Phone drive. V. Nap.

Good evening everyone! It's 6:27 and I am at home. I hope y'all are well. I went to the phone drive this morning and I had a good time. I sat with friends and we laughed and made calls and ate pizza and performed stories and poetry live for the folks in Facebook world watching. We are raising money because we supply books for LAUSD high schools and also we perform in schools. The program is called The Living Writers Series. Look up Community Literature Initiative I forgot the website, I think it's www.communitylit.org, or something like that. Google is your friend. Use it.

After the phone drive I dropped V Kali off then came home and took a nap. A good one. Then got up forty-five minutes later and took V to her reading at the L.A. book fair. I didn't stay. Mostly because I was still tired and didn't want to look for parking. They had a good crowd though. I do love L.A. We have our drama but I love this city.

After dropping V off I went to McDonald's to get a sweet tea. Judge yourselves. And then headed to my writing park. Once again I didn't get any writing done, mostly scrolled through Facebook on my phone and said a few prayers. Mumbled them with my heart words because God knows I don't always have the words. Like today. So I sat there in my car and watched the children play. The park was so crowded today. But that's cool. I like hearing children laugh and play. The ice cream truck came by and the music from the truck brought back memories from when I was a child. No I didn't get any ice cream. Nosey.

This has nothing to do with the rest of this post but do I ever transition well on this blog, NOPE. Do I even try? Well, sometimes. When I'm feeling cute. Anyway, while at the phone drive this morning Penelope performed one of her stories from her upcoming book. It gave me an idea. I think I'm going to go live on fb performing some of the poems and stories from the book I'm releasing next month (but selling now, heeeeyyyy). I'm also thinking about reading some of my short stories. I don't think I will publish them in a book, which was my original idea but for reasons I didn't. But the stories are bomb. They are all somewhere on this blog. With most of my life. Penelope said I could come to her house and she would film me. Uraeus really could do it but I don't want to bother him because I don't think he would be enthused about it and his boredom would bother me. Yep. So P and I are going to record each other. That's what writer friends who live close to each other are for.

Oh, before I forget, I sold two books and a painting today. Someone from fb is sending me a check that should be here tomorrow for two more books so there's that. Also I work with my other client tomorrow. She's one hundred years old! That's exciting to me. I haven't seen her since she had the big birthday. Looking forward to spending time with her. I need this job tomorrow. We gon get this rent paid yet. I'm also happy today because I sold one of my favorite paintings to someone really special. I've known her many years and she is truly a gift to the planet. I'm so glad my work will be hanging on her wall. Hey Benin! I'll drop it off before I go to work tomorrow.

And now. Uga muga I will be glad when the twenty-third gets here! I see my psychiatrist then and I get my meds. I really need 'em. I've been off of them for a month now and while I like the way I feel off meds, I don't like the way I feel at the same time. Try to understand. I can't explain. When I'm not on meds the depressive episodes are really hard for me to handle. They are hard with them. During the episodes and even when I'm not depressed I think about death A LOT! My own. I'm not homicidal. I'm not going to kill myself, but I have been down enough to implement the plan I have, but I think about just not being here. The thought of Uraeus saves me. Thank God. Sometimes I just feel hopeless. Like, I'm always going to be on this roller coaster. This up and down that my bipolar mind trips off of too hard because it goes too far up and way too far down. Even when I'm well the feelings are there because I know that the clouds will come again. They keep coming. I don't think they ever leave. I just...function. The older I get though, the harder it is to keep going. I'm fine physically but there is a lot going on inside this head.

The other thing I deal with mentally is that I've always had hard episodes. Since I was a child. I had a wonderful pregnancy with Uraeus physically but really suffered with postpartum depression that lasted for years. Through episodes when Uraeus was a baby, as will every episode I have, I thought of suicide. I never attempted because I didn't want to leave Uraeus. Especially didn't want to leave him with that story, those thoughts. So I stayed. I still don't want to leave him but I have to have something else to hold onto to keep me here. My thoughts then were that he needed me. He is almost grown now and will be out living his life and won't need me like before. What then? So what I do now when I get really low is think about what I still want to achieve. I don't know if that will always be enough but I am still here. And for those of you who are wondering, or even judging, it's not about what's wrong or what could be that bad. That's not it. This chemical imbalance just allows this roller coaster to feel like there are too many loop de loops. Just too many. I start getting super down on myself, start trying to solve every problem in one sitting, start not taking care of myself like I should, start not feeling worthy, start feeling hopeless. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know what it is like to not have hope? Please don't come to me with your scriptures. I've read them. Yes I believe in God and have a wonderful relationship with God. If I broke my leg would you question my relationship with God? If I had cancer would you question my relationship with God? If I was blind would you question my relationship with God? Would you blame me for knocking into doors? No. No you wouldn't. That's the thing about mental illness. No one questions the coping skills of someone with a physical disease. No one tells them to snap out of it. But because you can't see mental illness you judge. Go on with that.

So, I didn't intend to go there. Anywhere near there. But whatever. Things just come out when I start typing. I hope someone is helped.

I'm going to jump off now and try to finish a painting I started days ago that is just staring at me.

Love yourselves.