I was reading in the Course in Miracles where God gives us an opportunity to make a choice about something and we make the choice we make. Sometimes, often in fact, we don't make the best choices for our lives. But they were our choices. Life is a lesson and sometimes the proof of whether we learned the lesson or not is how we choose when we get the opportunity to choose again.
My job these days is to keep my side of the street clean. And it's a full time job. I have no room in my life to put my broom down and tell you what you should be doing. I pray for God's annointment of ease and His grace and strength as I put integrity in the areas of my life where it is missing. Like I said, it's a full time job. Working to get caught up on bills I'm past due on. People I'm past due paying. Relationships I'm past due mending. Pictures I'm past due painting.
A big weight that has been lifted off of me is the desire, although it felt like a NEED, to vindicate myself. What I mean by that is this. If someone did something wrong to me in the past I felt like I had to spend so much time fighting my battle until the wrong was made right. Well, what that got me was a lot of energy spent and time wasted. And in the end, God ALWAYS showed up and worked it all out anyway. He didn't need my help at all.
Now, I'm choosing again. The only thing that is there for me to do is state what I know to be true, keep my broom in my hand and keep sweeping my side of the street until it's clean. God is fighting my battles as I type this sentence. And this one. He is already working things out. In fact, everything is worked out right now.
This is not the best time to play decietful games with me. Lie to me. Try to hurt me. It was different when I felt like I had to assess whether or not I had the energy to fight that particular battle. But now I know that I KNOW, that I am not in God's way and He can freely turn whatever is meant for my destruction to be used for my good and His glory.
I even have a different outlook on the thought "someone is doing something to me." No one ever does anything to me. Anything anyone "does" to me is something he is only doing to himself. Every time. The same applies to me. If I attack my brother, I am only attacking myself. In fact, when I attack my brother, I am attacking my brother BECAUSE of myself. As human beings, when we are in pain, we have a desire to see others hurt too. And we try to get our moneys worth. We don't want to see just anybody hurt when we are hurting, no, we want to see the people closest to us hurt, which only keeps the cycle of pain going. But when we love ourselves, we have a desire to spread the love. You can see this theory in action everywhere. When a man finds out he is having a son he shows up at the hospital with cigars. Or so the tradition says. When you allow yourself to fantasize about winning the lottery you mentally list the people you are going to help, organizations you want to contribute to. Here, the cycle of love is going.
I said this to say that we think that we are hiding our true feelings about ourselves but we can't. We show the world how we feel about ourselves by how we treat others, especially those closest to us.
So, I'm choosing again. I am breathing more. Praying more. Trusting completely.