Sunday Stories (19)

The story for this Sunday is more celebration than story. I've been in feels for days now. I sat in my car on Friday to finish listening to Aunties Nikki and Angela then I watched and listened to Cousins Erykah and Jill today. I know the live was yesterday but I couldn't watch the whole thing then. Hey YouTube!

Let me just say, I love being a Black woman so much! I love us! Way we hair, dress, cook, bring up these children, keep house, speak, sing, fight. I love how beautifully creative we are. I love being in the number. I love loving myself.

Not that I didn't always love myself but let's just say, the relationship was complicated. I doubted myself. My worth, talent, beauty, intelligence. All of it. Too many times I felt lucky to be liked. Too many times I auditioned for the role of good friend, girlfriend, wife only to get callbacks. And any hire I got from those people was on a probationary period. I stayed exhausted. My love for myself showed in the people I let get way too close to me. Friends I let talk down to me, lovers I let repeatedly mistreat me, jobs where I stayed too long instead of following my calling. I put too much stock in what they (all the theys) thought, said, did.

But you know what happened? I turned fifty and had a straight up come to Jesus with myself on how I am gonna ride out these remaining years. I'm gon be a free Black woman or nah? What does it even mean to be free? What does that mean for Black women? What / who am I holding onto that is keeping me from flying? As it turns out, it's me, it's me, it's me o Lord, standing in the need of prayer (and faith, a good full length mirror and a dust cloth for wings I been had). Way I see it, at fifty I only have so many creative years left. So I'm either gon carry people's bad opinions of me with me or not. I'm gon let people keep reminding me who I was or not. I'm gon trust God who made me or not. And I choose to fly! (And be fly! Heeey!)

So in celebration of fully loving my Black woman ness I take on trusting myself. Honoring the red flags. Loving myself and my feelings more than you and yours (insert Kanye shrug with Black woman pursed lips). And listen when I tell you, I'm celebrating all these baby steps. From March I went from 261 pounds to now 237. And you know what my weight goal is? 236. Then watch me celebrate and create a new weight goal (of 235. Then 234. Then. Then. Then...) I am celebrating everytime I say no without giving an explanation. I am celebrating everytime I honor my space. Everytime I say what I want to say. Celebrating all the things. Y'all can join this party or no. I'm gon be good. I loved everything about the talk with Nilki Giovanni and Angela Davis but my takeaway line was from Nikki when she said "We keep asking people who hate us if we're pretty." IF. THAT. AIN'T. A. WHOLE. WORD. I'm 'but to be free and pretty in these streets y'all. I hope to see you soon.