Saturday, October 27, 2012

Dear promoters, what you should know about me

Sometimes I talk about my period

I was molested and raped and I have poems about that
None of them rhyme

Being a feminist does not mean I hate men

There are some men I don't like
Some women too
But that's mostly because they're jerks

I am getting older and certain body parts aren't
As perky as they used to be
I have poems about that
They don't rhyme either

I'm a black woman
A mom
My bills are usually past due
I like my checks on time

I write poems about my checks not being on time
They rhyme

I like my name spelled right on flyers
I like my name pronounced right on the microphone
If you call me a girl when you introduce me
And wonder why I'm looking all around when you think
I should be walking on stage
It's because you called me a girl
When you introduced me

I used to memorize everything
Now mostly I read off of my iPad
I'm really entertaining though
In fact I could read off of a roll of toilet paper
And perform better than most people you know
I have no poems about this

Unless it's a festival or something
I don't like being booked with nine thousand other people

I won't take a pay cut because you have to pay the band

I will be on time
It's a problem if you aren't too

I will not be high or drunk
It's a problem if you are high or drunk

I'm going through an early menopause
I fan myself on stage
It's sexy though

Thank you
But stop calling me Miss Jaha

I like wearing really big shoes
If there are more than seven steps to get to the stage
Tell me
I will wear my Ugg boots instead
I will be fly either way

I wear shinny eye shadow
That's my thing
My left side is my good side
Just so you know

You should mention my payment
In our first conversation
Yes, I still do shows for "the love"
But that request of me should be made up front

If I do a free show for you
I will bring the parents of my sons whole football team
If I want to
And expect them to get in for free

Thank you
Have a nice day