Journaling as therapy

Today is Tuesday, July 19, 2011 and it’s 8:54am. I’m at Debra’s condo. When I got here at 8, I got the report from Cindy, the caregiver from the last shift. She told me that they had a rough few days. Debra apparently didn’t want to cooperate with anything and cursed Cindy out. To top all of that, Cindy said that last night she (Cindy) was sleep on the couch and Debra (who never gets out of bed alone) had not only gotten out of bed but walked over to the chair next to where Cindy was sleeping and was staring at her when she woke. “She just sat there looking at me, girl! Pattin’ that cat in her lap!”

Already with me Debra is in a good mood but unwilling to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Doesn’t want to get out of bed, get dressed, take a bath. I washed her up and changed her briefs while she was in bed. I started her breakfast, two boiled eggs, one half orange, one toast with butter and coffee. I’ll give her her medication in a few minutes. Debra is returning to her old self I think. Her self before her fall and memory loss. She is able to do much more physically than she has been able to since her fall. I want us to have a good three days together. Hopefully we will.

I’m back. Had to take a break to work but here I am again. It’s 12:29pm now, Debra is clearly having an, I will do what I want to do day. It’s ok though. I’ve noticed that she is cooperating best when I am away from her. I asked her to fold a stack of towels for instance. I sat them at the end of her bed and asked her if she would fold them when she got a chance. I waited in the room and listened. She was quiet while the television show was on (some show on the USA channel). I listened for the commercial to end and I came out. The towels were done. Each exercise was the same way. Fine with me.

I’m feeling pretty good today. I had a long day yesterday. A long good day though. I got off work at 8am from Ms. Brenda’s house in Altadena, then drove about forty minutes south to Long Beach, then to the tire shop to get a new tire. Then to Bakersfield, a four hour trip north to pick up Uraeus (yay!). Then to Palmdale (my favorite part of the trip). I so enjoy rides and conversations with Uraeus.

Uraeus is on break from football practice and will be with me. I am scheduled to work today, Wednesday and Thursday with Debra, so my plan was to take him and spend the day and night with him and my family in Palmdale and come to work from Palmdale this morning. Which I did.

We all had a good time yesterday. They enjoyed seeing him. He is taller and more beautiful each time they do. My Aunt Pat is my favorite aunt. That’s where he is. Being loved up on by her, my uncle and cousins. I wish I could be there today and experience the day in his face. But I’m working and I know he’s well. And thank God for cell phones. Also today he will be running around with my cousin (who is also a good friend) Merle. He’s in good hands. I still miss him.

It’s hot today. That’s not a complaint. Just an observation. Another observation is that since I’ve been journaling in my private journal I haven’t been waking up with angry thoughts. My private journal? Yes, my journal where I allow myself to be as free as I want to be. And beyond. It’s the journal where I don’t censor myself. I allow myself to be angry if I want to. And sometimes I do. I allow myself to be angry without judging myself. In my daily life I find myself immediately cleaning up any negative statement. Which is not a healthy way for me to be.

It was last year about this time when xxxxxxx and I broke up. Actually the end of August will be a year. Anyway, I don’t remember his words exactly but I do recall my response being, “So what? That was that moment! What, I have to be positive every single moment and if I’m not it’s a problem?” To which he responded, “I guess so.”

Don’t get me wrong here, that I am not “positive every single moment” was not the reason for our breakup. Even mentioning it that day was just an excuse. It still stuck.

But in my journal, my private journal that I don’t publish, I say what I want. As viscously as I wish. As lovingly as I want. Since I’ve been journaling this way, the noise has calmed in my head greatly. Besides the purpose of calming the noise, journaling helps because my pen reveals things about me sometimes I wouldn’t notice otherwise. And I publish on this blog because…I do.

It’s tiring, the part of me that is cheerleader to as many as I can be that for. Especially those closest to me. I was that for Willie. His cheerleader. To a fault. My fault. Every argument must have landed as a threat to the vision he had of himself. I don’t know. But at the end of that day, we were through. For good. Thank God. I didn’t get on the plane going back to Georgia with him and that was one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself and my life. Neither of us were too broken up about the breakup. I wasn’t and I don’t think he was. His ego wouldn’t let him be. Besides, his relationship card was already full enough. As narcissists are, when you no longer fit into their lives (their lives that are all about themselves), or at least, when they don't see what else they can take, then poof.

I sat there and couldn’t believe the words that fell from his mouth. But I could. I believed every word. “I want a woman who has some health insurance so I can get on her plan.” Blah blah blah. After five years on and off, that was the relationship I was most ready to say goodbye to. The lies and the level of betrayal that I found out later is what hurt. Deeply. The truth fell on me like buildings. This lie, that lie. I am trying not to be too specific in this blog only for the sake of his daughter, who may never read this blog but if she does, doesn't need the intimate details of his foolishness. What also hurt was that he is and will always be so completely caught up in himself to see any pain his lies, cheating and betrayal caused. I’m much better now. Time heals much. I do feel sorry for every woman who has ever and will ever cross his path.

Wow, talk about revelations. I never know how the journal entries will end or what will come out. I have noticed though that whatever comes out is ready to come out. And that I am ready to deal with it.

It’s 2:01pm and Debra is absolutely refusing to get out of bed today. At least for right now. I don’t want this shift to be a repeat of the last caregiver’s shift, soooooo, I’m taking care of her needs and backing off as much as I can.