Me with Aquiah

Aquiah and I have been friends for over ten years now. Rodzilla asked me recently how many people really know me. I told him four but I know in my heart that I answered too quickly and that number is way too high. Even when I spend time thinking about it, I don't know what the actual number is but Aquiah is definitely high on that list. Currently, we are driving from a weekend in North Carolina back to Atlanta. I'm going to take advantage of this time to capture a quick conversation for the blog.

J. Ok so we have to start with Sweet Daddy.

A. The Sweet Daddy story?

J. Yeah, I had never experienced that before. I ain't never even heard of The United House of Prayer for all People.

(We pull off the freeway into a gas station. When we returned to the car we were on a new topic.)

A. I want my father to read my book.

J. Why?

A. Because I want him to be able to see himself as himself and not as a character he created.

J. Say more.

A. He ran around his whole life and pretended he was a Puerto Rican and how that gave his children an identity crises. I mean even me being in the strip club telling people I was from Brazil. I mean? I want him to see how while he was lying to everybody, everybody was lying to him by not telling him the truth about him. I'm guilty of it too because I've cushioned him. 

I think that I might be the only one who could get him to see. I love him but I'm willing to risk him not speaking to me. If the curse started with him, then it has to end with him. 

J. Then where did the curse come from? Because he didn't just wake up one day like BAAM!

A. Well, my mother told me that my grandfather was a habitual liar. I don't know about the sex shit.

My mother told me that my grandmother, my father's mother, use to cry to my mother about my father being ashamed of her. Not of her, but of her being a black woman. 'Cause if he was a Puerto Rican then his mother couldn't be black.

I don't know where all the sex shit came from. I don't know if he molested the boys but he could have done it by his over exposure of him being how he is in front of them. 

D (brother) has apologized for his behavior. Not that that meant anything 'cause he still fucked his niece. C (brother) didn't even see it (the rampant sexual abuse in the family). He didn't see it till that shit went down at my father's birthday party. Did I ever tell you that? 

J. No.

A. My sister P had on a little black skirt with no panties. She took C's son's hand and put it between her legs and came on to him. C finally saw the curse of our family and now he was the victim having experienced it through his son. He was the victim and not the perpetrator this time. 

J. So C's son told?

A. She did it in the car while other people were right there. 

J. What?

A. Yeah, but this was on the heels of us being at my dad's birthday party and my dad rubbing all over ass!

J. Rubbing on her ass?

A. Yes, he was rubbing on her ass like "Girl, look at all that ass." And she was just like, "Daaaaaady." (Said sweetly)

(Pause)

A. Girl,  one time C's wife came to me and asked me if I fucked her husband!

J. Your brother?

A. I let her have it!

J. How old were you?

A. 'Bout fourteen, fifteen.

J. What did you say?

A. I told her "No, I didn't fuck yo husband, but when I was little yo husband taught me how to kiss. No, I didn't fuck him but when I was younger and found out that C was using drugs, I would use sexual energy to get him to stop."

J. How did you use sexual energy to get him to stop?

A. Like we might be having a conversation and I would be like (saying very sweetly) "You know C, I just don't want you out there doin' drugs" and shit like that and I would kiss his face or somethin'. 

J. Which one is the brother that died?

A. R. The only brother I ever had that I didn't feel squeamish when he hugged me. The only brother that never made a muthafuckin' sexual advance. Well, G, 'cause G never did that shit either. I wonder how he escaped that shit. 

J. Do you talk to your nieces about him?

A. No, it's a lot of them that don't know. Like my bother C's daughter,  she don't know nothin' about him.

J. Her grandfather?

A. Well, that's his step granddaughter 'cause that's C's wife's daughter, but he been with her so long that...

J. What would your dad say if he read your book?

A. I don't know what he would say, but I'll tell you what he did say. One time years and years ago when I took Ch to meet him he was so inappropriate. He told her about when he had my mom doing a threesome he said that one pussy is good but two pussies is better. 

I went home and wrote him like a five page letter and told him that my first memories of him were of him molesting me and beating my mother. He called me and told me to meet him at a club where he was playing. He said he couldn't believe I would say that. He didn't apologize or anything, he just put it on me. He tried to guilt me. 

J. Damn.

A. Yeah, I don't know how red handed he would have to be caught to come out and tell the truth. 

J. How old is he now?

A. 'Bout to be eighty-two.

J. Wow.

A. It's funny how my dad will tell me how he saw me strapped to my mother while she was on her motorcycle.

J. Strapped to her?

A. Yeah, she would strap me to her and we would be gone on her bike 'cause she was gon be out when the fuck she had to be out. But he won't talk about how he made my mother have ten abortions before she had me.

I can only imagine how many ass whoppin's my mother took for me. 'Cause she wouldn't let him hit me. The one time he hit me was because I had this Strawberry Shortcake sweater on that I LOVED, and my cousins had moved in and put my shirt on and I was like "Take my muthafuckin' shirt off now!" Then my father came in and slapped me so hard I flew across the room. I think that's when my mother left. You could whip her ass but she didn't let him hit me.

J. Then how did your mother react when you told her that he touched you or whatever?

A. She was mad but I didn't say it like "Mom, this is what happened..." I just kinda said it like she already knew. Like I do with you. I have a hard time believing she didn't she didn't know. But, I mean, what grown ass man takes a bath with his daughter with the door closed?

But you know, my father usta walk around butt ass naked like a nudist?

J. Did your mother ever say anything?

A. 'Bout what?

J. 'Bout him walking around like that.

A. My father was tolerated. I mean, if he wasn't he was gon beat you. So even if she felt a way about it, she could'na done nothin'. She was like, that's just how he do. He walk around with his dick out.