Saturday, October 8, 2011

Choosing sun (from journal entry 10-6-11)

At work. Feeling good. I've been feeling good for days now. Can you tell? It's such a beautiful day today. The heavy rain yesterday and last night washed away so much smog and the sky is the most wonderful light blue. The air is slightly crisp like I like it. I still didn't get my hot chocolate, but whatever. It really is all good. Because I say so.

That's what all good is, you know, a decision that it is. And no, I'm not giving myself the "It's all good speech" to make myself not see what's not good. I'm making a choice for how I feel in the moment.

Over the past month I experienced on and off again but mostly on an overwelming feeling of sadness. The scary kind of sadness. The kind that comes for no seemingly real reason. I know I'm getting older, my body and hormones are changing, but still...So I decided to have a new relationship with the sad cloud. Before, my judgement about it was that it should not be there. But sadness, like rain, like problems, like good times, like life...comes. And we prepare for it. When it rains we acknowledge the rain and prepare accordingly. Sometimes there is no prediction of rain. And the rain just comes. Catches us in the middle of a three mile walk. So we make it as fast as we can to shelter. Or we continue at our normal pace and let the drops fall on us. Whatever, but we do what we do and we know the rain doesn't last forever.

Hopefully you can work your way around my metaphors. What can I say? I'm a poet, a painter, a blogger.


And yes, in the moment of the sinking it will take a little more work than say, opening an umbrella to keep the crazies away. For me, when I think back and through my journals, there are particular triggers, and particular times I felt myself get low. I have expressed before that I do not choose to medicate myself through this and so I know I need to put something in place for when/if I feel that way again. I'll keep you posted. I aways do.

Anyway, this is a clear head day and I'm loving it. My laundry is already in my trunk so I'm going to go to get that done after work then get some rest. Gotta keep what what works. I have to take a nap before I must take a nap.

Laugh today people, mkay? Even if it's not that funny.

I love you. I do you know.

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