Saturday, August 3, 2013

A poem a day for 2013 - day 214 - More

Sadly and thankfully I have lost a friend
I will write about this until whispers no longer encroach my quiet
Until her words stop coming back to me and pricking my stomach like that
It my fault
I listened for years as she told me intimate and painfully private stories
Of her other friends
Business of theirs I should have never known
It was silly of me to think my stories would be safe in her lap
I am annoyed with myself for letting so much slide
The way she came into my circle and befriended my folks
And was messy in each relationship
I have known her over sixteen years 
And I never thought I would never ever want to see her face again
But I don't
This is not a pause
This is a forever
I have never been the kind of woman who had to search her lover's pockets
I always knew what I should know about someone in my life would be revealed to me
And it always has been
Same with sister friends 
When I was supposed to know how toxic she was for me then I would know
Now I know
I forgive fast for myself
Maybe too fast
Not for my family though
When my blood is not safe in your mouth 
I am slower at forgiving
I get there though
But this is not about forgiving
This is about knowing that none of this 
Was ever about me
As a lonely human this is who she is
A woman who is terribly afraid of being alone
Who uses people's business as currency
The old me would have swept my feelings about this under the rug
Pretended to be bigger than it
I am a newer me
I am a me tired of sweeping
Tired of stories building in my stomach
If you didn't want to be the mean girl in my story
You shouldn't have been the mean girl in my story
Maybe this is the worst poem I have ever written
Maybe I am more concerned about the words, thoughts and feelings out of me than in
My shit stinks too
I don't hide that
I am not the victim in this
I don't pretend to be
I am just hurt
Hurt by the memory of sharing space and coffee and tea and time and secrets
Like friends do
I am hurt because during a really hard part of my life 
I took a fucked up situation and made the sweetest lemonade I could
I am hurt because I shared those stories with her
Only to hear them come back to me from someone else
Teased and twisted
Jabs at my mommy hood, my life
Been thinking about conversations that ended in laughter and hugs
To find out that as soon as my back was turned 
She told another 
And the laughter and hugs were lies
Instead there was anger and despise 
I must promise myself not to reread this
The poet in me will shudder
It bothers me to hear how I was never there for her
How she was always there for me
I guess it's true
The person keeping score always wins
I didn't call, she said
The day she lost her house, I didn't call
I don't remember truthfully
Perhaps she is right
I would have taken her call though
Had she wanted to talk
So much I didn't do
According to what I hear
We talked six times a day
That sounds like a lot when I look at it
But we made each other laugh
We lifted each other up
I thought
There was time
There was space
I keep telling myself
For her to tell me about myself
Tell me
It's ok though
Because this will pass
I didn't call, she complained
On the day she moved in with her sister
My bad, I guess
The depression gets me sometimes
I go through periods when choosing to stay here on this planet
Is the full time job I have