Thursday, August 17, 2017

I'm looking forward to my feature tonight at The Spot in Inglewood!
I saw Jill Scott last night at the Hollywood Bowl with some friends and had a really good time. I think I smiled throughout the concert. She was so good. So good!

Back on the grind today. Selling books and art. Thankful for money that shows up in my PayPal account from folks wanting to purchase things from me. God is good.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Good afternoon everyone! It's 2:51 pm and I am at home painting. Also, I'm about to start cleaning out my ride because I'm driving with my sisterfriends to the Jill Scott concert! Yep! They surprised me with a ticket! Yay for friends because a concert is really not in the budget right now.

Also, I told you I was having an art sale. Go on my Facebook page and check out the art and the video I posted. I hope you likey!

Gotta go. Have an amazing day. Live your life like it's golden. Yep!
Hello everyone. It's 12:50 am and I am at home. Got here about twenty minutes ago from a poetry reading in Redondo Beach. It was a nice event. My first time there. It's good to see the poetry scene now. I was new on the scene over twenty years ago and it felt sort of like being in a time machine tonight watching it all go down tonight. So much the same. New faces of course.

I had a good day yesterday. I posted some art for sale and am selling my new book even though it doesn't come out until next month. Hey, whatever.

I have a lot to do tomorrow (well it's tomorrow already huh?) so I better log off.

Take care.

Monday, August 14, 2017

It's 7:06pm and I'm home. Had a good day with my client today. I usually have a good day with him though. I am inspired by him. I mean, 97. 97! And healthy and active and teaching other seniors. God is good.

I went to my writing park but didn't get any writing done. That's ok because I got some good ideas and am happy about executing them starting first thing tomorrow. Well not first thing. I'm going hiking tomorrow. Though it may be more walking then hiking. I'm not feeling the hills right now. I may just do a few times around the walking area and come home and work. Whatever I do I plan to workout tomorrow.

I'm feeling good. Much much better than I was feeling the past few days. Good news. I don't have much to say. I haven't had much to say recently. Notice that? Whatever.

Oh, I'm featured at an event on Thursday. Gotta do some writing because I don't have a piece about the Nazi march in VA and I want my set to say something about it. We will see what comes out.

Maybe I'll post later. Love y'all.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Good afternoon. It's 12:59pm and I am at home. I'm feeling better today. I got some good rest last night. Didn't get to sleep until late but when I did go I was out. I'm heading out to Long Beach in a little while with Uraeus. My mother is at the house alone and we will be there to keep her company until my sister and her family get back.

I'm concerned about what's going on in the world. Last night a group of white racists gathered with torches and marched in Charlottesville. This is 2017. 2017! A car, driven by a white man plowed into a crowd and killed someone and injured others. I don't know how many. It's so serious out here. It is hard enough living as a person of color in America and every day it is more and more challenging. Traci Blackmon asked "How can we be unarmed when the weapon they fear is our blackness?" Such a great question.

So, y'all pray. Y'all march. Y'all fight. Let's do what we have to do to keep surviving.

Friday, August 11, 2017

I had a powerful conversation with Uraeus today. Today was a rough one for me. This depressive episode ain't no joke. Uraeus and I spoke about mental health and happiness and sadness and life and hanging in there and it was really powerful. We cried, well I did anyway, and laughed. I loved him so much. Love how sensitive and caring he is. How he relates to others. How he lives. So proud of the man he is.
I think about it everyday.
Every day.
I won't do it.
I won't do it.
I won't.
I do have a plan though.
I do.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

9:35pm. At home now. I went to work today and had a pretty easy time. Work sometimes is a blessing. My clients are awesome people. My youngest client is 97. Super smart man. I love talking to him and listening to his political ideas.

I'm feeling a little tired. Hopefully I'll get some good sleep tonight. I just got off the phone with my cousin in Texas and it was a joy talking to him. We recently reconnected and we picked up like nothing was ever lost. We knew each other but weren't close as children. Some of that is because he and his family lived in Texas and we were in Cali. So the only times I saw him was when they drove out here to visit. He spent some time out here when he was grown but we still didn't connect. As it turns out we knew some of the same people. Life is funny. We were in different places at the time and he didn't reach out. I do understand. Glad we are in each other's lives now. I finally got to meet his wife and daughter last year when WomanPreach had an event in Texas. Good times. That was such a great day. He jokingly asked me not to mention his name on my blog. He said he was kidding but there is probably a part of him that was serious so I won't mention his name. He knows who he is. Anyway we were talking tonight and lifting each other up. We need it. And from each other. It felt good being able to share my feelings with someone in my family and not have to censor them. Often I feel that my family, especially my immediate family can only deal with the happy me. When I'm all cheery and telling jokes. It seems hard on them when I have something deep to share. So I don't. I keep it to myself or tell my therapist or a friend. I understand that though. I do. It can be hard to hear that a loved one is dealing with something challenging and maybe they feel helpless. I don't know. I just try not to bring my heaviness around them.

Well, I'm off tomorrow but I have some work to do from home so I'll be busy with that for most of the morning. I'm going to try to get up early and get started so that I can have my evening free. Free to do what I don't now. I have no plans but I want it free to do whatever comes to me. Maybe I won't do anything. Maybe I'll type in this blog all night long. Whatever I want to do.

In other news, my friends and bought me a ticket to go with them to see Jill Scott next Wednesday! Yay Jill! Yay friends! See, folks love me. They do. I'm looking forward to having a good time out with them.

As for me tonight I'm about to pack it in and get some sleep. Hopefully. Uraeus is fine and we are chillin'. Hope you're chillin' too.

Jaha

It's 12:16 and I am at home. I got home late and didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up late this morning. I have been walking / hiking on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a friend at the park at 6:30am. I haven't been very consistent because 6:30 is a bit early for me. I planned to go this morning but when I woke up it was already 6:30 and I would be too late. I missed it. I'm sure he thinks I'm flaking because I missed Tuesday as well. Oh well.

I went to the Stage last night. V and Myshell rode with me. When we got there V got out of the car to set up but Myshell and I stayed in the car and talked. We had a good conversation and we talked so much we missed half of the show. I needed the conversation though.

I know I'm skipping around a lot but y'all know how crazy I run this blog. Transition statements for what? After I realized I missed my walk with Isaac this morning I went back to sleep. As I said before I didn't get much of it last night. I woke up pretty late. Uraeus was up early cooking so that woke me up for a minute. Then went back to sleep. The heaviness was there when I woke up. I have so much to do. When I don't teach summer school then summers are usually hard for me. Really hard financially. This summer is no different. I wasn't offered a summer position this year so I only had my local gigs and my in home care business as income. Those two never cover all of my needs around here so things are slow and backed up. Thankfully my rent is not due until the middle of the month. The 15th. So I have a few more days to come up with the rest of what I need. I pray I have it. If not, I pray my landlord is cool. He usually is because there are some months I pay rent three months in advance so when I need a break here and there he does give it to me. I just don't like being late. What else was I saying? Oh, the heaviness. Well it's there. Part of it is due to the depression, mostly I think due to me not being on meds for so long and some due to me worrying about my rent. I hate not paying bills. Anyway, I'm managing the best I know how. Myshell said something last night in our conversation about how she can tell when I'm on my meds. She said that it seems like I'm not all the way there like I'm so "subdued." I think she's right. That's how I feel. Subdued. Not a word I use but accurate. I feel doped up. I think that's one reason I go off of them from time to time. I need to feel more myself. I do notice that things are funnier and I laugh more when I'm not on meds. The down side is that I'm sad more often too. I feel everything. The good and the bad. The meds help bring things to an even keel.

Thankfully I don't have to see my client until 2:00 today. I really love working in the afternoons. I try to schedule all of my appointments around that time. It is also good for when Uraeus is in school because I am able to give him rides to school. I know he's grown and everything but I still try to keep him off the bus as much as I can.

Ok, I'm just babbling now. I'm going to check out but I'll post again later. Have a great day y'all. Love yourselves.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Uraeus makes me laugh.
It's 3:30 pm on a Wednesday and I am at home. Uraeus is here. I'm taking him to one of his favorite chill spots later. The bookstore in The Grove. He usually walks but he's not ready and the doctor is not ready for him to push himself just yet. I'm really looking forward to his visit early next month with his cardiologist. Anyway, that's what's up with him. Me, I'm not doing so well today. I feel heavy and low and I've been off of my meds too long. I figured this was going to happen but I thought I could push it away. I can't. I have no refills and don't see my doctor until the 23 which is a couple of weeks away. I have to go in before then because I won't be able to make it. This post is a mess. Whatever. We will deal together.

I woke up late and feeling hopeless. That's how my depression episodes begin. With that feeling. I know the scriptures. I know the prayers. I know God is there. Please don't tell me that. I know. I just feel heavy. Chill. The clouds are here and I have to ride this one out. They will blow away. That's the prayer anyway. I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I just logged on to get my fingers moving. Moving fingers help. They do. Expressing myself helps. It does. Whatever I'm expessing. Expressing myself here on this blog helps a lot (instead of Facebook) because I can get it out without folks commenting. I don't wanna hear it. I just wanna say it. Folks comment here too but not as often. This place is like my private getaway where I can express away.

I have been in the same clothes for a week. I haven't showered. It's too hard. Showering is hard work when I'm feeling like this. I don't know why. But it is. I brush my teeth every day so that's good. My car is mad dirty and I need to clean it today because I'm picking folks up to go to The World Stage tonight. If I go. I need to go. Getting out would be good for me. I don't wanna do anything. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I want someone to see the doctor for me and bring my meds to me. I'm not sleeping well. I never sleep well without the pills. Never.

I need another job. I physically don't know if I can handle another job. I don't really need another job as much as I need to get paid more from the jobs I have. Every single dime I have goes just to keep living. For the rent. For gas. For food. EVERY dime.

Uraeus is getting ready now. Taking him to the bookstore is going to force me to at least get outside. I might even go to the park, my writing park, and try to write before I come home. Maybe I won't achieve any real writing. Maybe I will just scroll Facebook on my phone but that's better than sitting here on my couch feeling down. Get up, girl! Get up.

I don't feel like this post anymore. I'll be ok. I'm just...dumpy right now. But I'll be cool. Take care of yourselves.

Jaha

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

I don't always close my eyes. Don't always speak words. It's more a poem, a mumble, sing song thing this prayer. My prayer. My words to a listening God. God keeps on being God. My moans to a moving God. I don't always bend my knees. Rarely. I am rarely on bended knee. But God knows. Don't always clasp my hands. This is my prayer. My groans to a God who knows how thankful I am.

Dear Jaha, sometimes the answer is just to breathe. You don't have to have all the answers right now. You don't have to know how life will work out. The moment is the blessing. You don't have to have all the money. All the health. All the knowledge. Sometimes you will hurt. And sometimes the perfect parking space will appear. Sometimes your favorite song will play. You never know for sure about the times.

I wanna go somewhere really pretty and take pictures of things.
I got an answer. Not the one I wanted but God did answer my prayers and I am at peace.

I like to bother my son by saying really corny things. Today I came home, gave him thumbs up and told him he was thumbs up in my book. He didn't respond. I don't know why.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Happy Sunday all. Yes I started to get up and go to Agape this morning. No it didn't happen. Maybe next Sunday. Maybe not. We'll see. I did go to the park again today though. I didn't stay long. I was hoping I would get some writing done but I mostly just scrolled through Facebook and enjoyed the fresh air. Sometimes the words come. Sometimes they don't. My good days outweigh my bad days.

On another note, it's hot in this apartment even with the ac blowing. Not sure if it's the ac or my menopause. These hot flashes ain't a joke. Oh, and here's some news. I'm off my meds until the end of the month. I don't have any refills at the pharmacy and I was late to my appointment when you miss your appointment and they give you refills. So...I have to wait until I see my doctor. Actually I probably don't HAVE to wait. There is probably another appointment I could get with the missed appointment people but I think I'll be ok until the end of the month. It's coming soon. Oh, that will most likely be my last appointment with my doctor. She is retiring in September. I feel some kinda way every time I think about that. She's so great! I hope I get another great one.

Nothing big is going on around here. I'm still just trying to keep the commitment I made to myself to post every day. I don't know if I can or really want to or not. Let's see. Let's also see if I can squeeze a poem out before the day is through. I haven't really been writing lately. Just some stream of consciousness words and stories I post on FB. I've posted some of them here too. Just trying to keep myself exercised. I haven't written anything I have to wrestle with in awhile. You know what I mean? When you work and fight for the perfect line and metaphors. You know. I know you do.

This post is a mess. I know it is. Stay with me though loves. Stay with me. Oh, I saw the funniest meme of FB today. It said "I hate poetry. I'd rather read my divorce papers." Even I thought that was funny and I love poetry. Some poetry.

Anyway, like I said, nothing going on but the rent (hopefully) around here. Uraeus is resting and I am about to dive more into a book I started a couple of days ago written by friends of mine. A married couple I know who wrote a book called INTERNAL BALANCE, Would You Marry You? It's interesting so far. I'm reading it because they wrote it and I love them. I am not looking to get married again. I don't think. Maybe I will feel different about that when I finish the book. The question of would you marry you is really interesting though. I don't know if I would marry me. I am a good person though. I let you know more about the book when I get deeper into it.

Have an amazing evening all. Love and peace.


Saturday, August 5, 2017

Uraeus and I are chillin this Saturday. Woke up late and been reading, on the computer, writing and relaxing since. Nothing to see here. I started to go to the park today to write. My favorite. My writing park. But I didn't. I don't know what changed my mind. Decided to do some stream of consciousness writing here at the apartment. I did. Turned out ok. I work tomorrow with a home health client so I'll get out then. Maybe even get to the park afterwards. There is a piece I want to complete on Jepthatha's daughter (a Bible story) before the WomanPreach event next month. I have it sketched in my head but don't have any of it down yet. I want Valerie to see it before I present it. So I guess I better get to writing.

So that's it. Again, nothing much here. I just wanted to post today. Things are slow and I'm a little worried about it but I pick up the worry and put it down throughout the day. Next month will be better. Praying I can get through this one. Also next month is my birthday month, so there's that. I plan to have a skate party down the street at World on Wheels. Yep. Old school thanna mug.

Peace out y'all. Call ya mama. Hug a tree.
Him. Hymn. Like a song I sang in church. Stained glass windows above my head. Jesus feeding the five thousand with two fish and five loaves. Bow your head with me. He is a secret. A song. A name across my chest. He is arms around my waist and an ear when I need it most. Glory glory. Glory glory. He is my blessing. My basket of apples. I am hungry. I am thirsty. I am weak. I am tired. He is my strength. Protects me from the wind that blows my mind away from peace. He. Him. His. His heart resting on my sleeve. He say his heart is mine too. Glory glory. Glory glory. This is the good news. Glory glory. Like sage all in my lungs. Clean the air. Wipe the tables of all the dust. He is here. Make room. Make room. This space right next to me.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Sing me the song about the old man by the sea. About how he caught fish with his hands and stared at the sun. Tell me the story about the woman and her son. Way she worked to feed him. Keep him clean. Teach him lessons. Until the day was almost done. I remember the ways you love me by the stories that you tell. Recite for me the poem of the girl and her doll. How she named her and curled up her hair and sewed her a new dress. This story and that tale. This song and musing. Run your fingers cross my forehead. Bring me some ice. Massage my dear temples. Then rub on my feet. Tell me a story about you and about me.

Hello everyone. Not posting much today. Just came on because I'm trying to be more consistent. Even when I don't have much to say.

So Uraeus did have an appointment with the doctor today but it was not with his cardiologist which is what I thought. It was with his regular doctor. That's cool. He sees heart doctor next month. Uraeus is doing much better though. Hasn't had a big spell since we went to the emergency the last time. He said he has had seconds worth of irritation but it comes and goes away very quickly. I'm still praying. Always.

Also, I didn't go to my writing park today. That's what I call it. My writing park. It's the park where I do guess what? Right. After we came from the doctor we went to our corners and did what we do. Read, check the computer, YouTube...The cable is off which has proved to be more a blessing because we know we don't NEED it. I couldn't afford it really. Every month I was looking around for the same $150 I was giving the cable company. Oh well, we have plenty of DVDs to watch if we just HAVE to look at something on the TV, which we don't. Neither of us watched it much anyway. It was watching us mostly. One day though. One day. But for now we are some reading and computer folks around here.

And me, well I'm doing all right. I have the same worries I usually have. The rent is never easy. Work picks up next month. Hallelujah. Trying to keep my head above water. Repeating the Good Times theme song to myself. You know. Stuff. Life stuff.

That's it. Maybe more tomorrow. Love y'all. I do.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Uraeus was in the hospital. He had shortness of  breath and his chest felt like someone was sitting on it and he was sweaty. They kept him  two nights. After he got out we had to go back again because he had another episode. Not as big as the one before but enough for us to want to check it out. The doctor said his levels were better than when he went in days before. He sees his cardiologist tomorrow so we will know more then. Thank you all for your prayers. Those of you who knew. Please keep sending us the love.
Be brave enough to live. Enough to swallow the contradictions in your throat. To be cured of your unbeliefs. Dance. Be brave enough to dance. These are just circumstances. These are just thoughts. This is just a dream. Watch and see how brave you are when you free yourself a layer of skin. Look how good God loves you. Look how the sea will hold your body. Way the trees keep your secrets. Look up. Pray to Source inside your soul. To the river of thoughts that flood your space. Your black hands in front your face. Look how the clouds form your name. Listen how the birds sing your morning song. Wake up. Wake up. You are a free woman now. What your freedom cost you now? What would you exchange?

I don't want to wait for the story to come to me. I want to meet it where it is. At the beach. In line at the market. Taking clothes out of the dryer. I like to listen to the lines as they come out a baby's mouth. Come from the man at the liquor store. Homeless woman on the corner. I like to sit in the sun writing in my little journal. The red one. One with the lotus on the cover. All the sounds I hear. The voices in the air. Voices in my head. Dreams from the night before. A story is always there. A song a thought a wish a question. A poem wants to be written. To be pulled from the sky and penned. A scream dares to be interpreted. Paraphrase a blowing leaf. Let's do the work, writers. All this listening to be done. All this noise all around. Waiting to come to life.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Thankful for life. For Uraeus being home. For surprisingly free medication from the Kaiser Pharmacy. For my mother. Sister and her gas card and generosity. My niece making a three pointer in the game today. For love. Friends who check in. Family. Facebook. For poems. The ones that rhyme. The ones that don't. Thankful for thankful today.

I just be in this apartment trying to write poems and paint pictures and be a mother. Trying to keep the rent paid and food up in here. I just be up in here tired of hustling. Be reading and praying when I can get my words together. I be talking to myself and singing songs all off key. What key? Who said something about a key? I be posting stories about being black and a woman and a mother. About being over forty and tired of doing it by myself. About needing to lose some of this weight and make more of this money. I just be up in here all minding my business and sharing some of it with y'all.

A whisper is a prayer. Looking up at the moon is a prayer. A drive down to San Diego. A walk on Venice Beach. A movie with a friend. Prayer. 90's hip hop is a prayer. Sex is a prayer. A deep, bended knee, closed eyes prayer. A good sermon is a prayer. Come on now sing with me. This womanist body is a prayer. All nappy and black and free. Being black in America is a prayer. You know it is. These breasts these legs these black hands and thighs. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. Rearing a black son with locks and brains is a prayer. Bow your head with me. A poem is a prayer. Coming up with the rent every month is a prayer. God won't You help me please? Not taking all of the pills is a prayer. Pills are a prayer. This post is a prayer. Come soon sleep. Come soon. A kiss on the back of my neck is a prayer. Do you know that kind of prayer? Death is a prayer. Life is too. Life is a prayer. A song, way Mahalia Jackson sang a song, is a prayer. Money is a prayer. Even this itch in the middle of my back is a prayer. It's all a prayer. It's all gon be all right. Or it ain't. It's still a prayer. Still a prayer.
Somebody bring me a river. Bring me an ocean, a lake. Some water I can walk into and clean myself and come out only if I want to. Somebody tell me what you know about carrying this kind of weight. Not these hips these thighs this stomach. I'm talking about this skin. This black this woman. Tell me how you feel when you see this body done wrong. Somebody bring me a hole to crawl into. One that's made just for me. Where I can use it when holding my stress and yours too get too ...much for me. Where somebody at? Somebody to grease this scalp and lotion these legs. Come through somebody. Come through. Somebody bring me a pen. I can write down all I want to say so don't nobody forget. Come through somebody. Somebody tall or short, fat or skinny, with freckles or without. Somebody with some get up and get ready. Somebody with some act right about theyself. Come through somebody. See these scars. I been here before. Was a wolf and a bear, a bee and a tree. I put in all types of work. I just want to rest now. Come through somebody. Come hold my hand while I fall asleep.
Today in the park the lady with all the dogs was there. Pushing her sons in the double stroller. Wearing her heels. Like this is a runway. Like this is the Beverly Center. Like her feet are her business. A woman sitting on a blanket with her toddler daughter told her to take her fucking shoes off. Like she couldn't say that a better way. The man threw a football with his son. I think it was his son. They had the same pale skin. The same bow legs. What difference does it make?... Today in the park the woman backing up almost hit the man driving forward. He had to swerve to avoid a wreck. Story of my life I thought. Story of my life. All this swerving I do. All the wrecks I avoided. Ones I been in too. The poet, the comedian, the office manager, the model. All the wrecks. The lessons. Today in the park a flag was waving. I'm all like waving for me? For my people? For the toddler and her fucking shoes? A boy chased a girl. A mother pushed her child on the swing. Today is just a regular Monday. Nothing special about this park except the pine cones are bigger than others. But I need moments like this. Just watching. The dog chase the boy. The baby go down the slide. The breeze hit my cheek. Hear the ladies laugh. This is how I ready for tonight. Tomorrow. For my life.