I've known Sandra Loraine Coleman for, I don't know, at least twelve years I guess. She is a poet, rather, she is poetry. Tall, big red hair, bright face, freckles, always wearing the earrings you wish you bought first. And yes, you have to say all three names, or you're just not doing it right.
I chose to interview her because she has always inspired me. Every time I see her I see this woman...in motion. Holding her head up through all of it. Through all of the its.
The following are pieces of my conversation with the awesome woman, poet, being, who is Sandra Loraine Coleman.
J* What do you remember first?
SLC* The birth of my daughter. I had two miscarriages before her. I didn't realize what I would have to give up when I had her. You think you're ready, but nothing can prepare you. The moment she came into my arms, that was the happiest day of my life.
When stuff happens, I think, "What would my mama do?" I've seen her not eat so we could eat. I've seen her and my dad work it out so that we could always have at least one of them home with us.
When my dad died, my mom went in her room and cried and beat the bed, hit the wall, and I let her do that. It lasted for about ten minutes. Then she was back to taking care of us.
I've worked really hard on myself since I've become a true woman, a real woman.
---As I listend to Sandra speak, I kept having those moments when I said to myself "get out of my head, getoutofmyhead!"
SLC* I'm a Pices and I'm highly sensitive. I mean, it's like I feel everything.
---Me too, me too me too. I thought. Except I'm a Virgo.
SLC* I spend so much time taking care of others. My daughter (Kameron), my daughter's grandmother, I have a man, I gotta work... Sometimes I feel like I'm "right there at the wall." That's what Alice and I say to each other sometimes. I will call her and tell her, "Pray for me 'cause I'm right there at the wall."
I've been tellin' people, "Leave me alone. I'm tellin' you, leave me alone."
J* I've been saying same thing. People don't believe me though. But ok...
SLC* I've been telling Kami that too. You know how they will try you. I know how it is, I was her age once. She is sixteen and I got to be all up on her. I'm tellin' you girl, keeping tabs.
---Oh my goodness, Kameron is sixteen? I had to pause and remember Kameron when she was a very little girl all up under her mom at all the poetry spots. Sixteen? Where does the time keep going?
SLC* I keep telling her "Your mom is crazy and you need to know it."
J* I say that all the time.
SLC* When she was younger I used to take her to restaurants all the time. I taught her how to hold her fork, use her napkin, order food, all that. One day, she thought she was gon throw a tantrum right there in the restaurant. Girl, I took her to the bathroom and I whooped her ass right there. She never did it again. In fact, if she would even start up again after that I would say, "Do you need to go to the bathroom and talk?" She would say "No, Mommy."
---Sandra and I have had many conversations about abuse she has gone through and I have always respected how she would tell the stories like they were lessons for her. She would say, I take responsibility for this or for that. She never seemed to be a victim of anything. For her they were lessons she had to learn. Hard lessons. But lessons.
SLC* Kameron's dad was abusive. He was tall. Like seven feet and a big man. I couldn't fight him. But, I was there. Even after I left I always thought that I would have a black man on this earth to be angry at. And now I don't.
He died. And it's like God is saying "Ok, now what are you so angry at?"
I can't blame him for everything. Some things are partially my fault and I take responsibility for those things.
I remember the first time it happened, of course I was crying and he was crying. And...and...well you wanna believe it aint gonna happen again but...
But then when you have a baby... Well I just had to see the world through her eyes and I knew I couldn't stay. I thank God so much for sisters who speak out right away. I read that story you wrote about Bridget and I was so proud of her for speaking up right away. I didn't do that. I will say this, if you don't get out, he will do it again. Some women never get out.
But you still gotta take responsibility for stuff you did too. That's what I didn't like about Rhianna's story and Whitney's story.
J* What was that?
SLC* Well, they didn't say nothin' about what they were responsible for. Don't get me wrong. Yes, it was wrong for them to be abused but you can't just say what he did.
I remember the day I left. It was early in the morning and I was sleep and he slapped me. I was like, "Wow, did you slap me?" Then he did it again. I got outa there. He wouldn't give me the car and I walked out that door and I never went back.
I walked Kami to school and I would get tired but we kept walking. I picked her up and carried her in my arms, on my neck, on my back, then I had to put her back down and she had to walk some more. She was tired and I was too. There was a cross on a church by her school and I remember saying, if I could just get to that cross I will be ok."
I walked her to school. Then I walked back to Mailboxes Etc. and I called my mom and I just cried and cried. She aint a fast driver but she got to me like...that! She took me to her house and I didn't go back to him. Well, I went back with the police to get my stuff. But, I found another place.
J* Where do you get the strength from to keep getting up?
SLC* One day I walked by the mirror and I didn't recognize the person in the mirror. I cried for like an hour.
J* What do you mean you didn't recognize her?
SLC* I just didn't look like me. I wasn't lively. I looked depressed. I knew what I used to look like. You can't go through life not knowing who you are.
But like I said, I take responsibility for mine. I know part of my butt whoopings was because I wouldn't shut up. I'm not saying I deserved to get beat or that it was my fault, I'm saying that I should have shut up. But no, me, back then I just had to say what I had to say right then and right there. We need to understand when he is at his limit and back off and not push those buttons, 'cause we know how to push them.
Now, I'm not talking about those relationships where he is so crazy and he's just gonna go off no matter what you do, whether you shut up or not. No, I'm talking about him being at his limit and you already know he's at his limit and you just push anyway. See, our ancestors were more intuitive than we are but we got caught up in all that bra burnin' shit.
But we gotta keep movin' and we gotta stay strong. For our family and for our race. A race is only as strong as its woman. We will always get it done. Hell, there are still women who will lay on their backs to feed their families.
That's what I'm doin'. I'm gon keep movin'. Goin' to work everyday. Goin' to basketball games, hosting shows, poetry... Black woman are the masters at creating illusions. But when the lights go out, the pillows are drenched. That's why we keep movin' during the day, 'cause when we stop... But we can't let it take us down.
I think about something that Steve Harvey said. He said, "You never know when your blessings are gonna come. The blessing might be right around the corner and what if you stop just before the corner. Keep on pushing!"
J* I love you Sandra.
SLC* Love you too, sis.
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