Me with me part 6

* Another Wednesday.

J* Yep.

* You ok?

J* Yeah, I love Wednesdays.

* Because...

J* Still seeing the therapist on Wednesdays. Sorting out stuff. Looking at my patterns. Laughing at myself. After that I go to the Stage for poetry. I'm open on Wednesdays.

* Open?

J* Feeling everything. One minute I'm laughing the very next I'm crying.

* Crying about what?

J* Pshssshh, who knows? Tonight Michael was reading a poem about the Palestinians and I wanted to just cry and not stop. I didn't, but inside, I did.

* Why? I mean I know things are bad over there but what exactly triggered the (inside) crying?

J* Ummm, I was feeling a little upset because I was supposed to be picking up a check tonight that I found out wasn't ready and I had to wait and when he was reading his piece I thought about how silly I was being. Well, maybe not silly because I do want my money, but I thought about how...light my having to wait another day for a check was compared to being afraid for your life every minute.

* Make sense but you can't compare everything to that because somebody somewhere is afraid for their life and whatever issue you have is still an important issue. You know? Just because it doesn't weigh much to life and death...You understand what I'm trying to say?

J* I do. Just, in the moment I took myself out of myself and got into someone else's world.

* Got it. So, what new opened up in therapy?

J* A breakthrough today.

* Really?

J* Yeah, I won't share everything on this page but I traced back to when I became such a caregiver. You know, everybody's feelings over mine. Me being a sucker for everybody's tears. Everybody's wounds. And not taking care of myself. Not taking care of myself to the point of feeling guilty the few moments I did take care of myself. I'm seeing myself transitioning though. Loving me more. It's one thing to say you love yourself and it's something else to act like it. I can tell I'm loving me now.

* How?

J* Valuing my space. Acknowledging the energy I can and cannot hold. I was always so afraid of being the bad guy. I was a good girl growing up. But I was only good because I was afraid of taking risks and expressing myself. Good girls did what they were told. And so I did. And that cost me.

*Cost what?

J* Cost me my self expression. Cost me my voice. Cost me intimacy in some cases.

* Say more about that. The intimacy.

J* I am such a creative spirit and always have been. I see things differently from a lot of folks. I know that. When I was with people I didn't feel comfortable expressing myself with I pulled back. Silently, but surely. I would listen and smile and be good girl, but I knew that there was only so much I was going to give.

* And now?

J* Still now in some ways. I'm much more vocal now and can express myself much better and am a little less concerned about being the bad guy as much as I'm concerned about happiness, safety, love, peace.

* You feel at peace?

J* For the most part. I get anxious about things I can't control but I keep reminding myself that God sees, knows and can handle everything.

* Does that help? Knowing that?

J* Ummm, it does. Staying connected to Source takes focus. Constant focus. Sometimes I lose it.

* And then?

J* And then I have to remember to remember.

* Get some rest.

J* Love you.

* Big hugs.