Thursday, October 25, 2012

Poem to an ex lover part one

I heard a line in a movie recently that said "we get the love we think we deserve." 
I believe that
During our time I deserved you
Trapped in the prison of my own caging
I was escaping a yesterday I knew I wouldn't survive if I didn't flee

Then I found you, again
A friendship reconnection I deemed safe enough to hold me
Safe enough for me to be still in
Not worry about my back
That's the cliche right? 
I was so worried about my back I let the lies right to my face go by
I deserved the good times and way you made me laugh
I collapsed laughter and good sex with loyalty and love but they were never the same
And sometimes the bruises hurt worse than the roses smell good

I wanted it to be your fault I stayed so long but it was me
I ignored the red flags all on my own
But I deserved you remember? 
Like a guilty magnet holding my own bag of wrongs 
You became my karma for every left I ever turned
So I stayed
Stuck it out
Hoped we would change
We were both liars
We pretended our whatever we had could be any other way 

We joked about our mismatch
And we know what jokes are, don't we? 
Just our true thoughts coming out afraid 
Trapping themselves in a cloak of giggle we create

After all this time I am finally cleaning out cobwebs and crevices
Rodent droppings and mold particles I dusted under rug
I honored myself for stepping away 
Thought that was enough
There is still work left to be done
It's time now
The time is always now
Isn't that funny? 

Because I forgive myself I finally forgive you too
For everything
Before though I thought forgiveness was a wand I could wave
A word I could hocus pocus
Forgiveness requires an ouch
An acknowledgement of stepped on toe

I tried to act like nothing happened
There was so much something
That happened
Perhaps all of this is lost on you
Maybe none of this is an it you are capable of feeling
And that's ok because this is not about you
It's my cleaning house

There is more to do
But this is a start
A load in the dumpster
Space available now for me to move and twist and plant something new

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