*a memoir under construction DEAR GOD, a memoir in verse

Dear God
Driving down the 405
At night
Changing lanes
Speeding up
Slowing down
90s hip hop blaring
KRS 1, Tupac, LL
A podcast
A master class
Oprah, Spike Lee, Brenee Brown, there are many
Memories and questions burn
Questions about what's next for me
My career
My mental health
Questions about when I will make the time to rest
Like I know what a good rest feels like
Questions morph out of the clouds, road, sea
At fifty the world is different now
It is bigger and smaller somehow at the same time
My past is different too
All the places I bumped my head
Places I considered my hell
Today are only corners of my shaping
I think I am ready now
To do the work
To look at what's so
All the yesterdays
I didn't understand
Confused about the whys
The why mes

The how comes
Wonder where You were
In those dark days
And the days were dark
The voices loud
The thoughts deadly
But I did not die
I am standing
On this side of the mountain
Mountain of homelessness
Of sexual abuse
Of mental disease
Of being born Black and woman in this America
There have been many mountains
Oh, many mountains
Oh, many nights I wondered where You were
Why I could not find rest in Your bosom You offer to the world
Oh, the nights
The questions
The fear
Doubt
The worry
Over money
Safety
Sanity
*
You were there
In Sunday school
Miss Williams said You were everywhere
The five of us were there
In the small white tent next door
I don't remember any of their names
Only hands
Only fingers
Hers

The big girl's hand pressed against my red barrettes
Pushing and pulling my head on his dick
It was not like peppermint or Bit O Honey
It was a Bomp Pop and Big Stick
But not sweet and orange
It was Play Do left open
Ashy and uncared for
Pointing and ready for me
To suck

I was four and he was nineteen
I think
He was a Black boy
Wore faded blue jeans
And a half smile on his dark brown and bumpy looking face

What was his name, God
You know the number of hairs on our heads
Like the song says
You knew his name
And his smell
And his eyes
And her hands
You knew why, God
Rev. Ford said
God is always in control

The girls were sixteen and seventeen
I think
There was another boy
Little like me
He didn't have to suck dick
Because the big boy wasn't no fag

There was just me
My tiny lips and throat
And a dick
A dick, God
I always knew that boys had pre pees
But this was my first dick
Do pee pees grow into dicks

I must have done a real good job
Way she inhaled hiss and ahhed and watched with the others
Then there was wet that was not spit from my choke
God, are dicks always so messy and wet

He peed in my mouth
He peed in my mouth
I screamed and ran out the tent

I tried to race to my house
Just next door to my father
Who would beat that dick up if he knew

The youngest and meanest of the big girls caught me
Tied a thick brown rope around my neck
Lifted me to the clothes line post cemented in the ground
Held my body as it swung

This post was not for sun drying dresses and skirts
To be worn on Sundays with lace stockings and black shoes
This post was a four year old's Calvary

Jesus wept and I did too
Did You leave Jesus alone
Was Jesus scared
Did Jesus wonder why he was so bad

Her lips close as a prayer when she threatened if I told
Said I was a nasty girl anyway
Said she would run tell my mother first
Said I was out here being fass
Being all nasty

I was dirty

I have been nasty and dirty ever since
Are You the same God
The one who could never
Get me quite clean
No matter my awards or deeds
No matter how fast I forgave
No matter the down ass / ride or die bitch I proved myself to be
I never got clean

*
When I got home
I don't remember what I did
I remember I was afraid
I had something to hide
Not like I had done something bad
I WAS something bad

I was a thing now
Not sugar and spice
I was mud and wet grass
I was hard rocks and trash

I knew You didn't like bad
Knew my parents could never find out
The nasty thing I did

Put my mouth on a big boy's penis and sucked
It didn't matter the girls made me
I still did it
I still sucked
Except I wasn't sucking at all
Was choking on a dick
Too big for my lips
Too heavy for my throat
No good girl would ever do that
I was a sinner
A fass ass dirty sinner

That night my mother gave me a bath
Asked me about the rope burn and I lied
Said I was playing a game
I knew she didn't believe me

Now I was a lying fass ass dirty sinner
I don't remember what happened to the dick
Or the little boy
Or the two girls next door
I don't remember them babysitting me anymore after that

Did You hear my prayers, God
Did You hear them after that
Do You ever listen now

My dolls weren't the same anymore
My coloring books either
My mother was pregnant with my sister
I was too little to play with the neighborhood kids
Didn't matter though
What would we play
Games weren't the same anymore
There was a dick

*
Thank You, God for blessing me
With a child of my own
No one owns another body
No matter how new
My little boy is Yours
And his
He belongs to himself

There are days I stare at him
As he plays
He likes to be Spiderman
He likes the Muppet Babbies
I watch him as he sleeps

I am always afraid
I am afraid of strangers
Way they look at him
Way they walk past
I have to leave him sometimes
My breath does not belong to me
Until I see his face again
Until I see his dirty fingers

Don't leave him, God
Don't leave him alone
Please
Please

I ask him questions
When we are alone
About people
About touches
About daycare
About play

He doesn't understand
I think he is annoyed
I hug him too long
My whole head on his shoulder
My coarse hair knife in his face
Prickly and sharp
He pulls away first
Sometimes I think he knows
How dirty I am

There are days, God
When the clouds are too heavy
For my head to hold

I am afraid
I want to see You face to face
I want to be out there where You are
I want to become a butterfly
A tree
I want to live in the sky
The clay
The sea
Too many days
Too many thoughts
I don't know why
Will You be there for him
Will You watch him grow
Will You tell him how sorry I am

I cannot explain to him
The weight of this dirt
How heavy the thoughts that come
From nowhere
From everywhere
Since early middle school
The waves too crashing
The sadness too deep

My baby did not make me clean
Did not save me
Is not enough to make me stay
I am afraid

*
I pick him up from daycare
I don't sign him out and leave as usual
I sit instead
I talk to Mrs. Debbie

I am on the same couch
Close to her face
She is older now
I am older too

She remembers me
When I was a little girl
In the choir at church
On the junior usher board
All my Easter speeches

We talk and remember together
Our days in the church
I tell her Rev. Hunter
Used to kiss me with his tongue
Every
Every
Time
Deep in my mouth
When I was a little girl
When I would extend my cheek
He would grip my chin
With his forefinger and thumb
Who would have believed me
What would I have said
I am ashamed to tell her
How afraid of him I was
Afraid to tell
To run
To move
To cry
I am ashamed to tell her my filth
My sin

I stop talking
Just drink my tea
Mrs. Debbie is quiet
I wish I could take my words back
Roll them into a ball
Flush them down the toilet

Maybe she won't believe me
Why would a reverend touch me

She puts down her drink
Turns to me slow
I know
She says
We all knew

I am still as a grave

I am magnet to questions that land on me
Like bricks
Like fire
They stick like leeches and lies

I cannot speak
There is dirt in my mouth
Dirt in my hair
In my shoes
Dirt in my bones

I want to die
I want to be a whisper
A breeze
Anything but me

*
The mania is what scared me most
The mania still scares me
People talk about how hard the depression is
And it is
Depression is crippling and heavy
But I have some control
I couldn't even talk to You
Not even You

When I'm manic it's like there is another woman
Living in my body
That bitch hype
I am a rag doll
Blindly obeying

I can see myself from outside myself
Talking fast and loud
Arms moving wildly
I'm way too crunk

With all the hyper energy come thoughts
Thoughts that come too fast
Thoughts I can't control
I translate them into demands of a bully to play dangerous games
When I am driving the voices tell me to glide off a cliff
Jump off a bridge
Buy the rat poison
Shoot myself in the head
The thoughts go on
There is always another game
Can You hear them too
Do You know what I mean

That night back in June
It was pills

For weeks I had been rapidly cycling between
Depression and mania
That was a switch
From the quicksand of depression I had barely been breathing through

I was having panic attacks
Almost every night
I was afraid of being alone
I was always sad
I was way too sad
I was afraid of everything
Afraid of quiet
Of noise
Of light
Of dark

Mostly I was afraid of being alone

My son worked long shifts
On days and nights I didn't work
I would sit in the parking lot at Target or Kohl's
Five hours
Six

I was still working
I taught a writing class
Worked as a caregiver
I sold my paintings
Performed poetry
Tried to praise You when I could
To be thankful for what I had

Everything I did
I had to do with a happy face
I kept on the table in front of the couch
I was sleeping on the couch
I was afraid of being alone in a room
Afraid of the kitchen
Afraid of the shower

The thoughts were calm at first
Usually in a manic state they are pushy
That night it was like talking to a good friend

You don't have to take all the pills
Just enough so you can get some good sleep
That's not enough
Just a few more
You will be fine
Just to get some good sleep

That's all
Some good good sleep

I swallowed more pills
Then more
Then more
I knew this was for more than good sleep
This was for the best sleep ever

The thing about depression and mania
Is that you believe the thoughts
At least I believed them
Why would a voice in my own head lie to me
Maybe the voice was You
Maybe the voice knew things I didn't
It had to
I believed everyone would be better without me
Believed I was a burden to my son
Believed everyone was staring at me

I am not dirty
I am not trash
Or bad
Or the devil
Or any of the things the thoughts told me before

I am incredible
Am strong and a gift
Made in Your image
Right
You
I know this
I don't know this during an episode
I was deep in one

I felt myself drifting to sleep
I remember praying
I remember floating

I slept the whole next day
My son left for work in the morning
When he returned that evening I was still on the couch
The next day I was present to what I had done
What I had done
Not the voices or thoughts
I did it to myself
I knew I should check back into the hospital
I have been in a psych ward before
No way was I ever going back
Ever ever

I was afraid to tell my doctor
Afraid to tell anyone
I was consumed with sadness and guilt
I drove to my mom's house
I knew I wouldn't have to talk
We sat in the living room
Watched a movie together
I wanted to tell her
I needed to get it out
I didn't know how

The movie was over and I dived
There was so much fear
Of rejection
Of ridicule
Of sermon
I took a bunch of pills
I said in one breath
I took a lot

No mother can hear that easily from her child
I knew she wouldn't know what to say
But I needed to say it
I knew that she loved me
I know that she does
She changed the subject
So fast my neck jerked
I understood
This was the family way
This is how my family deals with trauma
They become ghosts
They
We

How was I different
I tried to leave too
To become invisible
A past tense
To escape the pain of now

I was numb as a tooth
I had no tears
No anger either
What did I even want
We were not mushy women after all
We were not huggy and kissy
We were shoelaces
She and I
Coming in and out of holes
Twisting
Knotting up
Wrapping into pretty bows
Holding on tight
Coming apart
Wrapping up nicely again

Suicide was not pretty
Or positive
Or neat
Or forgivable
It was sin
And forever
And here I was again
Being this way
All ungrateful and selfish
Dropping this load

I don't remember what she said
Something though
Then walked into her room
And stayed

*
There is so much time now
To think and to write
The whole world has shut down
Dear God, many say You are punishing us
With this virus
This thing
This germ in the air

I don't believe that though
Don't believe a pandemic is a punishment
We are not naughty children
We are not dogs that pee on the carpet

Safer at home
Is what they say
Essential workers only
On the roads
Braving this storm
I spend my days and nights at home mostly
I leave for laundry
For food
To take Uraeus to work
To pick him up

Thank You, God
Thank You for my life
I am only here because of You
It has been almost a year since that night
Since the pills
Since everything almost ended

I am driving home
Uraeus is listening to his music
I can't hold back my tears

I tell Uraeus how sorry I am
Sorry about the pills
Sorry I almost left him
To fend for himself

I try to inhale
The air is stingy with itself
I am only allowed the short necessary breaths
It takes to survive

I try to explain the sadness back then
The mania
The thoughts
The hype bitch inside
Are You there, God
Are You there

Uraeus tells me it's okay
Like he understands
I hope he never understands
Hope he never knows how this feels

My tears slow down
Air is filling my lungs
Breathe
Breathe
I hear You talking to me
Hear You clear as thunder

The house was sold soon after that night
That night with the pills
We were only renters
What say did we have

We were homeless after that
For many months
Lived in hotels
Motels
Never Holiday Inns

Rent was one hundred dollars a day
Sometimes even more
Every
Every
Every
Day
Months
Months
Over three thousand dollars a month
For months

All of our stuff
In our little room
Mostly we shared a bed
Some nights we got two

I know You were there, God
It had to be You
While I hustled my art and books
While I cried under pillows, in bathrooms
Last year was the hardest year of our lives
But You saw us through

Every night we had food
Every morning we had rent
By the skin of our teeth sometimes
But every morning we paid

I felt so alone
Anger devoured me like flood
My family was nowhere
Never asked how we were
Never asked where

What if I had died that night
That night with the pills
What if I left

Uraeus and I are still on the drive home
The tears return
But they don't fall
We have each other
We know our bond is tight

We are home
Home
Home
We have a new home now
We rent an apartment
Small and comfortable
There is art on the walls
Rent only due on the first
Our shoulders can fall now

December 19 we got the keys to our place
Our place
Our place
My family wants us to come over for Christmas
To go see a movie
To hang out and play

It's too soon
I try to explain
I needed time, God
For the anger to wane

Where were they
All those lonely nights
Early mornings when I was still short on the rent
Short on breath
On hope
On dreams
With only friends I could call
With only my art and books to sell
With a teaching job that paid pennies

With my clients I took care of
All elders with Alzheimers
Who don't know my name

Uraeus was my peace
My friend
My partner on the journey
Spent his days looking for work
Going on interviews
Being told no
Then looking and looking
And looking again

Now we are okay
Now family wants to family
Guess as long as we don't talk about the year that we had
Guess as long as everyone can just move on
How, God
How do I sweep last year under a rug
Just go on like nothing

Here we are in spring
It's better now
We are working
Then coming home
Home
Home
Everyday I am thankful
We have a home

The good thoughts come too
The good talks with my mother
Today she said she could tell I lost weight
I smiled on the phone
Like I had done something right


Maybe my life will never be my own
Maybe I will always be seeking her approval
It's time, God
I know
Even my therapist agrees
Time to paint this canvas of my life
With what I want for myself

I let the thoughts come
The good ones and bad
I let myself get angry
And there are times when I am glad

I remember the Vidars
My cheerleading team
When I was a child
Remember my mother would pile us into her car
As many as could fit
To go to the drive in
Eat popcorn and licorice and drink pop
I remember Friday night sleepovers
Dance offs in the living room
Tetherball games in the backyard

I remember how hard she worked
To keep a roof over our heads
How she didn't bad mouth our dad
How she gave all she had
I remember
I remember

Who was ever emotionally available in my family
Where would she have learned

Not from her mother or father
Not from her many siblings
Not her aunts
Not her uncles
Not the church
Or the world where she lived

I was so hungry though, God
For good touch and care
Starving, God
For someone to see I was there
Me
Me
This artist child
Touched way too soon
Who could not pray the pain away
Who didn't know what to say
Didn't know who to tell what
Who to trust how
I was swallowed in secrets
That made me too sad

I wanted to prove how lovable I was
That I could be pretty and fun
I ignored the red flags
All of my life
Maybe he will stay
Maybe he will stay
Maybe he is sorry
Maybe he is sorry
Maybe I can be better
I can be better

At twenty-two I was watching The Cosby Show
On my own couch when he called
Come over
He said
Let's watch together
Maybe now
Maybe now
He stayed on the phone
The time I was there
I watched Denise and her antics
Theo and his smile
I sat on his futon
Me all alone

Finally he came out of the room
Without saying a word
Kissed me on my neck
Then touched my breasts
I am still again
Numb and afraid
He held my shoulders down
With his elbow and fist
I was too afraid to cry
I was too afraid to fight
My cousin and his girlfriend
Lived just across the street
Maybe if I screamed I thought
Maybe
Maybe
He zipped up his pants
Led me to the door
What happened
I thought
I thought he liked me
But no
I stood outside his door
When he handed me my purse
Now go tell
He laughed
Then closed the screen slow
*
Dear God
Today is like my birthday
Today I feel like I have a new life
Sat across from my mother
At her table
We let old stories rise like the creek
Let them spill like levees done broke
She tells me that she loves me
How proud she is of me
I didn't even know I was holding my breath
'Til I exhaled like a breeze
I tell her I understand
Tell her I know she gave me what she had
I didn't know I was waiting for these words
Warm enough to fill my hungry belly
Starving for so much touch
Waiting to be seen
By the woman who gave me life
Says she is not a woman
Walking around with a basket full of hugs
Handing out kisses
Saying I love you everywhere
I tell her again
How I understand
Tell her how good it is just to know
To hear her tell me so
I don't tell her that
I can't remember any of her touches
Not one
Only the ones I gave to her
The ones that made her flinch

*
It's me, God
It's me
Standing in the need of Your love
Love
Touch
Care
It's me, God
It's me
Choosing men more out of safety than like
He won't rape me (maybe)
Won't cuss me out in front of his friends (maybe)
Won't hit me (maybe)
Won't steal from me (maybe)
It's me, God
It's me
*
I drive to clear my head
From Los Angeles to Ojai back down to San Diego
Put pieces together when I can
The night wind hits my face and I remember laughing
I remember friends
I remember good moments in church, my first community
I remember black paten leather shoes and lace fold down socks
I remember my friends Cathy, Michelle, Alicia and Kim
The wind shuffles my memory to remind me that my days were not always gray
There was sun
There were good times too
There were awkward times

There was being a teenager when my Uncle John called to ask me out on a date
a week ahead of the date to show me how boys are supposed to treat a lady
Me, I was the lady
And I am smiling to myself in traffic and the wind reminds me not to get too happy
and my Uncle John died year before last
On Uraeus's twenty-first birthday
Like I need a reminder, God
Like I ain't always waiting for the other shoe to drop

This morning I woke up thinking
About a time when Uraeus
Was only four months old
We were going with my family to Las Vegas
To celebrate my step father's birthday
Loaded in my mother's Expedition
I didn't know my status as bipolar at that time
Had barely heard of depression
Looking back I was rapidly cycling between the highs and the lows
Almost at the hotel
Somehow my milk for Uraeus
Spilled all in my bag
That was enough to send me to all the dark places
I don't remember what I said
I lashed out at my mother
God, why were the feelings so hard to control
I created an awkward mood for everyone
I was literally crying over spilled milk
When I could finally get my mother alone
I apologized for my outburst
But she didn't want to hear it
Not that I blame her
It was milk after all
And there I was
Acting like my life was over
I didn't know how to explain to anyone
The hell I was going through
Deep inside my head
When Uraeus and I got in the room
My sister, who had just had a baby herself
Brought me some of hers
I remember her handing it to me
Like here
Dang
It's just milk
But to me my life was ending
At least I wanted it to be

The room we were in had two full beds
One for us
The other for my mom and Richard
Before he got into the room
I was standing in front of the window
Standing there looking out
My mental clouds were darker than a nightmare
More dense than L.A. sky
When Richard came in the room
I went to the bed
Started crying like Niagara
He didn't say anything
What was there to say
When my mother came in the room
He told her that I had been crying
No one said anything
We stayed in our own corners
I was used to being alone
In the crowd of my family
Maybe they didn't know what to say
Maybe they were upset
I don't know
I mean here it was
Richard's birthday
The family all together
And here I was again
Acting all like that
*
Today God, I feel the pieces coming together
My windows are down and I hear music from the other cars
Hear my own music
Anita Baker, Sade, Nipsy Hussle, Gregory Porter, Sting
Hear Your voice

I feel Your arms warm on my shoulders
Today I am thankful for home
Home
Before now I only knew home in my head
My dreams
Today my heart is filled with gratitude
With forgiveness
Inspiration
Encouragement
Joy
After being homeless
After all the days and nights of being afraid
Of being lonely
Of being ready to leave this world behind
Almost a year after all the pills
The pills
The pills that night
My son and I have a home now
Ours
I drive up and down the street
With nowhere to go
I watch the moon watch me
Give change to the man on the street
I whisper a prayer
For him
Myself
For all of us here
*
I am thankful for this day, God
For clean water
Healthy food
Money
Art
Words
I am thankful for new
New day
New attitude
New reasons to live
I am thankful for my son
A good laugh and conversation with my nephew and his girlfriend
yesterday
Thankful for my family
My friends
For art sales
For peace
Eyesight
Limbs
The blue sky
The city traffic
The hustle and bustle of folks
I am thankful for gas in my car
For the Dollar Tree down the street
I am thankful for dollars
For my bed
My social media friends
My phone
For the Lauren Hill song blasting outside my window
For grace and mercy
For the good in my life
For mountains
Valleys
Oceans
For my journey
I am thankful
I am thankful for therapy, God
I am thankful that I am not stuck in my memories
I am thankful for good memories
For the love I did receive
For the future ahead of me now

*
Dear God, it has been weeks since I have been writing
The dark clouds returned
They always return
I beat myself up every time
I have a few good weeks in a row and I tell myself I am cured
That I outgrew the dark thoughts
The tears for no reason
Then I am walking down the street and the tears come
From nowhere
From everywhere

The tears come from all the Black bodies falling
The tears come from not feeling safe again
From police brutality again
From being looked upon as criminal everywhere I go
The tears come from feeling like there is nowhere I can go to escape pointing white fingers
My depression is not set up to handle sadness
It is heavy as the world
I have to talk myself off the ledge of my dangerous thoughts
I have to remind myself to breathe
To drink water
To walk
To move my body
To rest

I am rushing past mirrors again
Reminding myself why I stay again
Seeing myself on the other side of this sea again

But I am not stuck today
Not defined by this depression
Not hiding under a mound of clothes

Today I know there is freedom out there for me
Today I will let the thoughts wash on me until they pile at me feet
Today I will kick them aside
I will step over them
I will climb
I will not be the sad girl who does not swim

My body is still
But there is life in my head
There is freedom
There is freedom out there for me