A poem a day for 2013 - day 135 - The journey this far. For Valerie Bridgeman.

I made a commitment to myself

To write a poem a day for this year

This year

There are three hundred sixty-five days in a year

Every year

This one too

I thought what I would get out of this journey

Would be three hundred sixty-five new poems

To play with

To pull from

Rework and publish

I did not know all of this

Valerie, is it the same for you

Are there days when you are so full inside

With what is going on in the world

With what is going on in your life

That you just want to hide under

All the knives in your kitchen

And wake up the next day like nothing happened

Is it like that sometimes

To write a poem every day for

Three hundred sixty-five days straight

Is to check in with yourself

And tell yourself the truth

And then report that to the world

The whole world

Because that's what I said I would do

It was January 1 when I started this journey

It is May 15 today

Today is day one hundred thirty-five

Say one hundred thirty-five

Pronounce all of the syllables

The year does not end until December 31

But then you know that

No

I do not like all of the work pouring out of me

I do not like most of it

Some of it

Especially recently

Is even embarrassing

Yes

I wrote that and called it a poem

What this journey is doing for me

Is emptying me of stories I will not tell again

Sad songs I will not sing

One

More

Time

It gives me platform to call out the names of our babies missing

Our women abused

Our men shot down

This hurts every time

But I cannot not

Every time

It gives me opportunity to see when my life is not a match for my words

How can I write this love poem and feel this sadness

How can I write the sadness and be so in love

Seasons have changed since this journey began

I have left my lover

A man I loved and still do

A man I will forever

A man who gifted me with his love

His protection

His arms at night

His thoughts by day

Sad as it is

Journeys end though

They just do

I have wandered through nights

I have found new home

Women have been held captive for years

Hadiya Pendleton is dead

Tonya McDowell is in jail for twelve years for sending her son to a school

Outside her district

Christopher Dorner is dead (we think)

LAPD is alive

My nephew and niece had a birthday

I gave away all of my clothes

Except a few pair of jeans

Some t-shirts and my favorite pair of Chucks

I have a new distaste for too many things

It is courageous of us, I think

To keep writing

Through all of these seasons

And it is insane

But then so are we

Courageous and insane and complicated

I want to quit this project some days

Many days

But I don't

Because tomorrow will come

And I will regret that I quit

I have wanted to give up some days

Literally.

Give

Up

Some

Days

I get swallowed sometimes

By very dark clouds

Then sometimes I can't come down

From all this antsy and fire

That won't stop in my bones

And I am loved by so many

And blessed with so much

So I don't give up

I write through all of it

Because tomorrow will come

And I will regret

That I gave up

Everything

I kee writing

For all those tomorrows

That

Keep

Coming