Sunday, August 9, 2009

Again (from Bubba's journal - Wednesday, April 6, 1994)

I didn't have a stamp or an envelope when I finished that last page yesterday. I'm glad that I didn't, it afforded me this chance to write this last page.

I find it quite interesting to realize how things seem to work in life. God works His will in mysterious ways. He knows how to teach a "smart" motherfucker a me.

If I had been faced with the problems that I am faced with now anytime in the past, it would not have amounted to being a problem. It would have been nothing for me to handle. Don't misunderstand me; I am not over-bothered by this. I am a problem-solver, if I'm nothing else.

But I do find it interesting that first I was stripped of all of my old reliable resources. What happened to them? Some of them died, some are buried in prison, some have moved, some have started new lives, and some have just become worthless. That's life. It is constantly changing. The trick is to try to keep yourself in position to control, or at least, influence, the way that it is changing.

This is what I find interesting, the fact that I was not in control, nor did I exercise any real influence over the way things changed on me. Looking back at it, I really believe that where I might could have exercised some control or influence, I wasn't interested in doing so. I am not talking about you, keep that straight. I am talking about most of the rest of these people. I think that I had lost interest in that I wanted a change, a different world with different people in it. I did not try to maintain control over those "old reliable resources." I let them go, and I do not regret it.

What I do regret is that my "new world" is not yet in operation. I'm caught between "worlds." (ha ha). Anyway, by now, you should understand my situation much better than I presented it on the first page of this letter. Things have been improving. When my new world comes together, I'll show you around. You will be a part of it.

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