Funeral. Maria's son. St. Mark.

It's 7:16 pm and I am at home. It's a beautiful Saturday. The weather is nice and I am feeling well. I went to a funeral this morning at St. Mark. Maria's sixteen year old son was shot and killed by another black man and woman's son. This is too sad and happens too often. I debated about going to the funeral because I thought about what it would trigger in me. I went. Ultimately I don't think I was ever going to not go. I didn't get there in time to view the body but was in time for the whole service. One thing about St. Mark is that they do have good funerals. They sing upbeat songs and the service is a praise service and is called a home going ceremony. I like that. I also liked that the preacher, I don't remember his name, didn't brush over the fact that this is still a sad occasion. He began his service by saying to the family and friends of Deron (the deceased) that "You will heal. But not today." Which is true. I don't even know if "heal" is the word. More like, You will deal. But not today. Maria even spoke and was very encouraging to Deron's friends. I don't want to know the pain she is feeling right now. I don't want to know those kinds of ups and downs. I will keep her and her family in my prayers.

There were moments today when I imagined my son's picture in the front where Deron's was and even those thoughts were too painful. I shook them out of my head and tried to stay present. So I sang the songs I knew and celebrated Deron's life with his family and friends. I didn't know him but I know his mother. I grew up with her. Actually she came up more with my sister about four years younger, but still, I've known her forever.

Thankfully I ran into a lot of people I knew from my childhood and it was good to see them. It was also great to see my aunt Janice and I got to meet her friend. I mean "friend." We all talked. I left and saw Maria then took an old school photo with some old friends of mine. Except for the fact that I was at the funeral of a sixteen year old who was senselessly murdered, the day was good. I feel a way saying that.

Oddly my mother was not there so I went by her house to check on her. She was in bed with a headache she's had since Thursday. She gets those long lasting headaches. I gave her my program from the service and we talked a little. Prayerfully the headache will go away soon and she will be up and rolling like she usually is. I said so long to my mom and then headed home.

Uraeus was here when I got home. Playing his video game and working on his computer and doing whatever stuff. I said a prayer of thanksgiving that my son is here. He is home. He is safe. He is healthy. He is fed. He is happy. He is alive. He is free. I have so much to be thankful for.

I have some things going on in my head about my future but I do realize that I am one blessed woman. Right now, I don't want to return to teaching at SW. I haven't been vocal about that but that's how I'm feeling right now. I don't want to work in an office at some 9 to 5. I still have my job and may not leave until I get a new one but I don't know what that will look like right now. I do want to return to teach the fiction class at CLI and I do want to continue to be the artist-in-residence at WP. I'm clear about that. Those two things alone won't cover my expenses though. I'm prayerful about it though. Something will come up. Some days teaching the children gives me too much anxiety and when I'm depressed it's hard to function and I have to fake my way through the hour and that's becoming harder and harder. How did I get here and I started talking about a funeral? Because no matter what's going on what's next for me keeps popping up. That's how.

Well I'm going to eat now and try to enjoy the rest of my Saturday.

Love yourselves today.

Mother's day reflection

It's 1:47 pm and I am at home. Yesterday was Mother's Day and I had a beautiful day. Uraeus and I met my mom, Roshann, Reuben and Deja at church. It was good all being there together. We stopped beforehand and picked up flowers to bring to her at church. She appreciated them. Uraeus also bought me flowers. He was sweet the whole day. He is anyway. After church Roshann and Deja cooked and Donald barbequed. We ate and watched two movies all together gathered cozily in the living room. It was beautiful. Uraeus and I spent the night and I took him to school this morning. I loved it. I slept in the room with my mother and we listened to a book on tape, which is what we usually do when I spend the night. Lovely.

Although I had a good time this Mother's Day my heart was still with Dietra who lost her mother on the 5th just before Mother's Day. Today they are having her body cremated and are gathered together for a final goodbye to her body. I don't know that kind of pain and loss. I don't want to know it. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers today and they were yesterday. Because of what she is going through I spent much of yesterday just appreciating that I still have my mother and am able to talk to her and share with her when I want to. I know that life is life but I never want that to end.

So I send love to all those who don't have their mothers and may experience Mother's Day as a sad experience. To those of you who do have your mothers I hope you appreciate them.

Love y'all.

Speak

Speak to me
Like art licks the butterfly
Like moon kisses the sky
Tell me stories
Tell me about grass growing
About water boiling in your grandmother's pot
Say anything
Make your lips move
Up and down
I will read your words as they fall from your mouth
I will fold your sentences and save them inside my bra
Tell me about your dreams
I will imagine bass and rain in the background
Tell me
Tell
Me
I can keep a secret
I can hold water
I can hear a whisper
I have stories of my own you know
I will tell you
Feel my breath warm on your neck
Make me gather your tales in baskets of straw
Tell me
Tell
Me
Make me remember the stories you told me before
Make me remember
Re
Member
Hold me
Like the rainbow lifts the sky
Tell me blues
Reds
Yellows
Tell me greens and oranges
Make me remember
Re
Member
You

Work. Uraeus. Love.

It's 6:52 pm and I am at home. Today was a beautiful day. I taught a make up class at one of the schools where I teach. Normally I am only there on Fridays but we had a mid week class today. It was a good class. I took myself out to lunch after class today. I bought lunch and ate it at a park. I needed that. Sometimes being inside of my home makes me want to sleep. Too much sleep makes me depressed.

After lunch I came home to clean up and found Uraeus here still working on his paper due today. I took him to school and was present to how much I love my son. How blessed I am. He's working hard in school and is happy. Which is what I want for him. He's back home now resting after his day.

No big news to report, just releasing these thoughts in my head. Now I need to get busy on what I'm teaching tomorrow.

Up and down

I feel good today. Dealing with being bipolar I have days when I'm so down I can hardly move. Then there are days when I'm so up and talking so fast I scare myself. Today I feel well. I feel good. I don't know how long this feeling will last but I cherish every moment that I have this feeling. I hope you are well too. I hope you can feel all this love energy around you. I hope this last longer than today. I love y'all.

Speechless. Purple.

Yesterday Prince died and I'm still in shock. I have finally accepted that it's true. I was waiting yesterday for the radio to say they had been mistaken.

Say Word

Ready to teach poetry to some bright and talented 10th graders. ‪

Special

Taalam Acey spoke to my class yesterday and was so inspiring! Thank you Taalam for being so great with the students. The work you shared was brilliant! ‪#‎SayWordLA‬

Purple love. These kids ain't knowin'.

When one of my students asked who Prince was, at first I had no words.

Festival

I'm excited about working with the Children's Arts Festival tomorrow at the Buena Park Community Center! I'll be leading an arts and crafts room with over three hundred children running through. Sunday I'm resting though. Yep, Sunday.

Sleep. Depression. Doctor.

It's 3:38 pm and I am at home. I had a good visit with my doctor today. I see her once a month whether I'm feeling okay or not. I'm feeling well. We talked about my sleep patterns. When I'm sleeping too much I get depressed and when I sleep too little I start to get manic. All this is information I know. Also that the lithium makes me feel better but also makes my hands shake a little. For now I can handle the shaking.

I have an early class tomorrow but I'm still going to Eerene's book release at The World Stage tonight. I need to be out tonight. If not I would probably just grade a few papers and turn in early. I'm beginning to sleep a lot. I'm also thankful for that because I remember the days when I couldn't fall asleep for anything. Speaking of things I'm thankful for, I got my iPad out of the pawn shop today. It felt good. Also thankful for going grocery shopping today. We were running low around here but God always shows up right on time. I'm still behind on napowrimo and I think I'm giving up, other than that, I'm good. How are you?

Grading papers. Cleaning. Being a friend.

It's 2:26 pm and I am at home. It's Saturday and a beautiful Saturday at that. I have some reading to do for CLI on Monday and some papers to grade for Tuesday at Fairfax and more papers to grade for Friday at University but I'm not doing that right now. Not now. Now I am enjoying the stillness of this Saturday. Oh, not to mention my floors need to be mopped. Still, not now. Perhaps not today at all. I may see a friend later on today and hang out with her. I'm due for a girlfriend hangout. For laughs and drinks. I'm still behind on napowrimo but I did like the last one I posted. That's a shift in the right direction. On second thought maybe I will knock out some of this reading.