Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Good afternoon everyone! It's 2:51 pm and I am at home painting. Also, I'm about to start cleaning out my ride because I'm driving with my sisterfriends to the Jill Scott concert! Yep! They surprised me with a ticket! Yay for friends because a concert is really not in the budget right now.

Also, I told you I was having an art sale. Go on my Facebook page and check out the art and the video I posted. I hope you likey!

Gotta go. Have an amazing day. Live your life like it's golden. Yep!
Hello everyone. It's 12:50 am and I am at home. Got here about twenty minutes ago from a poetry reading in Redondo Beach. It was a nice event. My first time there. It's good to see the poetry scene now. I was new on the scene over twenty years ago and it felt sort of like being in a time machine tonight watching it all go down tonight. So much the same. New faces of course.

I had a good day yesterday. I posted some art for sale and am selling my new book even though it doesn't come out until next month. Hey, whatever.

I have a lot to do tomorrow (well it's tomorrow already huh?) so I better log off.

Take care.

Monday, August 14, 2017

It's 7:06pm and I'm home. Had a good day with my client today. I usually have a good day with him though. I am inspired by him. I mean, 97. 97! And healthy and active and teaching other seniors. God is good.

I went to my writing park but didn't get any writing done. That's ok because I got some good ideas and am happy about executing them starting first thing tomorrow. Well not first thing. I'm going hiking tomorrow. Though it may be more walking then hiking. I'm not feeling the hills right now. I may just do a few times around the walking area and come home and work. Whatever I do I plan to workout tomorrow.

I'm feeling good. Much much better than I was feeling the past few days. Good news. I don't have much to say. I haven't had much to say recently. Notice that? Whatever.

Oh, I'm featured at an event on Thursday. Gotta do some writing because I don't have a piece about the Nazi march in VA and I want my set to say something about it. We will see what comes out.

Maybe I'll post later. Love y'all.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Good afternoon. It's 12:59pm and I am at home. I'm feeling better today. I got some good rest last night. Didn't get to sleep until late but when I did go I was out. I'm heading out to Long Beach in a little while with Uraeus. My mother is at the house alone and we will be there to keep her company until my sister and her family get back.

I'm concerned about what's going on in the world. Last night a group of white racists gathered with torches and marched in Charlottesville. This is 2017. 2017! A car, driven by a white man plowed into a crowd and killed someone and injured others. I don't know how many. It's so serious out here. It is hard enough living as a person of color in America and every day it is more and more challenging. Traci Blackmon asked "How can we be unarmed when the weapon they fear is our blackness?" Such a great question.

So, y'all pray. Y'all march. Y'all fight. Let's do what we have to do to keep surviving.

Friday, August 11, 2017

I had a powerful conversation with Uraeus today. Today was a rough one for me. This depressive episode ain't no joke. Uraeus and I spoke about mental health and happiness and sadness and life and hanging in there and it was really powerful. We cried, well I did anyway, and laughed. I loved him so much. Love how sensitive and caring he is. How he relates to others. How he lives. So proud of the man he is.
I think about it everyday.
Every day.
I won't do it.
I won't do it.
I won't.
I do have a plan though.
I do.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

9:35pm. At home now. I went to work today and had a pretty easy time. Work sometimes is a blessing. My clients are awesome people. My youngest client is 97. Super smart man. I love talking to him and listening to his political ideas.

I'm feeling a little tired. Hopefully I'll get some good sleep tonight. I just got off the phone with my cousin in Texas and it was a joy talking to him. We recently reconnected and we picked up like nothing was ever lost. We knew each other but weren't close as children. Some of that is because he and his family lived in Texas and we were in Cali. So the only times I saw him was when they drove out here to visit. He spent some time out here when he was grown but we still didn't connect. As it turns out we knew some of the same people. Life is funny. We were in different places at the time and he didn't reach out. I do understand. Glad we are in each other's lives now. I finally got to meet his wife and daughter last year when WomanPreach had an event in Texas. Good times. That was such a great day. He jokingly asked me not to mention his name on my blog. He said he was kidding but there is probably a part of him that was serious so I won't mention his name. He knows who he is. Anyway we were talking tonight and lifting each other up. We need it. And from each other. It felt good being able to share my feelings with someone in my family and not have to censor them. Often I feel that my family, especially my immediate family can only deal with the happy me. When I'm all cheery and telling jokes. It seems hard on them when I have something deep to share. So I don't. I keep it to myself or tell my therapist or a friend. I understand that though. I do. It can be hard to hear that a loved one is dealing with something challenging and maybe they feel helpless. I don't know. I just try not to bring my heaviness around them.

Well, I'm off tomorrow but I have some work to do from home so I'll be busy with that for most of the morning. I'm going to try to get up early and get started so that I can have my evening free. Free to do what I don't now. I have no plans but I want it free to do whatever comes to me. Maybe I won't do anything. Maybe I'll type in this blog all night long. Whatever I want to do.

In other news, my friends and bought me a ticket to go with them to see Jill Scott next Wednesday! Yay Jill! Yay friends! See, folks love me. They do. I'm looking forward to having a good time out with them.

As for me tonight I'm about to pack it in and get some sleep. Hopefully. Uraeus is fine and we are chillin'. Hope you're chillin' too.

Jaha

It's 12:16 and I am at home. I got home late and didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up late this morning. I have been walking / hiking on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a friend at the park at 6:30am. I haven't been very consistent because 6:30 is a bit early for me. I planned to go this morning but when I woke up it was already 6:30 and I would be too late. I missed it. I'm sure he thinks I'm flaking because I missed Tuesday as well. Oh well.

I went to the Stage last night. V and Myshell rode with me. When we got there V got out of the car to set up but Myshell and I stayed in the car and talked. We had a good conversation and we talked so much we missed half of the show. I needed the conversation though.

I know I'm skipping around a lot but y'all know how crazy I run this blog. Transition statements for what? After I realized I missed my walk with Isaac this morning I went back to sleep. As I said before I didn't get much of it last night. I woke up pretty late. Uraeus was up early cooking so that woke me up for a minute. Then went back to sleep. The heaviness was there when I woke up. I have so much to do. When I don't teach summer school then summers are usually hard for me. Really hard financially. This summer is no different. I wasn't offered a summer position this year so I only had my local gigs and my in home care business as income. Those two never cover all of my needs around here so things are slow and backed up. Thankfully my rent is not due until the middle of the month. The 15th. So I have a few more days to come up with the rest of what I need. I pray I have it. If not, I pray my landlord is cool. He usually is because there are some months I pay rent three months in advance so when I need a break here and there he does give it to me. I just don't like being late. What else was I saying? Oh, the heaviness. Well it's there. Part of it is due to the depression, mostly I think due to me not being on meds for so long and some due to me worrying about my rent. I hate not paying bills. Anyway, I'm managing the best I know how. Myshell said something last night in our conversation about how she can tell when I'm on my meds. She said that it seems like I'm not all the way there like I'm so "subdued." I think she's right. That's how I feel. Subdued. Not a word I use but accurate. I feel doped up. I think that's one reason I go off of them from time to time. I need to feel more myself. I do notice that things are funnier and I laugh more when I'm not on meds. The down side is that I'm sad more often too. I feel everything. The good and the bad. The meds help bring things to an even keel.

Thankfully I don't have to see my client until 2:00 today. I really love working in the afternoons. I try to schedule all of my appointments around that time. It is also good for when Uraeus is in school because I am able to give him rides to school. I know he's grown and everything but I still try to keep him off the bus as much as I can.

Ok, I'm just babbling now. I'm going to check out but I'll post again later. Have a great day y'all. Love yourselves.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Uraeus makes me laugh.
It's 3:30 pm on a Wednesday and I am at home. Uraeus is here. I'm taking him to one of his favorite chill spots later. The bookstore in The Grove. He usually walks but he's not ready and the doctor is not ready for him to push himself just yet. I'm really looking forward to his visit early next month with his cardiologist. Anyway, that's what's up with him. Me, I'm not doing so well today. I feel heavy and low and I've been off of my meds too long. I figured this was going to happen but I thought I could push it away. I can't. I have no refills and don't see my doctor until the 23 which is a couple of weeks away. I have to go in before then because I won't be able to make it. This post is a mess. Whatever. We will deal together.

I woke up late and feeling hopeless. That's how my depression episodes begin. With that feeling. I know the scriptures. I know the prayers. I know God is there. Please don't tell me that. I know. I just feel heavy. Chill. The clouds are here and I have to ride this one out. They will blow away. That's the prayer anyway. I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I just logged on to get my fingers moving. Moving fingers help. They do. Expressing myself helps. It does. Whatever I'm expessing. Expressing myself here on this blog helps a lot (instead of Facebook) because I can get it out without folks commenting. I don't wanna hear it. I just wanna say it. Folks comment here too but not as often. This place is like my private getaway where I can express away.

I have been in the same clothes for a week. I haven't showered. It's too hard. Showering is hard work when I'm feeling like this. I don't know why. But it is. I brush my teeth every day so that's good. My car is mad dirty and I need to clean it today because I'm picking folks up to go to The World Stage tonight. If I go. I need to go. Getting out would be good for me. I don't wanna do anything. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I want someone to see the doctor for me and bring my meds to me. I'm not sleeping well. I never sleep well without the pills. Never.

I need another job. I physically don't know if I can handle another job. I don't really need another job as much as I need to get paid more from the jobs I have. Every single dime I have goes just to keep living. For the rent. For gas. For food. EVERY dime.

Uraeus is getting ready now. Taking him to the bookstore is going to force me to at least get outside. I might even go to the park, my writing park, and try to write before I come home. Maybe I won't achieve any real writing. Maybe I will just scroll Facebook on my phone but that's better than sitting here on my couch feeling down. Get up, girl! Get up.

I don't feel like this post anymore. I'll be ok. I'm just...dumpy right now. But I'll be cool. Take care of yourselves.

Jaha

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

I don't always close my eyes. Don't always speak words. It's more a poem, a mumble, sing song thing this prayer. My prayer. My words to a listening God. God keeps on being God. My moans to a moving God. I don't always bend my knees. Rarely. I am rarely on bended knee. But God knows. Don't always clasp my hands. This is my prayer. My groans to a God who knows how thankful I am.

Dear Jaha, sometimes the answer is just to breathe. You don't have to have all the answers right now. You don't have to know how life will work out. The moment is the blessing. You don't have to have all the money. All the health. All the knowledge. Sometimes you will hurt. And sometimes the perfect parking space will appear. Sometimes your favorite song will play. You never know for sure about the times.