V. Dream.

Hey everyone! It's 10:34 pm and I am at home. Just got in about twenty minutes ago. I ran into V tonight as I was on my way home. She was headed to the bus stop so I gave her a ride. We went to a couple of stores and it gave me time to spend some good time with her. We ran into a mutual friend at Trader Joes and talked a while in the parking lot. But I'm home now and feeling good. I was telling V tonight that there is something about the sun. Like I will be worried about something at night then when I get up I'm like, what was I worried about that for? Anybody ever do that?

I had a brief but good conversation with Uraeus tonight. Short and easy. I love how he gets it. No particular it just gets it. Gets life. For his age anyway. Actually in some ways beyond his age. I love how I get to be me in his space and he gets to be himself. Freely.

I was considering going hiking with Isaac in the morning but I don't think I'm going to want to get up at 6:30 so I plan to go to the beach instead. I'll leave about 9. That will be better for me. So, good night to you all. I hope you rest well and have sweet dreams.

Oh, about dreams. I had a dream last night, or was it the night before? Anyway, I was in the shoe store trying on heels. Really high heels. I used to wear high heels but I don't anymore. At all. Ever. I found a pair that I liked and I was prancing around in them in the mirror. I know the dream wasn't about me wearing heels again but I think it was more about me reconsidering things that I enjoyed but gave up on. Like love. Like relationships. That comes to mind. I have just closed myself to the idea. I love love though. I love relationships too. I don't think I'm ready to be in one right now but I don't have to be as closed off as I am. I think the thing with me is that I have really good male friends. They pretty much take up the space for relationships. I can talk to them, go out with them, trust them and know that they have me, like I have them. So I just don't look. I've just settled into this space. This home girl space. Everyone is in the friend zone. One of the reasons I'm afraid of relationships is that I've never been in a relationship where I have been comfortable truly revealing the side of me that really gets down sometimes. I don't know how my partner would handle it. So I try as best as I can to be cheery and encouraging and happy. And when I'm not I hide. I always have. It's been my way of protecting my partners. I remember I dated a guy once who said "I don't know what's wrong with you, if you on your period or whatever but you need to get it together." I didn't explain anything to him but that was the last time I felt safe being completely me. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of a relationship. That something was wrong with me. That I should settle with being friends with men. And I did. I have great men in my life. I have great sister friends in my life as well. I feel complete. Sometimes. But there is a part of me that would like to share myself with someone. I'm just not open to sharing part of myself anymore.

I always go into stuff I didn't intend to on this blog. Whatever.

Again. I hope y'all are well and rest well tonight. I plan to.

Kisses,

Jaha