Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas recap

Hello all. 2:09pm. At work. I had a relaxing and easy Christmas evening with family and friends. Was glad for the peace of mind because I had a breakdown Christmas eve. I could feel and was determined it wouldn't last long. I was happy, hyper and anxious the day before that and the measure of my pendulum to the right is the measure to the left it seems. I was going into a store and just became overwhelmed with ugh. I pulled it together and took care of what I needed to do in the store. When I got in my car I lost it. The car seems to be my favorite lose it place. Tears uncontrollable. I told myself out loud that this was just an episode and wouldn't last long. Gave myself the best pep talk I could, prayed and drove home. I try as best as I can not to bring my ugh into our home because it's not something I know how to explain. I got it together. Was kind to Love and to myself. I grabbed my favorite blanket and numbed myself with iPad Scrabble and cable.

I was still feeling the residual blah from the night before when I woke up but that...that funk was gone. You know? I played fake it til you make it til I made it and had a wonderful time and meal on a boat with Love's family then at my mom's house with mine. God is good.

This is totally switching topics but whatever. This morning when I woke up, I don't know why but I was thinking about a woman. I don't know her but she is a family friend of someone I knew. This someone I knew and I were at a wedding a few years ago and this woman was there. She sat in the first five rows of the church and we were about twenty rows behind her on the opposite isle. She cried throughout the wedding and I was sad to learn that her teenaged daughter had died in a car accident a year before. I understood, as best as someone who has not been in that situation can understand, her tears. When a child dies, I know that it is not just that child that dies but a lifetime of dreams and what ifs die too. I can only imagine her pain as she sat there so close to the front of the church and watched a young woman march down the isle and make promises to her new husband.

I don't know why that woman was in my thoughts this morning and now. I pray that she has some ease in her heart. I hope she had dinner last night with friends and family. Hope she has found some space, some corner where she can go to and be understood and heard and loved. I wish for her the words to say to herself when she is in her car and the ugh lands on her like rocks. Maybe I will never see that woman again. Still though, I wish her peace.

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