Wednesday, January 6, 2016

It's 4:08 pm and I am at home writing. I am in a production coming up called Unsung Sheroes. I'm honoring V Kali. So I'm working on that piece. I was anyway. Now I'm preparing to leave for a meeting with Center Theatre Group an acting group I'm working with until February. I'm posting in this blog today because I haven't in some time. And with the new year I'm trying to be more consistent with it. I haven't really set New Year goals, not really. I do plan to be more active in my life. It seems like I'm floating right now. Floating from project to project and not really excited about any of them. I mean, I'm excited, but not really lit up. I'm not on fire happy. I want to be. I'm not though. The good news is that I'm not depressed either. I'm just here. Here is a blessing though, because I've been there (if you know what I mean) and there sucked. I'm not in a sucky place. I'm here. I have enough to keep me busy which is good. The fiction class I'm teaching for CLI at USC starts again on Monday and I'm looking forward to that. That's my favorite job right now. Anyway, I'm going on and on. Basically I'm cool right now. I'm healthy, my son is healthy and happy and my family and friends are happy and healthy. I'm blessed.

I've been thinking a lot about how blessed I am since Monday, well I often think about how blessed I am but Monday I taught a poetry lesson based on Tammy Vatai's poem called Stars. Stars is about how Tammy grew up with her three siblings and mother living in a car. They told stories and loved each other and stuck together. The story is told in a very hopeful and positive tone despite the things they went through. I left thinking a lot about that. I want a bigger place for Uraeus and me but the place I have is beautiful and artistic and clean and enough for us. It certainly is not a car. We are safe and eat every day. We talk and laugh. We watch television. I was worried the other day about how the cable was going to get paid. Cable. Cable? When I compare the luxury of cable to living in a car I know I'm tripping. And the cable got paid. The cable keeps getting paid. The rent keeps getting paid. Food stays in the refrigerator and cabinets. I forget sometimes how blessed I am.

Monday, December 28, 2015

I took a little break from posting in this blog but I'll be back soon. Soon soon.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

On Saturday, November 14 my son turned 18 years old. I am so proud of him and super happy I got to share the day with him.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

I woke up in prayer and meditation and thanksgiving. I'm getting ready to go to D Knowledge's funeral. I can only imagine what his parents are going through today. My prayers and deep thoughts are with them.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Sometimes I have to turn all the lights on and pull out a canvas and just start painting. The colors don't matter. The canvas matters. My fingers holding the brush matters. Art therapy matters.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I am reviewing my stories from Women in the Village to be published March 2016. I've been working on this collection for a long time and finally found a publishing home for it. Still Waters Press. Also I'm getting poems together for the chapbook to be released late December / early January.

Monday, November 2, 2015

2:25 pm. Home.

Last night Gina and I went to a Say Her Name even hosted by Kimberle Crenshaw, Eve Ensler and Thandie Newton. It was a heavy evening. Say Her Name is about telling the stories and saying the names of black women who have been the victims of police brutality. The media would have us believe that it's only happening to the men but no, we are being brutalized and killed in alarming rates as well. The conversation got so heavy at one point while Kimberle was trying to get a video working for us to see I, along with many others, were hoping the video wouldn't work.. As spirit would have it, the video did not work. The event was important and heavy and necessary. I'm glad I went. There is another Say Her Name event in New York on December 5 and Eve asked us (Gina, Aja and I) to come out and perform. I'm looking forward to it.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

12:17 pm. A beautiful Sunday afternoon. I am thankful for waking up this morning. I am sending love, peace and prayers for the family of Derrick "D Knowledge" Gilbert who passed away this morning at the age of forty-five. May D rest in peace. I am glad I got to see him again before he passed. Life is so precious. I know this.

I am also thankful for my aunt Janice visiting with Uraeus and me yesterday. We had a good time reconnecting. Talking, laughing, sharing stories and smiles.

Today I am going to see Thandie Newton, Zoe Kravitz and Eve Ensler in a play called Say Her Name about black women who are abused and killed in police brutality. Gina Loring and I are going together and I expect we will enjoy each others company catching up.

Uraeus is busy with homework. I'm really proud of how he is handling his college classes.

Again, this is a beautiful Sunday and I have a ton of papers to grade and perhaps I'll get to some of them today. Whatever I do, I plan to make it a good day. A nap first before anything because I didn't sleep well last night. But the goal is a good day nonetheless.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

I am thankful for this beautiful day
spent well with my son
healthy and happy
I am thankful for easy conversations
for love and peace and ease
I am thankful for being thankful
and loved
yes loved

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

It's 10:04 am and I am at school. As usual I am early for my class. Instead of going into the office to grade papers and read I chose to go for a quick walk around the perimeter of the school. Get some exercise in before class. I feel good. I plan to walk more during lunch after my second class.

Wednesday is my long day. After school I go to work with the Center Theatre Group at The World Stage then I usually stay for the poetry after.

I slept so well last night and woke up feeling really good. Uraeus is at school today too. I pray we are both safe and under God's protection while we are out and that we get in safely. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

It's 8:31 and I am home with Uraeus. I am thankful for us waking up and seeing this beautiful new day. God is good. I feel good. On my way to a meeting and then to doctor. Praying that God will order my voice and my steps today.

2:30 pm. I am in my car in front of my doctor's office. I just left the UPS store shipping off a painting I sold. I didn't want to go all the way home so I came straight here. My appointment isn't until 4:30 but I have some writing, reading and studying to do. I won't be bored. Plus I believe she will see me a bit early if I check in early. Also it gives me time to journal and release words and thoughts that can build up in my head if I don't let them out.

6:40 pm. I am home. Thankful for another day. Thankful for a good meeting today and seeing my doctor. She was concerned, as am I, that the depression and anxiety is lasting as long as it is and is as heavy as it is. "You're too sad." She said. And I agree. I have been having very low energy and low thoughts for too long. Low and scary. "These are not my thoughts, this isn't me." I told her. And she agreed. "The depression is taking over." She said. We had a good conversation and in the end I agreed to a new medication to lift the depression. I don't really want to be on one more pill but I need something to lift this. Medication is in addition to my regular regiment of prayer, meditation, self love (what I can muster), art therapy and exercise. I'm working on me and God ain't through with me yet. Smile. This is me loving myself. This is me being honest with myself and you. I'm starting off on a very low dosage but I'll keep posting to show progress. Prayerfully progress.

7:35 pm. Watching the news and I see in Columbia, South Carolina a sixteen year old black girl was pulled out of her desk in class and slammed to the ground by a white cop. I don't know what she did and I don't care. The video is heartbreaking and nothing she could have done could have warranted that. Talk about excessive force! What is the message here? She was arrested for disturbing the school. According to another student, that officer is known as Officer Slam around the school because he slams people. This is horrifying! Also another student was arrested for disturbing the school for standing in defense of the girl who was slammed. The lead sheriff is doing an investigation and said he will have his review in by tomorrow.

This is the world we are living in. I have to believe there is more good in the world than bad. I have to. This is where the sadness comes from. It is hard to watch news like this and not cry for our babies. For our world. For me. For you.

Monday, October 26, 2015

It's 11:20 am and I am at home. I am playing a character in Sage's video today and I'm honored to be a part of the project. I teach my fiction class tonight after the shoot. I do enjoy that class.

I'm feeling anxious again. Thankfully I see my doctor tomorrow. I have things to tell her. I keep thinking about it. I don't want to but I do. Like these aren't even my thoughts. But they come.

I'm gonna be alright
I'm gonna be alright
I'm alright right now
I'm alright right now

I am thankful for this day
For waking up and seeing my son wake up
I am thankful for food and shelter
For love in my life
I am thankful

4:38 pm and I am at USC. I'm sitting in the car right now getting my thoughts together. I'm early as usual. I'm just coming from the video shoot that went very well by the way. I love that I have so many artistic friends producing such beautiful work.

9:38 pm, home from class. Class went well. I really love that class. I wish I had more of them during the week. I have an early meeting tomorrow and it may be a long one also I see my doctor tomorrow evening. I'm looking forward to seeing her because I have some things to tell her. I anticipate a good nights rest as Uraeus and I home safely together. I am about to turn in now. Good night all.