Thursday, October 25, 2012

The episode

I have been so angry lately
Angry and hiding
My norm
But I am
Triggered by thoughts of abuse and what I took
Silently took
It's all I can seem to authentically write about
I never allowed myself to go down sex abuse road long enough to feel anything
But I'm there now 
Icky and sore

I'm paranoid
Afraid I look angry to the world
Afraid of being on stage 
Everything is temporary
Including this 
I know
Still I'm afraid of its presence in my right now

I don't want to do anything 
I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone for the next few days
I just fuck
Need a minute

I'm tired of my on voice when I speak to friends and family
Tired of pretending to be ok this week
Tired of whining about my life

This is that side of being bipolar that sucks
The feeling I know so well
The feeling that comes from who fucking knows where
The shit that lands on me

I've been feeling these fuckung ups and downs since middle school
I didn't understand it then and I'm no better at it now
So what it has a name

I would love to hear some good poetry tonight
Hear a song
Watch someone play the guitar
Hide under sweater and hat and sink into words that take me somewhere else

I will get through this
That's what I do
I always do
This is not permanent

This down down down
This thing that seems bigger than I
This thing I am never sure I can fucking crawl out of
This shit that has me crying for no fucking thing
This part right now

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