Wednesday, August 9, 2017

It's 3:30 pm on a Wednesday and I am at home. Uraeus is here. I'm taking him to one of his favorite chill spots later. The bookstore in The Grove. He usually walks but he's not ready and the doctor is not ready for him to push himself just yet. I'm really looking forward to his visit early next month with his cardiologist. Anyway, that's what's up with him. Me, I'm not doing so well today. I feel heavy and low and I've been off of my meds too long. I figured this was going to happen but I thought I could push it away. I can't. I have no refills and don't see my doctor until the 23 which is a couple of weeks away. I have to go in before then because I won't be able to make it. This post is a mess. Whatever. We will deal together.

I woke up late and feeling hopeless. That's how my depression episodes begin. With that feeling. I know the scriptures. I know the prayers. I know God is there. Please don't tell me that. I know. I just feel heavy. Chill. The clouds are here and I have to ride this one out. They will blow away. That's the prayer anyway. I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I just logged on to get my fingers moving. Moving fingers help. They do. Expressing myself helps. It does. Whatever I'm expessing. Expressing myself here on this blog helps a lot (instead of Facebook) because I can get it out without folks commenting. I don't wanna hear it. I just wanna say it. Folks comment here too but not as often. This place is like my private getaway where I can express away.

I have been in the same clothes for a week. I haven't showered. It's too hard. Showering is hard work when I'm feeling like this. I don't know why. But it is. I brush my teeth every day so that's good. My car is mad dirty and I need to clean it today because I'm picking folks up to go to The World Stage tonight. If I go. I need to go. Getting out would be good for me. I don't wanna do anything. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I want someone to see the doctor for me and bring my meds to me. I'm not sleeping well. I never sleep well without the pills. Never.

I need another job. I physically don't know if I can handle another job. I don't really need another job as much as I need to get paid more from the jobs I have. Every single dime I have goes just to keep living. For the rent. For gas. For food. EVERY dime.

Uraeus is getting ready now. Taking him to the bookstore is going to force me to at least get outside. I might even go to the park, my writing park, and try to write before I come home. Maybe I won't achieve any real writing. Maybe I will just scroll Facebook on my phone but that's better than sitting here on my couch feeling down. Get up, girl! Get up.

I don't feel like this post anymore. I'll be ok. I'm just...dumpy right now. But I'll be cool. Take care of yourselves.

Jaha

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