Black men shot. Stage. Tired.

It's 11:05pm and I am at home. Thankfully Uraeus is here too. Two more black men were shot and killed by the police in the last two days. One was just fixing his car and had his hands up. Shot. This always breaks my heart. My heart keeps breaking over and over.

I went to The World Stage tonight which is why I'm home late. Heather Parker had her book release tonight. She was very moving. There were moments she was so touched she cried. Poetry does that to you. Only she and God know where she had to pull from to create her work. I'm glad I went.

I'm tired now. I've already taken my meds and I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep.

Love yourselves.

Licensed. Smiling. Happy.

It's 8:15pm and I am at home. I've been home for hours now. Good news, I PASSED MY TEST! So now I'm licensed and it feels so good. When she told me I passed I had to make sure she was talking to me. She was. I was and am all smiles. I think I would have been discouraged if I had to take it again. But I would have. Anyway, so happy I passed.

Love yourselves.

Writing group. Conney. Friends.

It's 6:44pm and I am at home. I woke up late today because I had a pretty full day yesterday. I went to a women's writing group I am a part of. I stayed longer than I intended to. We drank, shared unfinished work, drank some more and ate. We laughed a lot and had a good time. After that I went to Conney's going away party. V and Myshell rode out to his place in Downey with me. I had a very good time! Drank more, ran into some old friends, saw Natalie which was really good. She and Myshell kept me laughing. We had a good time.

Today I am studying for my test tomorrow. I really hope I pass.

Gonna get back to studying.

Love yourselves.

Mom. Class. Busy.

It's 3:53pm and I am at home. Uraeus is here too. We are doing our own things. I got in about noon. I stayed at my mom's house because on Wednesday I went down there to spend the night and go with her to a diabetes class early the next morning. We went to the class then went to the grocery store afterwards to fill up on healthy things she could eat. We went back home to put the groceries away then went back out to go see a movie. We saw When the bough breaks with Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall. It was a good movie. Neither of us liked the ending. But the ending was not the point. The point was getting my mom out of the house and we did that. Between my sister and me we are keeping her busy plus her own schedule. We are both determined that she not spend days in bed during this retirement. Today she is working at the school where my sister works. She does some kind of work in the office for a few hours.

Keeping my mother busy keeps me busy too. I need to be out too. Plus, I love spending time with my mother. Last night we laid in bed and watched old episodes of Orange is the New Black and laughed.

Tonight I'm going to a play with Myshel and Kay. I forgot what it's called, but something playing at the Kirk Douglas Theatre. It should be a good time.

My test is coming up on Monday so I have to put in some more study time. I really hope I pass this test. I'll let you know.

Love yourselves.

Walk. Beach. Hope.

It's 6:03pm and I am at home. I went for a walk today on the beach. I didn't stay long. Long enough for it to do my head some good though. Picked up my meds after the beach and now I'm back home. Thinking about starting a new collection of short stories. Maybe. My head is so clear I have all these ideas. I hope I stay this way for a while.

Love yourselves.

Dwaine

Tchsie. Gas. Chat.

It's 4:01pm and I am at home. I went to the store and then to get gas for tonight. I ran into Tchsie at the gas station and we woman chatted for a moment. I rushed home for my phone meeting only to get a text that it's being rescheduled. It happens. I have a meeting tonight at the Primerica office. Uraeus's last class ends at 9:50. I texted him to let him know that I can pick him up but he hasn't responded yet. Hopefully soon. I'm going to sneak in some study time for this test coming up scarily soon.

Love yourselves.

Uraeus. Hugs. Magic.

Uraeus and I have very special quiet moments. Sometimes, like today, he will get up and come and give me and hug and his hair falls all over my head and it is seriously the best feeling ever. I so love him and love that he loves me right back.

New York. Insurance. Hands.

It's 4:49pm and I am at home. Today I am preparing for a phone meeting in the morning. I'm doing a theatre project in New York in December and we are finally on the final drafts of the script. Also I have more studying to do for the life insurance test. I really hope I pass. I'll be in all day today except for the water run I may do some time tonight.

I'm in a hopeful space today which is an improvement from where I was. Geez my hands keep shaking. My fingers are sliding all around this keyboard. They do that from time to time. It may be the meds. Who knows? I'm not going to let it steal what piece of joy I have.

Anyway, back to script editing and studying.

Love yourselves.

Insurance. Job news. Meds.

It's 8:11pm and I am at home. I spent most of the day studying for my life insurance test scheduled for next week. That's what I've got going now. My old job sent me a text saying that I could have my old schools and same classes but at half the rate! Who can do that? Had something to do with budget cuts. All I know is I needed two other jobs on top of that one to work there. I can't possibly do all that work for half my salary. It came at an ok time because I was really blessed at the last WP and was able to pay my rent for four months. I have to start paying again next month. Hopefully I pass this test and start making some money.  So that's my story. In the meantime I'm thanking God for everything I think I need.

So I've already taken my meds and am ready to go to bed. I have a training meeting in the morning. Glad about that because I need something to pull me out of this apartment.

Anyway, love yourselves.

Bipolar. Rollar. Coaster.

The thing about living with this illness called bipolar is the roller coaster. Up, up, up, up then down, up, down, down, down. I'm always afraid I'm going to get stuck in the down. I'm afraid of getting so down that I hurt myself. I don't say that everywhere, but I will tell you. Honestly I don't think I will ever hurt myself because I value my life and my son's life and feelings too much. But I won't say I don't get down like that because I do. How am I today? I'm worried about a few things that money will handle but for the most part I'm cool. I'm hanging in there. That's my most honest answer. I'm hanging in there. I'm prayerful. I'm faithful. I'm hopeful. I'm all of this and sometimes I'm also afraid. That's me.  That's how I am.

Chas was telling me that I should move this journal over to Tumblr because it would get more viewers. I'm not in it for the viewers though. I just want someplace I can be open and free. If I wanted viewers I would post this stuff on Facebook. I don't need a bunch of people commenting on my life. Though I don't mind the few comments I get here. Is that strange?

It's not good for me to be in bed for too long. I was in bed a long time today so tomorrow I have to get up and get to work. I wish you all a lovely day tomorrow. I'm praying for one myself.

Love yourselves.

Grocery shopping. Cloudy. Feature.

It's 8:44pm and I am at home. Other than taking Uraeus to school and going grocery shopping I've been home all day. I needed it. My head is getting cloudy and I'm starting to worry about stuff. I needed some me time today. I don't know what good it did though. But I took time for myself.

Last night I had a good time featuring at The World Stage. That's my home venue and I always have a good time reading there. Many people came out. Even the workshop was really good.

I don't know why I'm tired but I am. Going to take my meds and call it a night.

Love yourselves.

Feature

I'm featuring at The World Stage tonight at 7:30. 4321 Degnan Ave. Los Angeles, CA.

Breathe

Uraeus is home. He doesn't understand that I don't fully exhale until he's home. How can he not understand?

Primerica. Uraeus. Penmanship.

It's 6:52pm and I am in front of the Primerica office. The meeting doesn't start until 7:15 but I need to meet with Nyki after this meeting and wanted to get here early to get these photos straight. As it turns out the flash drive I bought doesn't have enough memory. Shoot! That's what I get for being cheap.

I'm sitting here thinking about Uraeus not getting out of class until 9:50. I know he's "grown" but I still don't like him on the bus that late. I would usually pick him up but I can't do it today. Jesus be a fence around my young adult.

As I'm writing in this notebook I'm noticing how sloppy my handwriting has gotten. I used to have such beautiful penmanship. I don't know what happened. Anyway, it's time to take me and my poor writing into this meeting.

Love yourselves

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day
Thankful that Uraeus and I woke up this morning
I am thankful for my friends and family
For food and shelter
For my vehicle that runs so well
I am thankful for love and peace and guidance
That the clouds have not swallowed me
I am thankful for being still in this moment

Uraeus. Long day. Stuff.

It's 1:06pm and I am back home. I took Uraeus to school this morning. He has a long day as he doesn't get out of his last class until 9:50pm. I try to give him rides when I can so he's not stuck on the bus all of the time. I have a meeting tonight and then another meeting after that. I have a full day myself today.

I need stuff. I need more groceries. I need the other half of my cable bill by the 9. I need gas in my car. I need rent for next month. I have work to do. I know God sees and knows all.

Yacht. Shrimp. Birthday weekend.

It's 9:20pm and I am at home. Today I was the photographer at a yacht party and fashion show. It was a beautiful event. A friend of mine, Nyki Allen created a line of clothing called Gyv Me Body. The line is for curvy women. Dietra and I drove down to the Marina together to board the boat. The weather was lovely. I got plenty of photos and I'm excited about editing them. I hope they came out as well or better than I think they did. The event today was for only women except for the captain of the boat. It was great being around sistas today.

After the boat ride a group of us went to Killer Shrimp to eat. I loved it and want to go back. Now I'm tired and am looking forward to taking my meds and getting some good rest. I didn't sleep much last because Laura called and she and Kookie asked me to come by to have a birthday drink. I did and we drank and laughed and drank and talked and told personal stories and drank some more. We had a good time.

Well it's sleepy time now. But before I go I send out my thank yous to those who called me, sent texts, messages, posts and prayed. I had a wonderful birthday weekend. I hope you all enjoy yourselves this weekend. Good night.

Gratitude

I am thankful for waking up this morning
I am thankful my son woke up this morning
I am thankful for my friends and family
For peace
For a good rest last night
I am thankful for food and shelter
For clothes and shoes and a working vehicle
For love and compassion
I am thankful for being thankful

Release

It's 9:33pm and thankfully Uraeus is home now and I can charge my phone. And breathe. I can breathe. When he's not home I'm only halfway breathing.

World Stage. Mother. Hospital.

It's 8:21pm and I am at home. I went to The World Stage last night and just as it was ending my mother called because she needed to go to the hospital. I drove down there and took her and we stayed there until 4:00 this morning. It was cold in the er and no one feels like being there but my mother is feeling better and that means the world to me.

I stayed at my mom's place when we returned from the hospital and I got home about noon. My cell phone was running out of juice and I left my charger at home. Of course when I got home Uraeus had already left for school and took my charger for his phone. Excuuuuuuuuuse me!?! So I've been here all day without a phone and I'm still waiting for him to come home. I have to keep convincing myself that being without a phone is not the worse thing. It's up there though. First world problems I know.

I was supposed to have a feature tonight. This post is everywhere. I know. Anyway, my poetry feature date was moved because the company is moving to a new venue. It happens. I just wish it didn't happen tonight because that money would have come right handy. But hey. Life right.

In other news Saturday is my birthday! I'm happy about that. I will turn 47. There have been times I didn't think I would be this close to 47. But I'm here, praise God. My plans? I have a meeting in the morning and I'm going to dinner with a friend. What happens in the middle of that I don't know. I've always wanted to have a free birthday meal at Denny's so maybe I'll do that alone after my morning meeting. Who knows.

Come home, Uraeus! I really want to make a phone call. That and no matter how old my son is when it's dark I don't want him walking around. Being a mother to a black child is something these days. Jesus be a fence.

When I started this post my intention was to start a new poem. But that didn't happen. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe later on tonight. I need some new work because I have another feature coming up this Wednesday at The World Stage and I want to do a few new pieces. Who knows.

Time for me to get some cleaning up done.
Hug yourselves.