Sunday Stories (23)

Hello everyone. I hope you are well. I hope you are finding ways to take care of yourselves. I hope there is laughter and peace in your day.

It's 10:20pm and I'm just realizing that it's Sunday. I haven't been writing much. I've been posting less. I am just so full of... feels. Breonna Taylor, George Floyd and all the rest. I have been so angry and tearful and sad. There have been good moments too but behind every happy thought or thing I'm excited about, there is still this thing in the air. This existing in the world as a threat just based on my skin. Imagine knowing that everywhere you go you are seen as evil, less, bad. We live with it but it wears on us. As it would any human being.

I haven't been in any mood to write a poem or story, not even this post truthfully. But I will write and create through these hard feelings as best as I can. But self care is important too. So in the name of self care I have been very quiet. I have been painting, walking, failing at drinking enough water, journaling, praying, pulling back as much as I can. In addition I have been doing a lot of thinking about what is next for me. I am creating a space in my mind that feels like home. I am creating boundaries for myself.

What does that mean though, boundaries? For me, it is me being much more selective about everything and everyone. Being selective about where and how I spend my time. What I say yes to and to what and whom I say no. Breaking out of a life of trying to please so many people has been quite a journey. It has been my personal prison. There have been so many places I held myself captive in bad situations because someone else was going to be hurt by me honoring myself or removing myself from situations where I was being disrespected. Today my desire for freedom is so great that I cannot stay in harmful situations. At my therapist's suggestion, I am doing work these days around PTSD. I do see where I have repeated some harmful patterns and pulled some of the same people to me who I say I want to be free from. The work has been interesting. Not painless but I do appreciate the journey.

That's mostly what's on my mind these days. Working on my life, taking moments in day to breathe deeply, taking time to be quiet, loving myself more. I hope you are loving yourselves too.