Going off meds. Side effects. Lost.

I had been going back and forth with the idea of going off my meds again. I have never done it successfully. Ever. I've tried about four times. Each time I find myself back at the center and then to the pharmacy to get more meds. I sink too low and go to high without them. But I was feeling like I need to feel again. To be me again. I was sure funnier without them. I think. I was a better writer. Maybe. I don't know, I just wanted to feel like myself again. The side effects are getting to me. So I waited about two weeks to get my meds. Then I started feeling it again. That low. That scary low. So I went to pick up my pills. I went to my mom's house that night because I was doing something with my family. I accidently left the pills there and now no one can find them. So it's been about three weeks now. I've been working every day and haven't had time to go get more. I don't even know what the process is to get more pills before my refill date. I've never lost them before. Lost them. That sounds so fucking childish. How could I lose them? Fuck! I'm off Tuesday though and hopefully I can get it settled.