11:29pm. Got in from the Topanga library about twenty minutes ago. The evening was just what I wanted and needed. I read with Ann, Jean and Paul. Well, I shouldn't say just what I wanted because I would have loved for there to have been another black face in the building, but it's cool. I had a great time. I was on a panel with other poets and we shared our work and works of others. The audience was eager to participate. Their energy fed us greatly.
My mouth is still so sore. I didn't take any medicine just before I left because I knew the drive one way was going to be a couple of hours with the traffic. The show another few hours and then the hour drive back. I couldn't be sleepy. I wasn't sleepy but I was way sore. I think the dentist did something wrong. I still can't open my mouth all the way and my smile is all crooked. This is a lot.
Mary, again, I am rambling. You know what I do. It's late and I've taken my medicine and am trying to get the words out before I get too sleepy, which I hope is very soon.
I feel it already, this free write will be a mess. I'm sure. Whatever.
The theme tonight was on relationships. Just what I needed. Just the area where I am trying to really grow. Relationships. Romantic relationships specifically. We talked about this earlier today, you and I. I did the talking. When will you talk to me? But don't spook me. Remember we have an agreement.
We talked tonight about relating to each other. Humans relating to each other and to everything around us. Isn't that great? I talked about you. About how we can create relationship through words and thought and prayer. I shared my story of relationships and my new relationship to relationship. In my past thinking, a relationship was something with a year and a half to two years time stamp on it. I never created romance without an expiration date. The question was never if, always when. Finally, I am creating endless. I don't know if it will end, but if it does it will without my pre stamp on it. I'm working on the long run. The thought of that does scare me a bit because it takes some re wiring on my part. But I am working on it. Day by day. We both are.
I love the way he totally shows up as partner. The way he is even to my up and down and that he listens and shares. We have areas where we can grow toward each other and that's the beauty of this thing we have. We are creating friendship. Daily. This creating is not always easy or fun but it is worth it. This is worth it.
I see him as mirror, showing me where and who I am right now. When I see myself honestly I see the walls I have built around myself. I see where I am not sharing myself. I see how I am still walking with one foot ready to run. I see myself as still afraid to unpack literally and figuratively. I am too catious about heavying my load so that my bags are always easily carryable. Any of that make sense? It's work. Looking at the big picture is more than what I am easily able to do, but this moment at a time feels right. And truthfully, that's all we have anyway. The moment. And then the next. Our whole lives are collections of these moments.
Help me, Mary, not to make a mess of this.