Saturday, May 14, 2016

It's 7:16 pm and I am at home. It's a beautiful Saturday. The weather is nice and I am feeling well. I went to a funeral this morning at St. Mark. Maria's sixteen year old son was shot and killed by another black man and woman's son. This is too sad and happens too often. I debated about going to the funeral because I thought about what it would trigger in me. I went. Ultimately I don't think I was ever going to not go. I didn't get there in time to view the body but was in time for the whole service. One thing about St. Mark is that they do have good funerals. They sing upbeat songs and the service is a praise service and is called a home going ceremony. I like that. I also liked that the preacher, I don't remember his name, didn't brush over the fact that this is still a sad occasion. He began his service by saying to the family and friends of Deron (the deceased) that "You will heal. But not today." Which is true. I don't even know if "heal" is the word. More like, You will deal. But not today. Maria even spoke and was very encouraging to Deron's friends. I don't want to know the pain she is feeling right now. I don't want to know those kinds of ups and downs. I will keep her and her family in my prayers.

There were moments today when I imagined my son's picture in the front where Deron's was and even those thoughts were too painful. I shook them out of my head and tried to stay present. So I sang the songs I knew and celebrated Deron's life with his family and friends. I didn't know him but I know his mother. I grew up with her. Actually she came up more with my sister about four years younger, but still, I've known her forever.

Thankfully I ran into a lot of people I knew from my childhood and it was good to see them. It was also great to see my aunt Janice and I got to meet her friend. I mean "friend." We all talked. I left and saw Maria then took an old school photo with some old friends of mine. Except for the fact that I was at the funeral of a sixteen year old who was senselessly murdered, the day was good. I feel a way saying that.

Oddly my mother was not there so I went by her house to check on her. She was in bed with a headache she's had since Thursday. She gets those long lasting headaches. I gave her my program from the service and we talked a little. Prayerfully the headache will go away soon and she will be up and rolling like she usually is. I said so long to my mom and then headed home.

Uraeus was here when I got home. Playing his video game and working on his computer and doing whatever stuff. I said a prayer of thanksgiving that my son is here. He is home. He is safe. He is healthy. He is fed. He is happy. He is alive. He is free. I have so much to be thankful for.

I have some things going on in my head about my future but I do realize that I am one blessed woman. Right now, I don't want to return to teaching at SW. I haven't been vocal about that but that's how I'm feeling right now. I don't want to work in an office at some 9 to 5. I still have my job and may not leave until I get a new one but I don't know what that will look like right now. I do want to return to teach the fiction class at CLI and I do want to continue to be the artist-in-residence at WP. I'm clear about that. Those two things alone won't cover my expenses though. I'm prayerful about it though. Something will come up. Some days teaching the children gives me too much anxiety and when I'm depressed it's hard to function and I have to fake my way through the hour and that's becoming harder and harder. How did I get here and I started talking about a funeral? Because no matter what's going on what's next for me keeps popping up. That's how.

Well I'm going to eat now and try to enjoy the rest of my Saturday.

Love yourselves today.

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