Wednesday, November 28, 2012

NaNoWriMo - Day 28 - Dear Mary

It's 9:23pm and I am home with Love. It's quiet now, after dinner and I am enjoying a movie. Some silly movie about men plotting to kill their bosses. It's dumb, but I'm watching still. I will be up for a while tonight working on a writing project I have not made much headway on so far. Words. Art. Creating. That's what my night will be about.

Today was an easy day. My posts have been pretty dull lately, I know. I haven't been working too hard writing. This will shift. It always does. I just have to write through this phase. I am not the victim of it. I am bigger than this weak writing I've been doing. It will take energy though. But enough about me. Your birthday is in two days! How do you feel about that? Does that even matter to you? I told you that I will celebrate your birthday this year and I will. In my own way, I will. I haven't settled on what I will do, but something.

I'm happy right now. Really happy. Just because. I am appreciating this comfortable. This easy. This period of my life. It seems like things are always moving so fast. Always something to stress over or complain about. That or I'm over excited about something. I'm in such a different space in this season. I'm thankful for it. They say that the measure of the pendulum swing to the left is the measure to the right. I welcome that. I have been stressed and tired for so long I welcome a season of...not that.

It's 9:43 now and this movie staring at me is getting sillier and sillier by the minute and this writing project isn't going to happen magically. Before I go though I want to share how wonderful it was having dinner and watching a movie with Love tonight. I'm not usually home when he gets in but I was today. We sat and talked and found a good movie on television. Well, I liked it, he didn't. But we watched it together and talked and shared simple stories about our day. Just simple, regular, easy. I've waited so long for this. We've had our challenges this year but through all of it he has been there. Dependable, dedicated, friend. I have worked on letting go of negative stories and issues that have prevented me from moving forward in the way I wanted to. I have allowed myself to let pain surface and feel it. I didn't run. I stayed and talked through the feelings. I wrote and painted and took pictures. I did whatever I could. I was finally tired of carrying bags I was carrying. Tired of putting bandages over the bruises. I let them air out and breathe. Finally. I feel the difference in myself and in my relationship. I let my bags tell me lies and I believed them. I believed that I wasn't capable of being in a healthy romantic relationship. That I wasn't lovable. I know that's not true. I know I am lovable and very much worthy and deserving of a healthy romantic relationship. I know the journey isn't over. I am still healing. I'm in the process and I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned so far and know I have many more to go.

I love you, Mary, but I must get some other work done tonight before I get too sleepy.

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