At the heart of the matter

On Wednesday, February 10 I woke up with a tightness in my chest. It felt like a fist behind my heart squeezing. Not my heart. Not my heart. Not my heart. Not today. Not like this. Squeeze. Squeeze. Not. Squeeze. Today. Uraeus.

The pressure lifted and after a few deep breaths, a few deep prayers, I remembered and connected the event to that February 10 last year my father passed away. Heart attack. The pressure in my chest lasted on and off all day.

The next morning, the pain moved from my chest to my back, directly between my shoulders. I told myself that if I was still hurting the next morning then I would go to the hospital. If it is not obvious by now, I don't have health insurance.

At about 3:00 Friday morning, the pain was in my chest again. My left arm was sore and was tingling down to my fingers. Dear God. Dear God. Dear God. Uraeus. Mom. My journals. Uraeus.

Thankfully, the pain dissolved. Uninsured or not, I didn't need a bigger sign. About 7:30 that morning, Therman (my uncle) and I went to the hospital. At that point, the pressure in my chest was on and off. Mostly off. BUT MY BACK! MY BACK!

My blood pressure was dangerously low and the doctor wanted to moniter me throughout the night and do further tests the next morning.

Throughout the night, with pain only in my back I had the headspace to slow my thoughts down and think. I wondered what the tests would show the next morning. I wasn't afraid at that point. I was comforted in knowing that everyone in my life that I love already knows that. I thought about things and people I wasted energy on. Arguments that were not that serious afterall.

The next morning after the stress test, the blood tests, the x-rays, it wasn't my heart. Remember, I am an uninsured so they weren't looking for what the problem was. They just wanted to make sure that they didn't send me home to have a heart attack the next day and then my family sue the day after that.

I know that the pain was a sign to let it go. The worry. The worry over money, bills, family, time, career, friends. The worry over worry. Let it go and love myself.

I am back to walking more. Taking deeper breaths. Recognizing the smallness of what I worried about. Perhaps I did not need a sign so big to learn a lesson so simple. But then again, maybe so.