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Not sleep
Because this is
The story of my life
Being awake at some point
During the
Three o'clock hour
The God hour
When I talk to God or not
Sometimes I just talk
Myself into loving
The lies I make up
Like how much I love
This skin that holds me
How beautiful that
Woman is in my bathroom
That full face and stomach
And hips and arms in my mirror
That voice that has become so shaky
From telling
Such beautiful lies
It's a slow thing
Taking off
Putting on
My love for every part of me
Has always been conditional
Except you better not say nothin'
You better love me how I am
What type of shit is that
To make your partner carry
Whoever said I was fair
Or any good at relationships
Too many times
I need a minute to
Not be touched
Or seen
In that way
See me for who I am
For who I am in the world
Not who I am in your bed
Not tonight
Or tomorrow
Then hold me later
Later later
When my mind has
Returned to my forgiveness
And I can look at that lady
In the glass
With my freckled face
And crooked feet
And kiss her like she deserves to be kissed
I am too many women
All in one day
I surmise loving me
Gets tricky
I can't keep up myself
Sometimes
I am trying
I have lived too passive a life
Giving away my voice
Shrinking next to you
So many of yous
Giving away my body
So your ego will still be ok
So many of yous
One time he
(Another long time ago random he)
Pulled me next to him
In front of the mirror
To tell me how good we looked together
That was the only time he called me beautiful
Or good
When I was standing next to him
You don't love me
You love that bitch in the glass
I took that mirror
Off my wall when he left
I am not always this way
There are moments
Like now
This God hour like now
When I don't have to
Search for the beauty and goodness in me
I can just sit in all this quiet
Listen to the trains going by
And be with
Whatever there is
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