I am sitting at the El Pollo Loco in Inglewood on Century and Crenshaw at 6:21pm. I have just finished a meal that cost almost ten dollars. That may be my only ten dollar meal for this week. Not my only meal of course. And that is ok. Because I have my life. I have my health. My son is alive and healthy. I have my freedom. I have the sun in my rearview mirror and a belly filled with chicken and spicy chipotle. What is chipotle? Why have I never heard of chipotle before? I see life differently these days. I still have problems of course. Sure I do. But one thing at a time, you know. One thing at a time.
I am much better than I was. I know that. I don't fully know the science of how the pills balance what chemicals in my body. And that's ok. And I know it's not just the pills. I know it's prayer. My prayers and the prayers of others. Perhaps you too. I know it's God who is good, and all the time Goddess is good. I know. I know it's will and power and determination and strength. I know it's love and art and heart. I know it's something I have to keep up. And that's ok. I'm up for that.
I am sitting in the parking lot because I go into the studio tonight at 9 and it is easier to stay here than go all the way home. Though soon I will have to leave this spot because the police have already made their warning circle. We who live in Los Angeles south of the Wilshire line know the warning circle.
Helicopters again. One day I will write. I will sit outside and I will write about my day and helicopters will not be a part of my narrative. Have you ever seen good come from helicopters in neighborhoods housed primarily of people of color? Take away news choppers with cameras, what good are they here?
"Don't touch me! Don't touch me!" I just heard a child say. There is a a boy playing with who appear to be his siblings/friends in an apartment complex across from the parking lot where I am parked. Don't touch me. How beautiful those words are. I didn't know those words when I was a child small as he. I mean, I knew the words. I didn't know I could speak them so forcefully. Like my body belonged to me. Like I could speak and demand someone not touch my body. Don't. Touch. Me.
It is 6:41pm. I will stop at Starbucks and treat myself to tea before studio. I will love myself in this way today.