Mom. Hospital. Blood clots.

So much has happened since my last post. My mother went into the hospital. She has a blood clot in her lungs, scary. I was only here a couple of days while she was in the hospital. I had a show in New York. It was hard leaving while she was in the hospital. I'm back now and she's out of the hospital but the blood clot still exists. I'm praying every day. Pray too, ok?

The show went well and I'm glad I'm back home. Roshann and Deja are out of town right now so I'm staying at the house with her. That's mostly all that has happened since my last post but my mother being in the hospital is so much enough.

In other news, I'm thinking about posting a poem a day for 2017. I did it in 2013 and want to know what will come out of me if I do it again. I'll decide January 1, 2017. Who knows?

Happy birthday, Uraeus

Today is Uraeus's 19th birthday! I am so proud of him and am happy about the man he is becoming. I dearly love him and am honored to be his mother.

Cleaning

I don't know where I got all this energy from today but I'm using it to mop the floor!

Black men shot. Stage. Tired.

It's 11:05pm and I am at home. Thankfully Uraeus is here too. Two more black men were shot and killed by the police in the last two days. One was just fixing his car and had his hands up. Shot. This always breaks my heart. My heart keeps breaking over and over.

I went to The World Stage tonight which is why I'm home late. Heather Parker had her book release tonight. She was very moving. There were moments she was so touched she cried. Poetry does that to you. Only she and God know where she had to pull from to create her work. I'm glad I went.

I'm tired now. I've already taken my meds and I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.

Love yourselves.

Licensed. Smiling. Happy.

It's 8:15pm and I am at home. I've been home for hours now. Good news, I PASSED MY TEST! So now I'm licensed and it feels so good. When she told me I passed I had to make sure she was talking to me. She was. I was and am all smiles. I think I would have been discouraged if I had to take it again. But I would have. Anyway, so happy I passed.

Love yourselves.

Writing group. Conney. Friends.

It's 6:44pm and I am at home. I woke up late today because I had a pretty full day yesterday. I went to a women's writing group I am a part of. I stayed longer than I intended to. We drank, shared unfinished work, drank some more and ate. We laughed a lot and had a good time. After that I went to Conney's going away party. V and Myshell rode out to his place in Downey with me. I had a very good time! Drank more, ran into some old friends, saw Natalie which was really good. She and Myshell kept me laughing. We had a good time.

Today I am studying for my test tomorrow. I really hope I pass.

Gonna get back to studying.

Love yourselves.

Mom. Class. Busy.

It's 3:53pm and I am at home. Uraeus is here too. We are doing our own things. I got in about noon. I stayed at my mom's house because on Wednesday I went down there to spend the night and go with her to a diabetes class early the next morning. We went to the class then went to the grocery store afterwards to fill up on healthy things she could eat. We went back home to put the groceries away then went back out to go see a movie. We saw When the bough breaks with Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall. It was a good movie. Neither of us liked the ending. But the ending was not the point. The point was getting my mom out of the house and we did that. Between my sister and me we are keeping her busy plus her own schedule. We are both determined that she not spend days in bed during this retirement. Today she is working at the school where my sister works. She does some kind of work in the office for a few hours.

Keeping my mother busy keeps me busy too. I need to be out too. Plus, I love spending time with my mother. Last night we laid in bed and watched old episodes of Orange is the New Black and laughed.

Tonight I'm going to a play with Myshel and Kay. I forgot what it's called, but something playing at the Kirk Douglas Theatre. It should be a good time.

My test is coming up on Monday so I have to put in some more study time. I really hope I pass this test. I'll let you know.

Love yourselves.

Walk. Beach. Hope.

It's 6:03pm and I am at home. I went for a walk today on the beach. I didn't stay long. Long enough for it to do my head some good though. Picked up my meds after the beach and now I'm back home. Thinking about starting a new collection of short stories. Maybe. My head is so clear I have all these ideas. I hope I stay this way for a while.

Love yourselves.

Dwaine

Tchsie. Gas. Chat.

It's 4:01pm and I am at home. I went to the store and then to get gas for tonight. I ran into Tchsie at the gas station and we woman chatted for a moment. I rushed home for my phone meeting only to get a text that it's being rescheduled. It happens. I have a meeting tonight at the Primerica office. Uraeus's last class ends at 9:50. I texted him to let him know that I can pick him up but he hasn't responded yet. Hopefully soon. I'm going to sneak in some study time for this test coming up scarily soon.

Love yourselves.

Uraeus. Hugs. Magic.

Uraeus and I have very special quiet moments. Sometimes, like today, he will get up and come and give me and hug and his hair falls all over my head and it is seriously the best feeling ever. I so love him and love that he loves me right back.

New York. Insurance. Hands.

It's 4:49pm and I am at home. Today I am preparing for a phone meeting in the morning. I'm doing a theatre project in New York in December and we are finally on the final drafts of the script. Also I have more studying to do for the life insurance test. I really hope I pass. I'll be in all day today except for the water run I may do some time tonight.

I'm in a hopeful space today which is an improvement from where I was. Geez my hands keep shaking. My fingers are sliding all around this keyboard. They do that from time to time. It may be the meds. Who knows? I'm not going to let it steal what piece of joy I have.

Anyway, back to script editing and studying.

Love yourselves.

Insurance. Job news. Meds.

It's 8:11pm and I am at home. I spent most of the day studying for my life insurance test scheduled for next week. That's what I've got going now. My old job sent me a text saying that I could have my old schools and same classes but at half the rate! Who can do that? Had something to do with budget cuts. All I know is I needed two other jobs on top of that one to work there. I can't possibly do all that work for half my salary. It came at an ok time because I was really blessed at the last WP and was able to pay my rent for four months. I have to start paying again next month. Hopefully I pass this test and start making some money.  So that's my story. In the meantime I'm thanking God for everything I think I need.

So I've already taken my meds and am ready to go to bed. I have a training meeting in the morning. Glad about that because I need something to pull me out of this apartment.

Anyway, love yourselves.

Bipolar. Rollar. Coaster.

The thing about living with this illness called bipolar is the roller coaster. Up, up, up, up then down, up, down, down, down. I'm always afraid I'm going to get stuck in the down. I'm afraid of getting so down that I hurt myself. I don't say that everywhere, but I will tell you. Honestly I don't think I will ever hurt myself because I value my life and my son's life and feelings too much. But I won't say I don't get down like that because I do. How am I today? I'm worried about a few things that money will handle but for the most part I'm cool. I'm hanging in there. That's my most honest answer. I'm hanging in there. I'm prayerful. I'm faithful. I'm hopeful. I'm all of this and sometimes I'm also afraid. That's me.  That's how I am.

Chas was telling me that I should move this journal over to Tumblr because it would get more viewers. I'm not in it for the viewers though. I just want someplace I can be open and free. If I wanted viewers I would post this stuff on Facebook. I don't need a bunch of people commenting on my life. Though I don't mind the few comments I get here. Is that strange?

It's not good for me to be in bed for too long. I was in bed a long time today so tomorrow I have to get up and get to work. I wish you all a lovely day tomorrow. I'm praying for one myself.

Love yourselves.

Grocery shopping. Cloudy. Feature.

It's 8:44pm and I am at home. Other than taking Uraeus to school and going grocery shopping I've been home all day. I needed it. My head is getting cloudy and I'm starting to worry about stuff. I needed some me time today. I don't know what good it did though. But I took time for myself.

Last night I had a good time featuring at The World Stage. That's my home venue and I always have a good time reading there. Many people came out. Even the workshop was really good.

I don't know why I'm tired but I am. Going to take my meds and call it a night.

Love yourselves.

Feature

I'm featuring at The World Stage tonight at 7:30. 4321 Degnan Ave. Los Angeles, CA.

Breathe

Uraeus is home. He doesn't understand that I don't fully exhale until he's home. How can he not understand?

Primerica. Uraeus. Penmanship.

It's 6:52pm and I am in front of the Primerica office. The meeting doesn't start until 7:15 but I need to meet with Nyki after this meeting and wanted to get here early to get these photos straight. As it turns out the flash drive I bought doesn't have enough memory. Shoot! That's what I get for being cheap.

I'm sitting here thinking about Uraeus not getting out of class until 9:50. I know he's "grown" but I still don't like him on the bus that late. I would usually pick him up but I can't do it today. Jesus be a fence around my young adult.

As I'm writing in this notebook I'm noticing how sloppy my handwriting has gotten. I used to have such beautiful penmanship. I don't know what happened. Anyway, it's time to take me and my poor writing into this meeting.

Love yourselves

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day
Thankful that Uraeus and I woke up this morning
I am thankful for my friends and family
For food and shelter
For my vehicle that runs so well
I am thankful for love and peace and guidance
That the clouds have not swallowed me
I am thankful for being still in this moment

Uraeus. Long day. Stuff.

It's 1:06pm and I am back home. I took Uraeus to school this morning. He has a long day as he doesn't get out of his last class until 9:50pm. I try to give him rides when I can so he's not stuck on the bus all of the time. I have a meeting tonight and then another meeting after that. I have a full day myself today.

I need stuff. I need more groceries. I need the other half of my cable bill by the 9. I need gas in my car. I need rent for next month. I have work to do. I know God sees and knows all.

Yacht. Shrimp. Birthday weekend.

It's 9:20pm and I am at home. Today I was the photographer at a yacht party and fashion show. It was a beautiful event. A friend of mine, Nyki Allen created a line of clothing called Gyv Me Body. The line is for curvy women. Dietra and I drove down to the Marina together to board the boat. The weather was lovely. I got plenty of photos and I'm excited about editing them. I hope they came out as well or better than I think they did. The event today was for only women except for the captain of the boat. It was great being around sistas today.

After the boat ride a group of us went to Killer Shrimp to eat. I loved it and want to go back. Now I'm tired and am looking forward to taking my meds and getting some good rest. I didn't sleep much last because Laura called and she and Kookie asked me to come by to have a birthday drink. I did and we drank and laughed and drank and talked and told personal stories and drank some more. We had a good time.

Well it's sleepy time now. But before I go I send out my thank yous to those who called me, sent texts, messages, posts and prayed. I had a wonderful birthday weekend. I hope you all enjoy yourselves this weekend. Good night.

Gratitude

I am thankful for waking up this morning
I am thankful my son woke up this morning
I am thankful for my friends and family
For peace
For a good rest last night
I am thankful for food and shelter
For clothes and shoes and a working vehicle
For love and compassion
I am thankful for being thankful

Release

It's 9:33pm and thankfully Uraeus is home now and I can charge my phone. And breathe. I can breathe. When he's not home I'm only halfway breathing.

World Stage. Mother. Hospital.

It's 8:21pm and I am at home. I went to The World Stage last night and just as it was ending my mother called because she needed to go to the hospital. I drove down there and took her and we stayed there until 4:00 this morning. It was cold in the er and no one feels like being there but my mother is feeling better and that means the world to me.

I stayed at my mom's place when we returned from the hospital and I got home about noon. My cell phone was running out of juice and I left my charger at home. Of course when I got home Uraeus had already left for school and took my charger for his phone. Excuuuuuuuuuse me!?! So I've been here all day without a phone and I'm still waiting for him to come home. I have to keep convincing myself that being without a phone is not the worse thing. It's up there though. First world problems I know.

I was supposed to have a feature tonight. This post is everywhere. I know. Anyway, my poetry feature date was moved because the company is moving to a new venue. It happens. I just wish it didn't happen tonight because that money would have come right handy. But hey. Life right.

In other news Saturday is my birthday! I'm happy about that. I will turn 47. There have been times I didn't think I would be this close to 47. But I'm here, praise God. My plans? I have a meeting in the morning and I'm going to dinner with a friend. What happens in the middle of that I don't know. I've always wanted to have a free birthday meal at Denny's so maybe I'll do that alone after my morning meeting. Who knows.

Come home, Uraeus! I really want to make a phone call. That and no matter how old my son is when it's dark I don't want him walking around. Being a mother to a black child is something these days. Jesus be a fence.

When I started this post my intention was to start a new poem. But that didn't happen. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe later on tonight. I need some new work because I have another feature coming up this Wednesday at The World Stage and I want to do a few new pieces. Who knows.

Time for me to get some cleaning up done.
Hug yourselves.

Facebook. Study. Birthday approaching.

It's 5:50pm and I am at home right now with Uraeus. He's working on his tablet and I'm posting photos of my mother on my Facebook. Well, I was anyway. I haven't visited this blog in a while and thought I'd do so today. I'm on my way out to the World Stage with V but I have about forty-five minutes before I leave.

I didn't do much today but study for this life insurance test I'm taking next week. Hopefully I'll pass the first time. If I don't it sure won't be because I didn't study for it. I studied and slept today. My doctor told me that when I'm feeling a certain way (a certain way) to take more of the lithium and Prozac. And I have been feeling that way (that way) so I took one more than was prescribed of each plus one more sleeping pill. I did sleep well, the pills just have me sleep too much and I don't like that. I can hardly get anything done and too much sleep leads to depression for me (that certain way).

My birthday is coming up soon and what I really want besides world piece and happiness for my son and family is my cable bill paid, a full tank of gas and some money for some more groceries. That would be nice. Oh, and a chance to take as many pictures as I want of my son.  He doesn't like me to take so many photos of him. Yes, that would be nice. I'm praying I'm happy on my birthday. I need happiness. In my fantasy world I have someone coming in to clean my place for me  for my birthday, but that ain't happening.

Anyway, back to studying. Promise I won't stay away so long.

No beach.

It's 9:24pm and I am at home. Still. I sort of had plans to get out and at least go to the beach but I didn't make it. I didn't even get out of my pajamas today. I have a meeting tomorrow and a class to teach in the evening so I'll be getting out tomorrow. Good. Lately I've needed a reason to get out. That's not good. But it was a good day though. I'm supposed to be working on more poems for WP in Richmond, VA at the end of the month. I haven't been. I'm also supposed to be getting my poem a day for 2013 ready to be published. I haven't. I will though. To everything. I will. Just...you know...

Little gas. Heavy D's birthday. KDAY.

It's 5:03 pm and I am sitting in my car on the side of Kaiser waiting for Uraeus to finish physical therapy. I've been home all day today so being out feels good. I don't have much gas so I'm not going far but I'll make one stop at the store before we head back home.

Today is Heavy D's birthday. He would have been 49 and KDAY is honoring him by playing his songs. Feels good. I miss him. Miss hearing his music.

I'm fighting off a heaviness. Z called me yesterday and told me she has colon cancer. That news hit hard although I tried to be a cheerleader while she was on the phone. My love, prayers and thoughts are with her and her family. I have known Z a long time and I sure am wishing the best for her.

Reuben went to the prom

Yesterday my nephew went to the prom! He and his date, Lauren were lovely. Time is flying by. He graduates this year and is off to college in July. Something changed with the settings on this blog so I can't figure out how to load photos. As soon as I get it together I'll posts the loads of photos I took at Reuben's pre prom party.

A man

Happy birthday Malcolm X!

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. Thankful for waking up. Thankful for Uraeus waking up. I am loving my friends and family and am ever thankful for them in my life. I am thankful for peace and ease. For time at home today. For love and forgiveness. I am thankful for being thankful today.

Dear Dietra

You will feel the ups and the downs. There is no one way to grieve the loss of your mother. Know that you have friends who love you and who will hold you however you present. We will sit with you, laugh with you, cry with you. We will whatever. We love you. Get back safely and looking forward to seeing you when you return. One day at a time, sis. One day at a time.

Jaha

Funeral. Maria's son. St. Mark.

It's 7:16 pm and I am at home. It's a beautiful Saturday. The weather is nice and I am feeling well. I went to a funeral this morning at St. Mark. Maria's sixteen year old son was shot and killed by another black man and woman's son. This is too sad and happens too often. I debated about going to the funeral because I thought about what it would trigger in me. I went. Ultimately I don't think I was ever going to not go. I didn't get there in time to view the body but was in time for the whole service. One thing about St. Mark is that they do have good funerals. They sing upbeat songs and the service is a praise service and is called a home going ceremony. I like that. I also liked that the preacher, I don't remember his name, didn't brush over the fact that this is still a sad occasion. He began his service by saying to the family and friends of Deron (the deceased) that "You will heal. But not today." Which is true. I don't even know if "heal" is the word. More like, You will deal. But not today. Maria even spoke and was very encouraging to Deron's friends. I don't want to know the pain she is feeling right now. I don't want to know those kinds of ups and downs. I will keep her and her family in my prayers.

There were moments today when I imagined my son's picture in the front where Deron's was and even those thoughts were too painful. I shook them out of my head and tried to stay present. So I sang the songs I knew and celebrated Deron's life with his family and friends. I didn't know him but I know his mother. I grew up with her. Actually she came up more with my sister about four years younger, but still, I've known her forever.

Thankfully I ran into a lot of people I knew from my childhood and it was good to see them. It was also great to see my aunt Janice and I got to meet her friend. I mean "friend." We all talked. I left and saw Maria then took an old school photo with some old friends of mine. Except for the fact that I was at the funeral of a sixteen year old who was senselessly murdered, the day was good. I feel a way saying that.

Oddly my mother was not there so I went by her house to check on her. She was in bed with a headache she's had since Thursday. She gets those long lasting headaches. I gave her my program from the service and we talked a little. Prayerfully the headache will go away soon and she will be up and rolling like she usually is. I said so long to my mom and then headed home.

Uraeus was here when I got home. Playing his video game and working on his computer and doing whatever stuff. I said a prayer of thanksgiving that my son is here. He is home. He is safe. He is healthy. He is fed. He is happy. He is alive. He is free. I have so much to be thankful for.

I have some things going on in my head about my future but I do realize that I am one blessed woman. Right now, I don't want to return to teaching at SW. I haven't been vocal about that but that's how I'm feeling right now. I don't want to work in an office at some 9 to 5. I still have my job and may not leave until I get a new one but I don't know what that will look like right now. I do want to return to teach the fiction class at CLI and I do want to continue to be the artist-in-residence at WP. I'm clear about that. Those two things alone won't cover my expenses though. I'm prayerful about it though. Something will come up. Some days teaching the children gives me too much anxiety and when I'm depressed it's hard to function and I have to fake my way through the hour and that's becoming harder and harder. How did I get here and I started talking about a funeral? Because no matter what's going on what's next for me keeps popping up. That's how.

Well I'm going to eat now and try to enjoy the rest of my Saturday.

Love yourselves today.

Mother's day reflection

It's 1:47 pm and I am at home. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I had a beautiful day. Uraeus and I met my mom, Roshann, Reuben and Deja at church. It was good all being there together. We stopped beforehand and picked up flowers to bring to her at church. She appreciated them. Uraeus also bought me flowers. He was sweet the whole day. He is anyway. After church Roshann and Deja cooked and Donald barbequed. We ate and watched two movies all together gathered cozily in the living room. It was beautiful. Uraeus and I spent the night and I took him to school this morning. I loved it. I slept in the room with my mother and we listened to a book on tape, which is what we usually do when I spend the night. Lovely.

Although I had a good time this Mother's Day my heart was still with Dietra who lost her mother on the 5th just before Mother's Day. Today they are having her body cremated and are gathered together for a final goodbye to her body. I don't know that kind of pain and loss. I don't want to know it. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers today and they were yesterday. Because of what she is going through I spent much of yesterday just appreciating that I still have my mother and am able to talk to her and share with her when I want to. I know that life is life but I never want that to end.

So I send love to all those who don't have their mothers and may experience Mother's Day as a sad experience. To those of you who do have your mothers I hope you appreciate them.

Love y'all.

Speak

Speak to me
Like art licks the butterfly
Like moon kisses the sky
Tell me stories
Tell me about grass growing
About water boiling in your grandmother's pot
Say anything
Make your lips move
Up and down
I will read your words as they fall from your mouth
I will fold your sentences and save them inside my bra
Tell me about your dreams
I will imagine bass and rain in the background
Tell me
Tell
Me
I can keep a secret
I can hold water
I can hear a whisper
I have stories of my own you know
I will tell you
Feel my breath warm on your neck
Make me gather your tales in baskets of straw
Tell me
Tell
Me
Make me remember the stories you told me before
Make me remember
Re
Member
Hold me
Like the rainbow lifts the sky
Tell me blues
Reds
Yellows
Tell me greens and oranges
Make me remember
Re
Member
You

Work. Uraeus. Love.

It's 6:52 pm and I am at home. Today was a beautiful day. I taught a make up class at one of the schools where I teach. Normally I am only there on Fridays but we had a mid week class today. It was a good class. I took myself out to lunch after class today. I bought lunch and ate it at a park. I needed that. Sometimes being inside of my home makes me want to sleep. Too much sleep makes me depressed.

After lunch I came home to clean up and found Uraeus here still working on his paper due today. I took him to school and was present to how much I love my son. How blessed I am. He's working hard in school and is happy. Which is what I want for him. He's back home now resting after his day.

No big news to report, just releasing these thoughts in my head. Now I need to get busy on what I'm teaching tomorrow.

Up and down

I feel good today. Dealing with being bipolar I have days when I'm so down I can hardly move. Then there are days when I'm so up and talking so fast I scare myself. Today I feel well. I feel good. I don't know how long this feeling will last but I cherish every moment that I have this feeling. I hope you are well too. I hope you can feel all this love energy around you. I hope this last longer than today. I love y'all.

Speechless. Purple.

Yesterday Prince died and I'm still in shock. I have finally accepted that it's true. I was waiting yesterday for the radio to say they had been mistaken.

Say Word

Ready to teach poetry to some bright and talented 10th graders. ‪

Special

Taalam Acey spoke to my class yesterday and was so inspiring! Thank you Taalam for being so great with the students. The work you shared was brilliant! ‪#‎SayWordLA‬

Purple love. These kids ain't knowin'.

When one of my students asked who Prince was, at first I had no words.

Festival

I'm excited about working with the Children's Arts Festival tomorrow at the Buena Park Community Center! I'll be leading an arts and crafts room with over three hundred children running through. Sunday I'm resting though. Yep, Sunday.

Sleep. Depression. Doctor.

It's 3:38 pm and I am at home. I had a good visit with my doctor today. I see her once a month whether I'm feeling okay or not. I'm feeling well. We talked about my sleep patterns. When I'm sleeping too much I get depressed and when I sleep too little I start to get manic. All this is information I know. Also that the lithium makes me feel better but also makes my hands shake a little. For now I can handle the shaking.

I have an early class tomorrow but I'm still going to Eerene's book release at The World Stage tonight. I need to be out tonight. If not I would probably just grade a few papers and turn in early. I'm beginning to sleep a lot. I'm also thankful for that because I remember the days when I couldn't fall asleep for anything. Speaking of things I'm thankful for, I got my iPad out of the pawn shop today. It felt good. Also thankful for going grocery shopping today. We were running low around here but God always shows up right on time. I'm still behind on napowrimo and I think I'm giving up, other than that, I'm good. How are you?

Grading papers. Cleaning. Being a friend.

It's 2:26 pm and I am at home. It's Saturday and a beautiful Saturday at that. I have some reading to do for CLI on Monday and some papers to grade for Tuesday at Fairfax and more papers to grade for Friday at University but I'm not doing that right now. Not now. Now I am enjoying the stillness of this Saturday. Oh, not to mention my floors need to be mopped. Still, not now. Perhaps not today at all. I may see a friend later on today and hang out with her. I'm due for a girlfriend hangout. For laughs and drinks. I'm still behind on napowrimo but I did like the last one I posted. That's a shift in the right direction. On second thought maybe I will knock out some of this reading.

Napowrimo for day 12 of 30 - This now me love

I am getting older
Old
Older
Just old enough
My hair is turning gray
Not just at my temples either
Like a handprint on my head
I am touched
Touched
Maybe by God
Who knows
This is not the body I remember from my twenties either
This is someone else's body
This is my body
Mine
It is up to me to love this me
This gray and black fro
This body with flesh so everywhere
Once upon a time I was the skinniest bitch in the room
Once upon a time I was a bitch
I was proud
Not anymore
I have curves
I am a woman
A beautiful woman
I have to get used to this beauty
This woman I am
I am a poet
You know poets
How we are
You know women poets
How we talk about our bodies and periods and menopause
How bloody bloody we are
Yes, I am that woman
With hands like trees
To reach and hold you if you need me
Do you need me
Did you call
Tell me I am beautiful
That is what I am saying
When I am saying something else
Like me
Hold my tree hands and love them like they love you
Free me from all these thoughts and poems inside my gray and black head
It is up to me to love myself
Don't you know this is true
Don't you know the part I have to play
To love you and me too

Napowrimo

I have been writing pretty poorly this napowrimo but I'm going to get my act together before the month is up and produce something I love. Just watch.

By the way, napowrimo is NAtional POetry WRIting MOnth. April is poetry month and poets all over the world post poems for the whole month. The idea is to do it every day but I've been bullshitting and skipping days and posting two for the days I skipped. Hey, however it gets done though. It's been a challenge for me this year. I've done napowrimo before and poems came a lot easier. This challenge makes me even more proud of myself for completing a poem a day in 2013. I didn't skip any days and had each poem posted before midnight. I even had more than one poem on some days. And good work too.  Work I still use. Speaking of that project The World Stage Press is going to publish it. I'm so happy about that.

But I still don't have a poem to post for today yet.

Up

7:46 pm. Home. My mood has been pretty up lately. I think the lithium has been doing some good. This combination of meds have been the best so far.

Teaching

It's 9:56 am and I am in my car near the high school. I just finished my first period class and am waiting around for fourth period. I have things to keep me occupied though, like this pile of papers to grade.

I woke up thankful this morning. Thankful for my job. Thankful that I get to spend so much time with bright, energetic, creative future leaders. I love them.

I was / am also thankful for my friends and family. Thankful for a new day. A new opportunity to create something wonderful or change someone's life for the better.

Anyway, papers to grade.

World Stage. Pam. Feeling good.

11:41 pm and I am at home. I went to The World Stage tonight and I'm glad I did. Pam was featured and it was good to hear her. I knew I would be inspired to write after I saw and heard her and I am. The inspiration is in good time too because I'm behind on Napowrimo by a few days. I don't think I'm going to post tonight either. Perhaps tomorrow.

I feel good. Even though I have to work tomorrow. I'm cool. I'm looking forward to two really cool and easy classes tomorrow. Oh, I saw Taalam at The Stage tonight and he did a new piece I hope he will do when he comes to my class next Thursday. Whatever he has in mind to do will be great though.

Anyway, I'm about to get ready for bed.

I am thankful for this day and my World Stage family. For my family and friends. For Uraeus. For love and peace. For being in a good space in my head. I am thankful for love and happiness. For ease and grace. For good dreams and hope. I am thankful for being thankful.

Napowrimo for day 11 of 30 - Weekday haiku

This is the routine
Get up, drink water and work
Come home, rest again

Prom party. Cousin. Dream.

On Friday I shot my cousin's prom party at my family's home in Palmdale. The pictures came out great by the way, but that's not what this post is about. Anyway, I stayed the weekend. My little cousin was there and stayed too with his mother and sister. He is eight years old. On Saturday he woke up and said that he had "the best dream" the night before. He said that he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He had breakfast and played for a little while then announced that he was going back to bed to get his dream back. I loved it. When it didn't come back after his nap he complained that he couldn't stop thinking about it and wanted it back. That night when it was time for bed he said he couldn't wait to go to bed to get his dream. I loved so much watching him waiting to get his dream. I totally understood him. Bless his young heart.

Sisters

There is a picture of me with my sister where we are dressed alike (I never liked that). That picture is my favorite with us in red and white outfits. We are four years apart and I was much taller so we looked funny being in the same outfits but whatever. I wish I could find that photo. Anyway, I love you Roshann Reed Williams and wish you a happy sibling day!

Napowrimo day 10 of 30 - Now

Today happiness
is present. Sun shines across
my face so freely.

Napowrimo for day 9 of 30 - Seed

Wait and see how high
I will grow when this blossom
Sprouts so lovely bloom

Napowrimo for day 8 of 30 - Time

Because I believe
in love I know how patient
I must be to see

Napowrimo day 7 of 30 - Why I do not like being called girl anymore

Because girls are not grown
Because girls have not earned these hips
Girls giggle when it is more appropriate to speak straight
Girls make too many moves based on what boys want
Because I am a woman
Because I love being a woman

Teaching. Jordan's. Palmdale.

It's 9:29 am and I am sitting in my car across the street from school. I just finished teaching my first period class and now I'm waiting for fourth period. Class was easy because it was lab day. They are working on the rough draft of their poems. Their is a senior assembly fourth period so I won't have much time with them.

There is a store on Melrose Ave where they buy gently used Jordan's. My nephew asked me to take in a pair of his shoes. His strict instructions to me were to walk away if they offer less than $80. Shoes cost so much. I'm so thankful Uraeus was never into Jordan's. It's only 9:40 and the stores don't open until 10 so I'm chillin' with KDAY until then or maybe I'll just go after fourth period.

Hopefully the poem for today will come to me. I need to be reading more. Hiram lent me a collection of short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri called Interpreter of Maladies. I think it's her first. She's the subject of the lesson I'm teaching at CLI this Monday and I've only read one story so far. Gonna get on it though.

I'm going to Palmdale tomorrow to shoot my cousin's prom party. Sage is lending me his camera because mine is in the pawn shop right now. Hey, it happens. But thank God for good friends who are willing to lend cameras.

1:09. Home.

Got the camera from Sage. He also gave me the gift of a large canvas to paint on. I need to get back to painting and this just might be the inspiration I need.

I still haven't thought of the poem I'm going to write today. It'll come. It always does. I just hope I like this one.

I made the appointment for Uraeus to see the doctor today. His knee has been bothering him. Thankfully they had an opening today.

7:29. Home.

Ready to get this poem out.

Dear Jaha

Get off of Facebook and go to sleep. Love you.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day
For waking up in good health
I am thankful for Uraeus
For his health and happiness
I am thankful for my family
For my friends
For food and shelter
Love and forgiveness
I am thankful for ease and breath
For medication and doctors
For a good nap and places to go
I am thankful for poetry and stories
For fun and thanksgiving

Reuben. Early class. Writing.

It's 11:07 pm and I am back home. I went to my nephew's basketball banquet. It was a beautiful experience. I enjoyed seeing him sitting up there looking all grown. He received the scholars award for getting a 3.8 this semester.

I should be asleep by now. I have to teach a first period class tomorrow. Actually first and fourth periods. I'm pretty wired awake. We were sitting right underneath the air conditioner in the restaurant and so I had some coffee to stay warm. I'm wired. Coffee and more than my share of chocolate candy at the table. Writing helps me settle down. I'm about to try to get some sleep now. Night all.

Napowrimo day 6 of 30 - Breeze

My father
Is the breeze across my face
Reminding me that he is still
Walking with me
That he knows
When I am happy
My bad days
When I am low on medication
When I don't have to words to say
To fill a prayer

I feel him
I feel him
Cool on my scalp
Whisper in my ear
"Keep going"
He says
"Keep going"
I listen

Starbucks. Car wash. Posting poems.

It's 3:29 pm and I am at home. I took Uraeus to school this morning, went to Starbucks and got the car washed. Other than that I've been home all day. I needed the rest. Plenty of rest is needed for the anxiety but not too much. Too much is bad for the depression. Anyway, I'm up now. I'm going to Reuben's basketball banquet tonight. I'm proud of my nephew. It's in Long Beach and the family is going and I love family outings.

I need to post my poem for napowrimo today. I don't like the poem I'm about to post. In fact, I haven't liked any of them I've posted since the month started. I'm being patient with myself, there are plenty more days to go. Time for me to jump in the shower.

Napowrimo day 5 of 30 - A boy a cat a walk to school

I was nine, my sister five and we were walking up Delta Ave. to John Muir Elementary School
We had barely crossed the street from our home when we saw a boy my age holding a cat by the neck
Squeezing harder and harder
We saw the cat's eyes get bigger and bigger like soon they would pop out of the sockets
We were frozen, my sister and I
Suddenly the boy slammed the cat on the ground
The cat sprang away so fast like it was never there
But it was there
That did happen

I think about that boy from time to time
I wonder if he remembers that day
Like who could forget
I wonder what kind of hurt did he have to hurt a cat and scare two girls like that
A cat
A cat
What kind of fun
What kind of a game
What kind of pain

I have hope though
That the boy who almost killed a cat in front of my sister and me
Has somehow adjusted well in the world
That he has healed from his own pain and is
Love in the world
That he has a lover and maybe some children
That he has forgiven himself and others who hurt him
I have hope though
That he can see a small animal and pet
Just pet

Napowrimo day 4 of 30 - You

If I had a blank canvas I would draw you
Paint your face red with brown ears
Put flowers in your hands outstretched to me
I would paint you
I would paint you
And you would know why I care for you like I do
Would paint a blue sky above your head
Green grass as your feet
Paint you in blue jeans and dashiki and sandals
Paint poems falling out your mouth
Would you recognize yourself on my canvas
Would you know your lips and eyes

I would paint a bridge in the background
You could run to me and I would meet you in the middle
Somewhere in the middle

I would paint you bigger than you are in my dreams
You would have everything you need
Everything you need

If I had a blank canvas I would paint a picture of you
Sketch the outline first in charcoal or pencil
Something temporary
Cause nothing lasts forever
Then paint
In red and blue and green
Red and blue and green

Napowrimo day 3 of 30 - Dear Uraeus

You are my favorite song
Hum your licorice skin when the noise in my head is too great
You are a river
Water rushing to and fro
My son you are snow
Falling easy in the quiet of the evening
You are peace
The stillness before storm
You are not alone
The ancestors hold your head
The sun follows your back
Flowers your feet
You are love
My love

Dear Helen

You told me from time to time you "stalk" my blog. Well hopefully you come across this note to you from me. You were great at the youth slam yesterday. I was so proud of you! Thank you for being what poetry needs right now. For being honest and brave and bold. I look forward to hearing more from you when you return from Brave New Voices. Have a ball in Washington, D.C. this year.
Big hugs,
Jaha

Napowrimo day 2 of 30 - Gratitude

I know a blessing when I see one
My hands and feet
This heart that beats
This body these eyes these lashes
My nose and neck
My back and legs
All gifts I am forever grateful
For arms and smell
For the little voice inside that reminds me to pray
To give thanks for lips and lungs
I am thankful
For my mind and memories
For my life my liberty
For happiness and hands
For shoulders
For stories and secrets
I am thankful for thankful

Napowrimo day 1 of 30 - Easy

I hold this peace like blossom
Like egg, like bubble
Walk softly for it blows away
This happiness
This smile cross my face
Nothing lasts forever
This easy breathing
This breeze through my hair
I am happy now
Now
Now
I hold onto this feeling like
Wet grass on my toes
I will not worry it away
Will not put up with sadness coming before her time
I will swim in this
This feel
This smell
This touch
This this
This time

I hope

I miss posting in this blog. Soon though. Soon.

Getting ready

I'm doing 30/30 this year because I seriously need some new work. I have one more day of poetry rest then it's on April 1.

Unsung Sheores. Blessed. Teaching.

It's 4:08 pm and I am at home writing. I am in a production coming up called Unsung Sheroes. I'm honoring V Kali. So I'm working on that piece. I was anyway. Now I'm preparing to leave for a meeting with Center Theatre Group an acting group I'm working with until February. I'm posting in this blog today because I haven't in some time. And with the new year I'm trying to be more consistent with it. I haven't really set New Year goals, not really. I do plan to be more active in my life. It seems like I'm floating right now. Floating from project to project and not really excited about any of them. I mean, I'm excited, but not really lit up. I'm not on fire happy. I want to be. I'm not though. The good news is that I'm not depressed either. I'm just here. Here is a blessing though, because I've been there (if you know what I mean) and there sucked. I'm not in a sucky place. I'm here. I have enough to keep me busy which is good. The fiction class I'm teaching for CLI at USC starts again on Monday and I'm looking forward to that. That's my favorite job right now. Anyway, I'm going on and on. Basically I'm cool right now. I'm healthy, my son is healthy and happy and my family and friends are happy and healthy. I'm blessed.

I've been thinking a lot about how blessed I am since Monday, well I often think about how blessed I am but Monday I taught a poetry lesson based on Tammy Vatai's poem called Stars. Stars is about how Tammy grew up with her three siblings and mother living in a car. They told stories and loved each other and stuck together. The story is told in a very hopeful and positive tone despite the things they went through. I left thinking a lot about that. I want a bigger place for Uraeus and me but the place I have is beautiful and artistic and clean and enough for us. It certainly is not a car. We are safe and eat every day. We talk and laugh. We watch television. I was worried the other day about how the cable was going to get paid. Cable. Cable? When I compare the luxury of cable to living in a car I know I'm tripping. And the cable got paid. The cable keeps getting paid. The rent keeps getting paid. Food stays in the refrigerator and cabinets. I forget sometimes how blessed I am.