra,

You will feel the ups and the downs. There is no one way to grieve the loss of your mother. Know that you have friends who love you and who will hold you however you present. We will sit with you, laugh with you, cry with you. We will whatever. We love you. Get back safely and looking forward to seeing you when you return. One day at a time, sis. One day at a time.

Jaha

Saturday, May 14, 2016

It's 7:16 pm and I am at home. It's a beautiful Saturday. The weather is nice and I am feeling well. I went to a funeral this morning at St. Mark. Maria's sixteen year old son was shot and killed by another black man and woman's son. This is too sad and happens too often. I debated about going to the funeral because I thought about what it would trigger in me. I went. Ultimately I don't think I was ever going to not go. I didn't get there in time to view the body but was in time for the whole service. One thing about St. Mark is that they do have good funerals. They sing upbeat songs and the service is a praise service and is called a home going ceremony. I like that. I also liked that the preacher, I don't remember his name, didn't brush over the fact that this is still a sad occasion. He began his service by saying to the family and friends of Deron (the deceased) that "You will heal. But not today." Which is true. I don't even know if "heal" is the word. More like, You will deal. But not today. Maria even spoke and was very encouraging to Deron's friends. I don't want to know the pain she is feeling right now. I don't want to know those kinds of ups and downs. I will keep her and her family in my prayers.

There were moments today when I imagined my son's picture in the front where Deron's was and even those thoughts were too painful. I shook them out of my head and tried to stay present. So I sang the songs I knew and celebrated Deron's life with his family and friends. I didn't know him but I know his mother. I grew up with her. Actually she came up more with my sister about four years younger, but still, I've known her forever.

Thankfully I ran into a lot of people I knew from my childhood and it was good to see them. It was also great to see my aunt Janice and I got to meet her friend. I mean "friend." We all talked. I left and saw Maria then took an old school photo with some old friends of mine. Except for the fact that I was at the funeral of a sixteen year old who was senselessly murdered, the day was good. I feel a way saying that.

Oddly my mother was not there so I went by her house to check on her. She was in bed with a headache she's had since Thursday. She gets those long lasting headaches. I gave her my program from the service and we talked a little. Prayerfully the headache will go away soon and she will be up and rolling like she usually is. I said so long to my mom and then headed home.

Uraeus was here when I got home. Playing his video game and working on his computer and doing whatever stuff. I said a prayer of thanksgiving that my son is here. He is home. He is safe. He is healthy. He is fed. He is happy. He is alive. He is free. I have so much to be thankful for.

I have some things going on in my head about my future but I do realize that I am one blessed woman. Right now, I don't want to return to teaching at SW. I haven't been vocal about that but that's how I'm feeling right now. I don't want to work in an office at some 9 to 5. I still have my job and may not leave until I get a new one but I don't know what that will look like right now. I do want to return to teach the fiction class at CLI and I do want to continue to be the artist-in-residence at WP. I'm clear about that. Those two things alone won't cover my expenses though. I'm prayerful about it though. Something will come up. Some days teaching the children gives me too much anxiety and when I'm depressed it's hard to function and I have to fake my way through the hour and that's becoming harder and harder. How did I get here and I started talking about a funeral? Because no matter what's going on what's next for me keeps popping up. That's how.

Well I'm going to eat now and try to enjoy the rest of my Saturday.

Love yourselves today.

Monday, May 9, 2016

It's 1:47 pm and I am at home. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I had a beautiful day. Uraeus and I met my mom, Roshann, Reuben and Deja at church. It was good all being there together. We stopped beforehand and picked up flowers to bring to her at church. She appreciated them. Uraeus also bought me flowers. He was sweet the whole day. He is anyway. After church Roshann and Deja cooked and Donald barbequed. We ate and watched two movies all together gathered cozily in the living room. It was beautiful. Uraeus and I spent the night and I took him to school this morning. I loved it. I slept in the room with my mother and we listened to a book on tape, which is what we usually do when I spend the night. Lovely.

Although I had a good time this Mother's Day my heart was still with Dietra who lost her mother on the 5th just before Mother's Day. Today they are having her body cremated and are gathered together for a final goodbye to her body. I don't know that kind of pain and loss. I don't want to know it. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers today and they were yesterday. Because of what she is going through I spent much of yesterday just appreciating that I still have my mother and am able to talk to her and share with her when I want to. I know that life is life but I never want that to end.

So I send love to all those who don't have their mothers and may experience Mother's Day as a sad experience. To those of you who do have your mothers I hope you appreciate them.

Love y'all.