Rhythm

Tie me into your locks
So I can hear the music in your head
Before the others do
Dance me lightly into your tangle foot groove
We step left foot first then right
Your blood pumps in sync with mine in
3/4 all the time
Me and you
Are different

Sing me softly with heavy vibrato into your lullabies
I will know right then that you love me
Weave me into your butt naked dreams
Where you are begging me please
To take your hand and follow you into forever

Take me
I wanna go

Make me unafraid to love you back
Loose my inhibitions and I will love you lovely
Giving understanding new
To the stress of our very everyday

When we unite
Our worlds will be transformed
Carmex me beautiful on lips
Full of promises kept
I will speak in cadence often
Of my love never ever ending for you boldly

Vaseline me greasy on knees ashy
From rising always after being knocked unjust
I honor the essence of you
Smell you every time I close my eyes
You lie beautifully underneath me

Walk like a king righteous
I will give
Humble, soon, comfortable
Knowing my back is got

Sit shiva facing me
I massage real life into your scalp
Beeswax sticky icky on my palms
Tell me you love me
And I will believe

Night. Park. Trump.

Hello all. It's 11:32 pm and I am home. Finally. Been out for most of the day and got back about forty minutes ago. I need to be in bed. This night is hitting me hard. Nights do that though. Especially lately. I also need to be in bed because I have to get up early to see my doctor in the morning. This will be my last visit with her. She is retiring. I told you already.

I went to the park for a little while this evening. While I was there I listened to Trump's speech. For some reason I also read the comments as they scrolled. I shouldn't have done that. People get on my nerves. No, really.

About to hit the sack y'all.

J

Facebook. Lump. Book.

Good afternoon everyone! It's 1:22 pm and I am at home now. I went live on Facebook a few minutes ago reading a poem from my upcoming book. Uraeus shot me. He was cool about it. I said he would act all bored about it and he didn't. I don't know why I even said it. So to my Facebook friends check out the video please. I'm trying to get these books sold. Especially this month.

I'm on my way to see my client but he hasn't answered the phone. I don't want to head that way until I talk to him.

Oh, in other news, also there is a warning attached to this one, gross alert: There is a lump on my arm pit. That's not really gross by itself but when I think about what could be in the lump like puss or something then it gets gross. It's on the right side near the surface of my pit and is about the size of a half a penny. A friend suggested I get it checked out because you just never know. I don't think it's that serious but I did agree to see a doctor about it. I'll let you know.

Back to my book. It's from a project I did in 2013 where I wrote a poem every day for the year. World Stage Press has published the book. You can get your copy now via PayPal. My account is jahasart@yahoo.com.

Take care of yourselves today.

Jaha

Sprouts. Culver City. Man.

Tonight I went to Sprouts and there was a man standing at the door showing his art to people as they walked in. He was offering to draw a picture of people for a donation. I thought his art looked good. They were like cartoon drawings with beautiful decorations in the background of the picture. It was cool to me. A woman who worked there came out with the security guard for the guard to tell him to leave. After he left she was laughing at him and told the security guard that ...his art looked like a five year old drew it and that he needed to find a better way to get a meal. I didn't say anything to her. Now I wish I had. I did give the man some money. I did say a prayer for him. That was more important to me at the time. He is on my heart now though. So is she. The woman who wanted him gone. If he knew a better way to get a meal he would be doing it. We all would be.

All of us

We are ALL going through something. Yes, all of us. If you aren't now then you will be. Yours isn't bigger than mine. Mine isn't more serious than his. She doesn't owe anyone her story. They don't have to reveal their bruises. Let's just be kind to each other. How much does it cost to be kind?

V. Dream.

Hey everyone! It's 10:34 pm and I am at home. Just got in about twenty minutes ago. I ran into V tonight as I was on my way home. She was headed to the bus stop so I gave her a ride. We went to a couple of stores and it gave me time to spend some good time with her. We ran into a mutual friend at Trader Joes and talked a while in the parking lot. But I'm home now and feeling good. I was telling V tonight that there is something about the sun. Like I will be worried about something at night then when I get up I'm like, what was I worried about that for? Anybody ever do that?

I had a brief but good conversation with Uraeus tonight. Short and easy. I love how he gets it. No particular it just gets it. Gets life. For his age anyway. Actually in some ways beyond his age. I love how I get to be me in his space and he gets to be himself. Freely.

I was considering going hiking with Isaac in the morning but I don't think I'm going to want to get up at 6:30 so I plan to go to the beach instead. I'll leave about 9. That will be better for me. So, good night to you all. I hope you rest well and have sweet dreams.

Oh, about dreams. I had a dream last night, or was it the night before? Anyway, I was in the shoe store trying on heels. Really high heels. I used to wear high heels but I don't anymore. At all. Ever. I found a pair that I liked and I was prancing around in them in the mirror. I know the dream wasn't about me wearing heels again but I think it was more about me reconsidering things that I enjoyed but gave up on. Like love. Like relationships. That comes to mind. I have just closed myself to the idea. I love love though. I love relationships too. I don't think I'm ready to be in one right now but I don't have to be as closed off as I am. I think the thing with me is that I have really good male friends. They pretty much take up the space for relationships. I can talk to them, go out with them, trust them and know that they have me, like I have them. So I just don't look. I've just settled into this space. This home girl space. Everyone is in the friend zone. One of the reasons I'm afraid of relationships is that I've never been in a relationship where I have been comfortable truly revealing the side of me that really gets down sometimes. I don't know how my partner would handle it. So I try as best as I can to be cheery and encouraging and happy. And when I'm not I hide. I always have. It's been my way of protecting my partners. I remember I dated a guy once who said "I don't know what's wrong with you, if you on your period or whatever but you need to get it together." I didn't explain anything to him but that was the last time I felt safe being completely me. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of a relationship. That something was wrong with me. That I should settle with being friends with men. And I did. I have great men in my life. I have great sister friends in my life as well. I feel complete. Sometimes. But there is a part of me that would like to share myself with someone. I'm just not open to sharing part of myself anymore.

I always go into stuff I didn't intend to on this blog. Whatever.

Again. I hope y'all are well and rest well tonight. I plan to.

Kisses,

Jaha

Careful

Oh yeah, tomorrow is the big eclipse. Don't look at it and keep your pets inside. Yes, really. It is that serious.

Feeling better now. Sweet tea.

Hey everyone. It's 11:00 pm and I am at home. Just got in from work. Had a good night with my client. I found out some interesting news. I thought she just turned 100 and it turns out she's about to turn 101. How did I miss that? She is so special. I work with my other client tomorrow and he is just as wonderful. I'm blessed to have these awesome elders in my life.

I don't have much to say. Just wanted to say something before I went to bed. I'm feeling better now than I did last night and this morning. What a difference morning makes. My head is clearer. I don't go to work tomorrow until 2 so I have time to get some things done before then and I'm up for it. Sometimes I'm not. Let's hope I feel this way in the morning too. I have some poems I need to write before the next WomanPreach event next month in Ohio. I'm looking forward to it. I've never been to Ohio before. So, since no poems are really coming to me I guess I better go to where they are, wherever that is, because it's got to get done.

In other news, somebody please tell me to stop drinking sweet tea from McDonald's. I know it's not good for me. Ok, tomorrow. None tomorrow.

Have a good night y'all.

J

Dick. Jerry.

Oh yeah, Dick Gregory died yesterday. Jerry Lewis died today. Rest in peace.

WomanPreach. Art sale. Tired.

Greetings all. It's 11:59 am and I am at home. I am feeling a bit...jumbled. Is that a feeling? I don't know. My thoughts are all over the place. I don't feel happy or sad or mad or glad. And now I sound like Dr. Seuss.

I woke up early this morning because Valerie called to book my flight for the WomanPreach events for the September and October and let me know the 2018 dates. I've been working with them since 2009. I didn't realize it had been that long until she told me. My father died in 2009. I started this blog in 2009. I was living in Georgia in 2009. Things have changed but so much has stayed the same. The same part is part of what has me a little blah. Wondering about the next ten years of my life. Can I handle much more of the same? I don't think so. I don't know. I don't want to go down that road right now. I have enough on my brain.

I'm about to get ready for work today. I don't go in until 4 but I'm dropping off art today to Benin. She purchased one of my favorite paintings. Then I need to go to the grocery store and pick up a few things and you know, eat or whatever. I'll be working until 10:30 tonight. That's not that long and time goes by really fast when I'm working with my clients. I enjoy them.

I wanted to work on a painting this morning that I started days ago but I still haven't. I was also going to do it last night but just felt kinda blank creatively. Still feel that way. I can write in this blog but this is not really my creative writing. This is more my "writing before the writing" that's what Tchsie calls it. Writing before the writing.

Truth is I don't feel like doing much of anything today. I want to doodle around with some art, if my art will speak to me, and eat and mess around looking at YouTube or something. It's a lazy day but there are things to do. Soooooo, I'm gonna get to 'em.

I hope your day goes well.

J

Uraeus

Uraeus is so patient and kind. I loves me some him. I am so thankful for such a wonderful son.

Dare

There is an unfinished painting on my table staring at me. Daring me really.

Happy 22nd!

I'm taking this time to wish my sister Roshann Reed Williams and brother in love Donald Williams a happy anniversary! I love y'all and hope this day has brought you joy and that you have many more wonderful years ahead.

Phone drive. V. Nap.

Good evening everyone! It's 6:27 and I am at home. I hope y'all are well. I went to the phone drive this morning and I had a good time. I sat with friends and we laughed and made calls and ate pizza and performed stories and poetry live for the folks in Facebook world watching. We are raising money because we supply books for LAUSD high schools and also we perform in schools. The program is called The Living Writers Series. Look up Community Literature Initiative I forgot the website, I think it's www.communitylit.org, or something like that. Google is your friend. Use it.

After the phone drive I dropped V Kali off then came home and took a nap. A good one. Then got up forty-five minutes later and took V to her reading at the L.A. book fair. I didn't stay. Mostly because I was still tired and didn't want to look for parking. They had a good crowd though. I do love L.A. We have our drama but I love this city.

After dropping V off I went to McDonald's to get a sweet tea. Judge yourselves. And then headed to my writing park. Once again I didn't get any writing done, mostly scrolled through Facebook on my phone and said a few prayers. Mumbled them with my heart words because God knows I don't always have the words. Like today. So I sat there in my car and watched the children play. The park was so crowded today. But that's cool. I like hearing children laugh and play. The ice cream truck came by and the music from the truck brought back memories from when I was a child. No I didn't get any ice cream. Nosey.

This has nothing to do with the rest of this post but do I ever transition well on this blog, NOPE. Do I even try? Well, sometimes. When I'm feeling cute. Anyway, while at the phone drive this morning Penelope performed one of her stories from her upcoming book. It gave me an idea. I think I'm going to go live on fb performing some of the poems and stories from the book I'm releasing next month (but selling now, heeeeyyyy). I'm also thinking about reading some of my short stories. I don't think I will publish them in a book, which was my original idea but for reasons I didn't. But the stories are bomb. They are all somewhere on this blog. With most of my life. Penelope said I could come to her house and she would film me. Uraeus really could do it but I don't want to bother him because I don't think he would be enthused about it and his boredom would bother me. Yep. So P and I are going to record each other. That's what writer friends who live close to each other are for.

Oh, before I forget, I sold two books and a painting today. Someone from fb is sending me a check that should be here tomorrow for two more books so there's that. Also I work with my other client tomorrow. She's one hundred years old! That's exciting to me. I haven't seen her since she had the big birthday. Looking forward to spending time with her. I need this job tomorrow. We gon get this rent paid yet. I'm also happy today because I sold one of my favorite paintings to someone really special. I've known her many years and she is truly a gift to the planet. I'm so glad my work will be hanging on her wall. Hey Benin! I'll drop it off before I go to work tomorrow.

And now. Uga muga I will be glad when the twenty-third gets here! I see my psychiatrist then and I get my meds. I really need 'em. I've been off of them for a month now and while I like the way I feel off meds, I don't like the way I feel at the same time. Try to understand. I can't explain. When I'm not on meds the depressive episodes are really hard for me to handle. They are hard with them. During the episodes and even when I'm not depressed I think about death A LOT! My own. I'm not homicidal. I'm not going to kill myself, but I have been down enough to implement the plan I have, but I think about just not being here. The thought of Uraeus saves me. Thank God. Sometimes I just feel hopeless. Like, I'm always going to be on this roller coaster. This up and down that my bipolar mind trips off of too hard because it goes too far up and way too far down. Even when I'm well the feelings are there because I know that the clouds will come again. They keep coming. I don't think they ever leave. I just...function. The older I get though, the harder it is to keep going. I'm fine physically but there is a lot going on inside this head.

The other thing I deal with mentally is that I've always had hard episodes. Since I was a child. I had a wonderful pregnancy with Uraeus physically but really suffered with postpartum depression that lasted for years. Through episodes when Uraeus was a baby, as will every episode I have, I thought of suicide. I never attempted because I didn't want to leave Uraeus. Especially didn't want to leave him with that story, those thoughts. So I stayed. I still don't want to leave him but I have to have something else to hold onto to keep me here. My thoughts then were that he needed me. He is almost grown now and will be out living his life and won't need me like before. What then? So what I do now when I get really low is think about what I still want to achieve. I don't know if that will always be enough but I am still here. And for those of you who are wondering, or even judging, it's not about what's wrong or what could be that bad. That's not it. This chemical imbalance just allows this roller coaster to feel like there are too many loop de loops. Just too many. I start getting super down on myself, start trying to solve every problem in one sitting, start not taking care of myself like I should, start not feeling worthy, start feeling hopeless. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know what it is like to not have hope? Please don't come to me with your scriptures. I've read them. Yes I believe in God and have a wonderful relationship with God. If I broke my leg would you question my relationship with God? If I had cancer would you question my relationship with God? If I was blind would you question my relationship with God? Would you blame me for knocking into doors? No. No you wouldn't. That's the thing about mental illness. No one questions the coping skills of someone with a physical disease. No one tells them to snap out of it. But because you can't see mental illness you judge. Go on with that.

So, I didn't intend to go there. Anywhere near there. But whatever. Things just come out when I start typing. I hope someone is helped.

I'm going to jump off now and try to finish a painting I started days ago that is just staring at me.

Love yourselves.

Sold books. Booked shows. Holding hope.

Hey everyone! I hope you are well. Hope you had a good day and all that. It's 11:11 pm and I am at home. I did have a pretty good day today. Sold more books and booked two shows. Yes! I feel good about that. I will keep this short because I'm ready to go to bed. I have an early day tomorrow. I have to be at USC at 9. Yes 9 am is early. To me anyway. I'm participating in a phone drive for the program I work for. Hopefully we will find a way to have fun. And hopefully there will be food and good fruit and water and some bomb juice. Pray for all that for me.

Also, Steve Bannon got fired.

Deal.

Feature

I'm looking forward to my feature tonight at The Spot in Inglewood!

Jill Scott with poetry fam

I saw Jill Scott last night at the Hollywood Bowl with some friends and had a really good time. I think I smiled throughout the concert. She was so good. So good!

Back on the grind today. Selling books and art. Thankful for money that shows up in my PayPal account from folks wanting to purchase things from me. God is good.

Painting. Art sale. Facebook.

Good afternoon everyone! It's 2:51 pm and I am at home painting. Also, I'm about to start cleaning out my ride because I'm driving with my sisterfriends to the Jill Scott concert! Yep! They surprised me with a ticket! Yay for friends because a concert is really not in the budget right now.

Also, I told you I was having an art sale. Go on my Facebook page and check out the art and the video I posted. I hope you likey!

Gotta go. Have an amazing day. Live your life like it's golden. Yep!

Redondo Beach. Art for sale. Selling books.

Hello everyone. It's 12:50 am and I am at home. Got here about twenty minutes ago from a poetry reading in Redondo Beach. It was a nice event. My first time there. It's good to see the poetry scene now. I was new on the scene over twenty years ago and it felt sort of like being in a time machine tonight watching it all go down tonight. So much the same. New faces of course.

I had a good day yesterday. I posted some art for sale and am selling my new book even though it doesn't come out until next month. Hey, whatever.

I have a lot to do tomorrow (well it's tomorrow already huh?) so I better log off.

Take care.

Good day. Writing park. Feeling good.

It's 7:06pm and I'm home. Had a good day with my client today. I usually have a good day with him though. I am inspired by him. I mean, 97. 97! And healthy and active and teaching other seniors. God is good.

I went to my writing park but didn't get any writing done. That's ok because I got some good ideas and am happy about executing them starting first thing tomorrow. Well not first thing. I'm going hiking tomorrow. Though it may be more walking than hiking. I'm not feeling the hills right now. I may just do a few times around the walking area and come home and work. Whatever I do I plan to workout tomorrow.

I'm feeling good. Much much better than I was feeling the past few days. Good news. I don't have much to say. I haven't had much to say recently. Notice that? Whatever.

Oh, I'm featured at an event on Thursday. Gotta do some writing because I don't have a piece about the Nazi march in VA and I want my set to say something about it. We will see what comes out.

Maybe I'll post later. Love y'all.

Better. Rested. Concerned.

Good afternoon. It's 12:59 pm and I am at home. I'm feeling better today. I got some good rest last night. Didn't get to sleep until late but when I did go I was out. I'm heading out to Long Beach in a little while with Uraeus. My mother is at the house alone and we will be there to keep her company until my sister and her family get back.

I'm concerned about what's going on in the world. Last night a group of white racists gathered with torches and marched in Charlottesville. This is 2017. 2017! A car, driven by a white man plowed into a crowd and killed someone and injured others. I don't know how many. It's so serious out here. It is hard enough living as a person of color in America and every day it is more and more challenging. Traci Blackmon asked "How can we be unarmed when the weapon they fear is our blackness?" Such a great question.

So, y'all pray. Y'all march. Y'all fight. Let's do what we have to do to keep surviving.

Uraeus. Rough day. Depression.

I had a powerful conversation with Uraeus today. Today was a rough one for me. This depressive episode ain't no joke. Uraeus and I spoke about mental health and happiness and sadness and life and hanging in there and it was really powerful. We cried, well I did anyway, and laughed. I love him so much. Love how sensitive and caring he is. How he relates to others. How he lives. So proud of the man he is.

Holding on

I think about it everyday.
Every day.
I won't do it.
I won't do it.
I won't.
I do have a plan though.
I do.

Work. Blessing. Tired.

9:35 pm. At home now. I went to work today and had a pretty easy time. Work sometimes is a blessing. My clients are awesome people. My youngest client is 97. Super smart man. I love talking to him and listening to his political ideas.

I'm feeling a little tired. Hopefully I'll get some good sleep tonight. I just got off the phone with my cousin in Texas and it was a joy talking to him. We recently reconnected and we picked up like nothing was ever lost. We knew each other but weren't close as children. Some of that is because he and his family lived in Texas and we were in Cali. So the only times I saw him were when they drove out here to visit. He spent some time out here when he was grown but we still didn't connect. As it turns out we knew some of the same people. Life is funny. We were in different places at the time and he didn't reach out. I do understand. Glad we are in each other's lives now. I finally got to meet his wife and daughter last year when WomanPreach had an event in Texas. Good times. That was such a great day. He jokingly asked me not to mention his name on my blog. He said he was kidding but there is probably a part of him that was serious so I won't mention his name. He knows who he is. Anyway we were talking tonight and lifting each other up. We need it. And from each other. It felt good being able to share my feelings with someone in my family and not have to censor them. Often I feel that my family, especially my immediate family can only deal with the happy me. When I'm all cheery and telling jokes. It seems hard on them when I have something deep to share. So I don't. I keep it to myself or tell my therapist or a friend. I understand that though. I do. It can be hard to hear that a loved one is dealing with something challenging and maybe they feel helpless. I don't know. I just try not to bring my heaviness around them.

Well, I'm off tomorrow but I have some work to do from home so I'll be busy with that for most of the morning. I'm going to try to get up early and get started so that I can have my evening free. Free to do what I don't now. I have no plans but I want it free to do whatever comes to me. Maybe I won't do anything. Maybe I'll type in this blog all night long. Whatever I want to do.

In other news, my friends and bought me a ticket to go with them to see Jill Scott next Wednesday! Yay Jill! Yay friends! See, folks love me. They do. I'm looking forward to having a good time out with them.

As for me tonight I'm about to pack it in and get some sleep. Hopefully. Uraeus is fine and we are chillin'. Hope you're chillin' too.

Jaha

Walking. Early. Stage.

It's 12:16 and I am at home. I got home late and didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up late this morning. I have been walking / hiking on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a friend at the park at 6:30 am. I haven't been very consistent because 6:30 is a bit early for me. I planned to go this morning but when I woke up it was already 6:30 and I would be too late. I missed it. I'm sure he thinks I'm flaking because I missed Tuesday as well. Oh well.

I went to the Stage last night. V and Myshell rode with me. When we got there V got out of the car to set up but Myshell and I stayed in the car and talked. We had a good conversation and we talked so much we missed half of the show. I needed the conversation though.

I know I'm skipping around a lot but y'all know how crazy I run this blog. Transition statements for what? After I realized I missed my walk with Isaac this morning I went back to sleep. As I said before I didn't get much of it last night. I woke up pretty late. Uraeus was up early cooking so that woke me up for a minute. Then went back to sleep. The heaviness was there when I woke up. I have so much to do. When I don't teach summer school then summers are hard for me. Really hard financially. This summer is no different. I wasn't offered a summer position this year so I only had my local gigs and my in home care business as income. Those two never cover all of my needs around here so things are slow and backed up. Thankfully my rent is not due until the middle of the month. The 15th. So I have a few more days to come up with the rest of what I need. I pray I have it. If not, I pray my landlord is cool. He usually is because there are some months I pay rent three months in advance so when I need a break here and there he does give it to me. I just don't like being late. What else was I saying? Oh, the heaviness. Well it's there. Part of it is due to the depression, mostly I think due to me not being on meds for so long and some due to me worrying about my rent. I hate not paying bills. Anyway, I'm managing the best I know how. Myshell said something last night in our conversation about how she can tell when I'm on my meds. She said that it seems like I'm not all the way there like I'm so "subdued." I think she's right. That's how I feel. Subdued. Not a word I use but accurate. I feel doped up. I think that's one reason I go off of them from time to time. I need to feel more myself. I do notice that things are funnier and I laugh more when I'm not on meds. The down side is that I'm sad more often too. I feel everything. The good and the bad. The meds help bring things to an even keel.

Thankfully I don't have to see my client until 2:00 today. I really love working in the afternoons. I try to schedule all of my appointments around that time. It is also good for when Uraeus is in school because I am able to give him rides to school. I know he's grown and everything but I still try to keep him off the bus as much as I can.

Ok, I'm just babbling now. I'm going to check out but I'll post again later. Have a great day y'all. Love yourselves.

Uraeus. Love.

Uraeus makes me laugh.

Uraeus. The Grove. Bookstore.

It's 3:30 pm on a Wednesday and I am at home. Uraeus is here. I'm taking him to one of his favorite chill spots later. The bookstore in The Grove. He usually walks but he's not ready and the doctor is not ready for him to push himself just yet. I'm really looking forward to his visit early next month with his cardiologist. Anyway, that's what's up with him. Me, I'm not doing so well today. I feel heavy and low and I've been off of my meds too long. I figured this was going to happen but I thought I could push it away. I can't. I have no refills and don't see my doctor until the 23 which is a couple of weeks away. I have to go in before then because I won't be able to make it. This post is a mess. Whatever. We will deal together.

I woke up late and feeling hopeless. That's how my depression episodes begin. With that feeling. I know the scriptures. I know the prayers. I know God is there. Please don't tell me that. I know. I just feel heavy. Chill. The clouds are here and I have to ride this one out. They will blow away. That's the prayer anyway. I don't know what I'm talking about right now. I just logged on to get my fingers moving. Moving fingers help. They do. Expressing myself helps. It does. Whatever I'm expessing. Expressing myself here on this blog helps a lot (instead of Facebook) because I can get it out without folks commenting. I don't wanna hear it. I just wanna say it. Folks comment here too but not as often. This place is like my private getaway where I can express away.

I have been in the same clothes for a week. I haven't showered. It's too hard. Showering is hard work when I'm feeling like this. I don't know why. But it is. I brush my teeth every day so that's good. My car is mad dirty and I need to clean it today because I'm picking folks up to go to The World Stage tonight. If I go. I need to go. Getting out would be good for me. I don't wanna do anything. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I want someone to see the doctor for me and bring my meds to me. I'm not sleeping well. I never sleep well without the pills. Never.

I need another job. I physically don't know if I can handle another job. I don't really need another job as much as I need to get paid more from the jobs I have. Every single dime I have goes just to keep living. For the rent. For gas. For food. EVERY dime.

Uraeus is getting ready now. Taking him to the bookstore is going to force me to at least get outside. I might even go to the park, my writing park, and try to write before I come home. Maybe I won't achieve any real writing. Maybe I will just scroll Facebook on my phone but that's better than sitting here on my couch feeling down. Get up, girl! Get up.

I don't feel like this post anymore. I'll be ok. I'm just...dumpy right now. But I'll be cool. Take care of yourselves.

Jaha

Prayer

I don't always close my eyes. Don't always speak words. It's more a poem, a mumble, sing song thing this prayer. My prayer. My words to a listening God. God keeps on being God. My moans to a moving God. I don't always bend my knees. Rarely. I am rarely on bended knee. But God knows. Don't always clasp my hands. This is my prayer. My groans to a God who knows how thankful I am.

Dear Jaha

Sometimes the answer is just to breathe. You don't have to have all the answers right now. You don't have to know how life will work out. The moment is the blessing. You don't have to have all the money. All the health. All the knowledge. Sometimes you will hurt. And sometimes the perfect parking space will appear. Sometimes your favorite song will play. You never know for sure about the times.

Soon

I wanna go somewhere really pretty and take pictures of things.

Listening

I got an answer. Not the one I wanted but God did answer my prayers and I am at peace.

Mothering

I like to bother my son by saying really corny things. Today I came home, gave him thumbs up and told him he was thumbs up in my book. He didn't respond. I don't know why.

No Agape. Menopause. Posting daily.

Happy Sunday all. Yes I started to get up and go to Agape this morning. No it didn't happen. Maybe next Sunday. Maybe not. We'll see. I did go to the park again today though. I didn't stay long. I was hoping I would get some writing done but I mostly just scrolled through Facebook and enjoyed the fresh air. Sometimes the words come. Sometimes they don't. My good days outweigh my bad days.

On another note, it's hot in this apartment even with the ac blowing. Not sure if it's the ac or my menopause. These hot flashes ain't a joke. Oh, and here's some news. I'm off my meds until the end of the month. I don't have any refills at the pharmacy and I was late to my appointment when you miss your appointment and they give you refills. So...I have to wait until I see my doctor. Actually I probably don't HAVE to wait. There is probably another appointment I could get with the missed appointment people but I think I'll be ok until the end of the month. It's coming soon. Oh, that will most likely be my last appointment with my doctor. She is retiring in September. I feel some kinda way every time I think about that. She's so great! I hope I get another great one.

Nothing big is going on around here. I'm still just trying to keep the commitment I made to myself to post every day. I don't know if I can or really want to or not. Let's see. Let's also see if I can squeeze a poem out before the day is through. I haven't really been writing lately. Just some stream of consciousness words and stories I post on FB. I've posted some of them here too. Just trying to keep myself exercised. I haven't written anything I have to wrestle with in awhile. You know what I mean? When you work and fight for the perfect line and metaphors. You know. I know you do.

This post is a mess. I know it is. Stay with me though loves. Stay with me. Oh, I saw the funniest meme of FB today. It said "I hate poetry. I'd rather read my divorce papers." Even I thought that was funny and I love poetry. Some poetry.

Anyway, like I said, nothing going on but the rent (hopefully) around here. Uraeus is resting and I am about to dive more into a book I started a couple of days ago written by friends of mine. A married couple I know who wrote a book called INTERNAL BALANCE, Would You Marry You? It's interesting so far. I'm reading it because they wrote it and I love them. I am not looking to get married again. I don't think. Maybe I will feel different about that when I finish the book. The question of would you marry you is really interesting though. I don't know if I would marry me. I am a good person though. I let you know more about the book when I get deeper into it.

Have an amazing evening all. Love and peace.

Chilling. Writing. Getting through.

Uraeus and I are chillin this Saturday. Woke up late and been reading, on the computer, writing and relaxing since. Nothing to see here. I started to go to the park today to write. My favorite. My writing park. But I didn't. I don't know what changed my mind. Decided to do some stream of consciousness writing here at the apartment. I did. Turned out ok. I work tomorrow with a home health client so I'll get out then. Maybe even get to the park afterwards. There is a piece I want to complete on Jepthatha's daughter (a Bible story) before the WomanPreach event next month. I have it sketched in my head but don't have any of it down yet. I want Valerie to see it before I present it. So I guess I better get to writing.

So that's it. Again, nothing much here. I just wanted to post today. Things are slow and I'm a little worried about it but I pick up the worry and put it down throughout the day. Next month will be better. Praying I can get through this one. Also next month is my birthday month, so there's that. I plan to have a skate party down the street at World on Wheels. Yep. Old school thanna mug.

Peace out y'all. Call ya mama. Hug a tree.

Sing

Him. Hymn. Like a song I sang in church. Stained glass windows above my head. Jesus feeding the five thousand with two fish and five loaves. Bow your head with me. He is a secret. A song. A name across my chest. He is arms around my waist and an ear when I need it most. Glory glory. Glory glory. He is my blessing. My basket of apples. I am hungry. I am thirsty. I am weak. I am tired. He is my strength. Protects me from the wind that blows my mind away from peace. He. Him. His. His heart resting on my sleeve. He say his heart is mine too. Glory glory. Glory glory. This is the good news. Glory glory. Like sage all in my lungs. Clean the air. Wipe the tables of all the dust. He is here. Make room. Make room. This space right next to me.

Fish

Sing me the song about the old man by the sea. About how he caught fish with his hands and stared at the sun. Tell me the story about the woman and her son. Way she worked to feed him. Keep him clean. Teach him lessons. Until the day was almost done. I remember the ways you love me by the stories that you tell. Recite for me the poem of the girl and her doll. How she named her and curled up her hair and sewed her a new dress. This story and that tale. This song and musing. Run your fingers cross my forehead. Bring me some ice. Massage my dear temples. Then rub on my feet. Tell me a story about you and about me.

Not much to say

Hello everyone. Not posting much today. Just came on because I'm trying to be more consistent. Even when I don't have much to say.

So Uraeus did have an appointment with the doctor today but it was not with his cardiologist which is what I thought. It was with his regular doctor. That's cool. He sees heart doctor next month. Uraeus is doing much better though. Hasn't had a big spell since we went to the emergency the last time. He said he has had seconds worth of irritation but it comes and goes away very quickly. I'm still praying. Always.

Also, I didn't go to my writing park today. That's what I call it. My writing park. It's the park where I do guess what? Right. After we came from the doctor we went to our corners and did what we do. Read, check the computer, YouTube...The cable is off which has proved to be more a blessing because we know we don't NEED it. I couldn't afford it really. Every month I was looking around for the same $150 I was giving the cable company. Oh well, we have plenty of DVDs to watch if we just HAVE to look at something on the TV, which we don't. Neither of us watched it much anyway. It was watching us mostly. One day though. One day. But for now we are some reading and computer folks around here.

And me, well I'm doing all right. I have the same worries I usually have. The rent is never easy. Work picks up next month. Hallelujah. Trying to keep my head above water. Repeating the Good Times theme song to myself. You know. Stuff. Life stuff.

That's it. Maybe more tomorrow. Love y'all. I do.

Uraeus. Hospital. Breath.

Uraeus was in the hospital. He had shortness of  breath and his chest felt like someone was sitting on it and he was sweaty. They kept him  two nights. After he got out we had to go back again because he had another episode. Not as big as the one before but enough for us to want to check it out. The doctor said his levels were better than when he went in days before. He sees his cardiologist tomorrow so we will know more then. Thank you all for your prayers. Those of you who knew. Please keep sending us the love.

Brave

Be brave enough to live. Enough to swallow the contradictions in your throat. To be cured of your unbeliefs. Dance. Be brave enough to dance. These are just circumstances. These are just thoughts. This is just a dream. Watch and see how brave you are when you free yourself a layer of skin. Look how good God loves you. Look how the sea will hold your body. Way the trees keep your secrets. Look up. Pray to Source inside your soul. To the river of thoughts that flood your space. Your black hands in front your face. Look how the clouds form your name. Listen how the birds sing your morning song. Wake up. Wake up. You are a free woman now. What your freedom cost you now? What would you exchange?

Journey

I don't want to wait for the story to come to me. I want to meet it where it is. At the beach. In line at the market. Taking clothes out of the dryer. I like to listen to the lines as they come out a baby's mouth. Come from the man at the liquor store. Homeless woman on the corner. I like to sit in the sun writing in my little journal. The red one. One with the lotus on the cover. All the sounds I hear. The voices in the air. Voices in my head. Dreams from the night before. A story is always there. A song a thought a wish a question. A poem wants to be written. To be pulled from the sky and penned. A scream dares to be interpreted. Paraphrase a blowing leaf. Let's do the work, writers. All this listening to be done. All this noise all around. Waiting to come to life.

Gratitude

Thankful for life. For Uraeus being home. For surprisingly free medication from the Kaiser Pharmacy. For my mother. Sister and her gas card and generosity. My niece making a three pointer in the game today. For love. Friends who check in. Family. Facebook. For poems. The ones that rhyme. The ones that don't. Thankful for thankful today.

Creating

I just be in this apartment trying to write poems and paint pictures and be a mother. Trying to keep the rent paid and food up in here. I just be up in here tired of hustling. Be reading and praying when I can get my words together. I be talking to myself and singing songs all off key. What key? Who said something about a key? I be posting stories about being black and a woman and a mother. About being over forty and tired of doing it by myself. About needing to lose some of this weight and make more of this money. I just be up in here all minding my business and sharing some of it with y'all.

Prayer

A whisper is a prayer. Looking up at the moon is a prayer. A drive down to San Diego. A walk on Venice Beach. A movie with a friend. Prayer. 90's hip hop is a prayer. Sex is a prayer. A deep, bended knee, closed eyes prayer. A good sermon is a prayer. Come on now sing with me. This womanist body is a prayer. All nappy and black and free. Being black in America is a prayer. You know it is. These breasts these legs these black hands and thighs. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. Rearing a black son with locks and brains is a prayer. Bow your head with me. A poem is a prayer. Coming up with the rent every month is a prayer. God won't You help me please? Not taking all of the pills is a prayer. Pills are a prayer. This post is a prayer. Come soon sleep. Come soon. A kiss on the back of my neck is a prayer. Do you know that kind of prayer? Death is a prayer. Life is too. Life is a prayer. A song, way Mahalia Jackson sang a song, is a prayer. Money is a prayer. Even this itch in the middle of my back is a prayer. It's all a prayer. It's all gon be all right. Or it ain't. It's still a prayer. Still a prayer.

Come

Somebody bring me a river. Bring me an ocean, a lake. Some water I can walk into and clean myself and come out only if I want to. Somebody tell me what you know about carrying this kind of weight. Not these hips these thighs this stomach. I'm talking about this skin. This black this woman. Tell me how you feel when you see this body done wrong. Somebody bring me a hole to crawl into. One that's made just for me. Where I can use it when holding my stress and yours too get too ...much for me. Where somebody at? Somebody to grease this scalp and lotion these legs. Come through somebody. Come through. Somebody bring me a pen. I can write down all I want to say so don't nobody forget. Come through somebody. Somebody tall or short, fat or skinny, with freckles or without. Somebody with some get up and get ready. Somebody with some act right about theyself. Come through somebody. See these scars. I been here before. Was a wolf and a bear, a bee and a tree. I put in all types of work. I just want to rest now. Come through somebody. Come hold my hand while I fall asleep.

Watching

Today in the park the lady with all the dogs was there. Pushing her sons in the double stroller. Wearing her heels. Like this is a runway. Like this is the Beverly Center. Like her feet are her business. A woman sitting on a blanket with her toddler daughter told her to take her fucking shoes off. Like she couldn't say that a better way. The man threw a football with his son. I think it was his son. They had the same pale skin. The same bow legs. What difference does it make?... Today in the park the woman backing up almost hit the man driving forward. He had to swerve to avoid a wreck. Story of my life I thought. Story of my life. All this swerving I do. All the wrecks I avoided. Ones I been in too. The poet, the comedian, the office manager, the model. All the wrecks. The lessons. Today in the park a flag was waving. I'm all like waving for me? For my people? For the toddler and her fucking shoes? A boy chased a girl. A mother pushed her child on the swing. Today is just a regular Monday. Nothing special about this park except the pine cones are bigger than others. But I need moments like this. Just watching. The dog chase the boy. The baby go down the slide. The breeze hit my cheek. Hear the ladies laugh. This is how I ready for tonight. Tomorrow. For my life.