Today. Down. Dream.

 11:31am. Home. I had been doing pretty good. Haven't had a depressive episode in months I think. It hit me hard today. It started last night. Yesterday rather. I couldn't find or get into a working grove. I completed one project only because a friend came by and helped me with it. We were sitting on the rooftop and got it done. If it wasn't for her that would have been left undone too. I told her that I was feeling a bit slow and couldn't get into a working flow. She told me that I was just supposed to take the day off. I agreed. So I did. I finished my laundry and went to bed early. Before bed I said a prayer that this was not the beginning of another episode. When I woke up this morning I knew. Depression is a different heavy. A different kind of sadness. It's a stuck that has me motionless. Uraeus had to be at work this morning at 6:15 so I took him. I'm always trying to hide my episodes from him. I don't know why. He's not a child and he's very understanding. But he's still my son and I don't like him seeing me like that. Lyft and Uber rides are getting expensive and I really don't like ANY young Black men on the busses. I hate how young men are approached by gang members there. Uraeus never complains about being on the bus but I can do without the worry so it's easier for me to take him. I kept crying the whole way. Not hard and heavy tears but soft ones that dripped. Not dripped. Flowed. I thought I was hiding but Uraeus asked me what was wrong. I told him that I just get down sometimes. He understood. We've had this conversation before. He helped me log onto my Spotify account and I listened to Michelle Obama's podcast. That made me feel good. I dropped him off and we exchanged I love you's. On the way back home I stopped at my neighborhood bank to deposit some cash. My bank card got stuck in the ATM. That was a very small thing but it infuriated me. I calmed myself down and called the bank to get a new card. I kept telling myself that wasn't a big deal. I came home and cleaned up. There wasn't much to clean. Just some laundry to put up and trash to take out. I cut the lights out and made the place completely dark and crawled in bed. There were better choices I could have made. Maybe I should have gone for a walk. Maybe sat out on the rooftop. Maybe even sat on my couch and painted. I didn't. I crawled into bed. In the dark. I was scheduled to paint a mural today in Carson. Thankfully it was cancelled because I don't know what good I would have been. I fell asleep and had a very bad dream. Three men had captured me. One man was in charge. All three were Black. They looked like gang bangers. One had long ponytails in twists. One looked like the rapper Xibit. The last had a short fro. All had on white t-shirts and blue jeans. They took me out of my car. I don't remember how. I was terribly afraid. Afraid to move. Afraid to look them in the faces. Afraid I was going to be raped. Or hit. Or shot. Or stabbed. Just afraid. I was taken to a room and there were two other women there. I knew one of them but I don't remember who she was. I think it was Tara, a friend I've had since first grade. The men kept coming in the room threatening me. Only me. Why me? We were led outside to sit on the curb. They knew we were too afraid to leave. One man, the leader came up to me and told me that they were going to take me in the house and do things to me. Told me to wait right there on the curb until he returned. I was the most afraid I've ever been. I was frozen. My friend, the one I think was Tara (but I'm not sure) shook me and told me that we all had to run right now. There was no time to be frozen or think about it. We had to leave now. We were on our own because they would catch us together. Before I could respond they took off. Then I ran too. I was on the west side of Long Beach. I grew up there and was very familiar with the neighborhood. I ran down random streets then thought I would run to Santa Fe which is a big street and I thought I could find someone there to help me. I approached the street cautiously. I stuck my head out first. I was on 34th and Santa Fe and looked to the right and there they were. They were waiting for me. The leader was in the middle and had his arms folded across his chest like he knew I would be there. The saw me and started chasing me. I was running down 34th and was almost at the church on Delta and 34th. The one that used to be St. Luke. I woke up. I was safe but still afraid. I hate feeling afraid. I hate feeling depressed. I hate this heavy. I have so much work to do but I can't do anything. Anything at all.