Free write

Today's breakdown doesn't define me. As hard as it was. The feelings of hopelessness and extreme anger and frustration and sadness and hopelessness again. That was the moment. I am bigger than this. Maybe I will always have these ups and downs. I will work like a dog to not stay stuck in this mess. I am thankful for feeling at all, even this pain. I am thankful that I can force out these words. I was angry even at this blog for some reason today and could have just deleted the whole thing in my anger. So I didn't log on until late in the evening. That and I couldn't write anyway. I couldn't do anything easily. Not even breathe. That's what this is. I am trying to give up saying that I can't explain it and just do the best I can. This is the sucky part about this shit called bipolar. These floaty fake ups and funky fake downs. It's all fake. Nothing is so much that I can really fly and nothing is so much I should kill myself. But this is the life, remembering to remember that.