A poem a day for 2013 - day 214 - More

Sadly and thankfully I have lost a friend

I will write about this until whispers no longer encroach my quiet

Until her words stop coming back to me and pricking my stomach like that

It my fault

I listened for years as she told me intimate and painfully private stories

Of her other friends

Business of theirs I should have never known

It was silly of me to think my stories would be safe in her lap

I am annoyed with myself for letting so much slide

The way she came into my circle and befriended my folks

And was messy in each relationship

I have known her over sixteen years 

And I never thought I would never ever want to see her face again

But I don't

This is not a pause

This is a forever

I have never been the kind of woman who had to search her lover's pockets

I always knew what I should know about someone in my life would be revealed to me

And it always has been

Same with sister friends 

When I was supposed to know how toxic she was for me then I would know

Now I know

I forgive fast for myself

Maybe too fast

Not for my family though

When my blood is not safe in your mouth 

I am slower at forgiving

I get there though

But this is not about forgiving

This is about knowing that none of this 

Was ever about me

As a lonely human this is who she is

A woman who is terribly afraid of being alone

Who uses people's business as currency

The old me would have swept my feelings about this under the rug

Pretended to be bigger than it

I am a newer me

I am a me tired of sweeping

Tired of stories building in my stomach

If you didn't want to be the mean girl in my story

You shouldn't have been the mean girl in my story

Maybe this is the worst poem I have ever written

Maybe I am more concerned about the words, thoughts and feelings out of me than in

My shit stinks too

I don't hide that

I am not the victim in this

I don't pretend to be

I am just hurt

Hurt by the memory of sharing space and coffee and tea and time and secrets

Like friends do

I am hurt because during a really hard part of my life 

I took a fucked up situation and made the sweetest lemonade I could

I am hurt because I shared those stories with her

Only to hear them come back to me from someone else

Teased and twisted

Jabs at my mommy hood, my life

Been thinking about conversations that ended in laughter and hugs

To find out that as soon as my back was turned 

She told another 

And the laughter and hugs were lies

Instead there was anger and despise 

I must promise myself not to reread this

The poet in me will shudder

It bothers me to hear how I was never there for her

How she was always there for me

I guess it's true

The person keeping score always wins

Always

I didn't call, she said

The day she lost her house, I didn't call

I don't remember truthfully

Perhaps she is right

I would have taken her call though

Had she wanted to talk

So much I didn't do

According to what I hear

We talked six times a day

That sounds like a lot when I look at it

But we made each other laugh

We lifted each other up

I thought

There was time

There was space

I keep telling myself

For her to tell me about myself

Tell me

Me

It's ok though

Because this will pass

I didn't call, she complained

On the day she moved in with her sister

My bad, I guess

The depression gets me sometimes

I go through periods when choosing to stay here on this planet

Is the full time job I have