Memories

I read a post on Facebook today in a private group of women. One woman, a friend I don't think would have a problem being named here, but I won't because...I won't, mentioned being raped during her sleep by her ex husband. The ring had her not consider it rape. The ring is probably what had him not consider it rape either. This was a major trigger for me. I had an ex who used to try that with me all the time. I was always very angry about it. Upset about feeling violated and upset because it happened repeatedly added insult to it. Like, dude? Then every time we talked about it he somehow became the victim. Huh? No, I don't enjoy waking up to you quickly undressing me and trying to enter me.

Now, this is an ex I used to run into publicly from time to time. We were always cordial with each other but I always had an icky feeling about him. Him doing that to me was something I swept under my emotional rug too many times. Something I never called the foul on as passionately, or whatever the word, as I should have. I think he became more attracted to me getting upset about it then the sex he was trying to get. And no, it was not foreplay. Yes, we did have a sex life. And yes, because of all of this and other issues between us it all got played out. Oh well.

I ran into him one time years after we stopped dating and he kissed me on my cheek. That feeling, that icky feeling came back and caused this quiet shaking in me. I sent him an email about it and thankfully, he never did it again. Reading Unnamed's post today reminded me about how we question ourselves and sweep our feelings out of sight.

I own a love, confidence, knowledge and moxie I didn't have then and I can see why he is a part of my past. But past or not, all the stuff I swept under my rug is still with me until I clean it out. And I am. Ash by ash if I have to.