Yes! I made it. I knew I would but I am glad to see the day and time come. I'm off at 8am and on my way to have a great day with Uraeus, the twins and Lynette. I need to get some good rest because I'm sure it will be a long day. Sidebar, I can't find my cell charger anywhere so hopefully I left it at my mom's place.
Again, I need to get some rest. That's the only hard part about the assignment at Debra's. She's great to get along with it's just the lack of sleep. I start changing her every two hours from 6am to midnight. I'm tired usually. But right now I'm not tired. Now I'm excited. Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...
Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Dear Therman (from journal entry 7-27-11)
Often I think about how we used to talk when we were both in the house in Georgia. You at the table and me on the kitchen counter. About nothing. About everything. We always made it deep. We always made it nothing. In my mind some days, I'm back there with you. Talking about everything and nothing. Walking to the bank, Publix, shopping for the month at WalMart. Picking you up and dropping you off, being picked up and dropped off at the Greyhound station, at the airport. All of it. Recently added to my collection of memories was us catching the train and bus from Alan's funeral in Long Beach this summer.
Because we are so much alike, roamers of the land, collectors and tellers of stories, we knew the face to face moments wouldn't last long. But thank you. For every word of advice, every conversation, every dollar bill, all of the information about politics I wouldn't know anyway. I am glad to know you as family. Honored to call you friend.
Jaha
Because we are so much alike, roamers of the land, collectors and tellers of stories, we knew the face to face moments wouldn't last long. But thank you. For every word of advice, every conversation, every dollar bill, all of the information about politics I wouldn't know anyway. I am glad to know you as family. Honored to call you friend.
Jaha
At Debra's day 4 (from journal entry 7-27-11)
Debra's friends from San Diego came to visit. They stayed for about two hours and now they are gone. I had Debra open the door for them when they came. They liked that and she seemed to enjoy their visit. She has had her lunch. She is changed and now taking a nap. I will try to get some rest myself and then read and work on the show for Saturday.
I got off the phone with Lynette about thirty minutes ago and we are so excited about taking the boys to the beach on Friday. I think I'll even get in the water.
Dear Jaha,
Put the pen and notebook down and don't pick the book up and go to sleep.
I got off the phone with Lynette about thirty minutes ago and we are so excited about taking the boys to the beach on Friday. I think I'll even get in the water.
Dear Jaha,
Put the pen and notebook down and don't pick the book up and go to sleep.
Dear Uraeus (from journal entry 7-27-11)
When I was growing up I used to overhear grownups and grownupish folks say "Don't let your mouth write a check that yo ass can't cash."
I was born a storyteller so I found the phrase catchy but I didn't really really know what it meant in real world terms. On the playground it meant, "if you keep talkin' smack, you gon' git yo butt kicked after school (at recess, at lunch, whatever)."
Now, in the real grown up world I see how wise that statement is. In the world of right and wrong, if you knowingly do something "wrong" ask yourself if that wrong is a wrong you can cash. Meaning, is that wrong a wrong you can look the offended person or people in the face and completely and honestly say "I did this or that."? And then stand there without blaming someone else or defending your actions. If you can't, you are not ready for that wrong.
Before you answer whether or not you are ready to walk into a wrong, remember how tricky and greedy the ego is. The ego will tell you that you are ready to own up to it and take responsibility for it. But don't listen to the ego. There is a voice inside of you that knows when you are lying, knows when you want your truths to be lies and knows when the lies you tell yourself are really true. That voice inside of you knows you. It's up to you to know that voice.
Now keep this in mind, there is absolutely no wrong you will ever get away with. Ever. But knowingly committing a wrong you are not brave enough to own up to will only produce more wrongs you are not brave enough to own up to.
This of course is not your permission slip to seek out wrongs to do in your life, rather a guidance, if you will, on taking responsibility for the wrongs that you do.
I love you
I was born a storyteller so I found the phrase catchy but I didn't really really know what it meant in real world terms. On the playground it meant, "if you keep talkin' smack, you gon' git yo butt kicked after school (at recess, at lunch, whatever)."
Now, in the real grown up world I see how wise that statement is. In the world of right and wrong, if you knowingly do something "wrong" ask yourself if that wrong is a wrong you can cash. Meaning, is that wrong a wrong you can look the offended person or people in the face and completely and honestly say "I did this or that."? And then stand there without blaming someone else or defending your actions. If you can't, you are not ready for that wrong.
Before you answer whether or not you are ready to walk into a wrong, remember how tricky and greedy the ego is. The ego will tell you that you are ready to own up to it and take responsibility for it. But don't listen to the ego. There is a voice inside of you that knows when you are lying, knows when you want your truths to be lies and knows when the lies you tell yourself are really true. That voice inside of you knows you. It's up to you to know that voice.
Now keep this in mind, there is absolutely no wrong you will ever get away with. Ever. But knowingly committing a wrong you are not brave enough to own up to will only produce more wrongs you are not brave enough to own up to.
This of course is not your permission slip to seek out wrongs to do in your life, rather a guidance, if you will, on taking responsibility for the wrongs that you do.
I love you
At Debra's day 3 (from journal entry 7-27-11)
It's 10:26am and I'm at Debra's on day three of this shift. It's been going well. She has her yes moments and no moments. So do I. Mostly I'm winning the battles I need to win. I had a funny moment yesterday. Her friend Reese called and asked to speak with her. Often Debra doesn't like to talk on the phone. Sometimes not even to her brother. She will usually accept visitors but the phone is a different animal with her. I explained that to Reese and we decided to give it a try anyway.
Me: Debra, it's Reese Handler on the phone. Would you like to speak to her?
D: (whispering and shaking her head) No, no tell her I just left.
Reese and I had a light laugh about that. When we hung up I laughed harder.
Well, Reese called back today and I was glad Debra felt like speaking.
Me: Debra, it's Reese Handler on the phone. Would you like to speak to her?
D: (whispering and shaking her head) No, no tell her I just left.
Reese and I had a light laugh about that. When we hung up I laughed harder.
Well, Reese called back today and I was glad Debra felt like speaking.
Where the stories come from (from journal entry 7-26-11)
People often ask me how I come up with the stories I come up with. My truth is that I don't come up with them at all. I just listen. The settings change but I close my eyes, or not, and a woman is sitting (or standing or walking or working or...) next to me and I write down what she says. Old, dead, southern women love to tell me their stories. They trust me to tell them how I got them. I am honored to be chosen. Over and over.
The day I saw a man haint! (7-26-11)
She went down there anyways. I tole her not to go. With all the mangos spread over the floor like they was she shoulda undastood like I undastood but she say aint no haint gon tell her who to love and be happy with and who not to.
Ax me a haint know more than me an' her both know put together. I saw him when he slapped the lemons on the ground and the mangos fell. Yes you heard me right. It was a him! And I saw him with my own eyes. I tole Mama an' she tole me to come on in an' take a cold shower an' rub blessed oil on my body so don' nothin' happen to me.
You know it's true don't you? If you see a woman haint with long hair and a hat on then she just comin' to explain a dream to you that you cain't undastan' or she gon tell you some good numbers or special colors to paint your front door or something that's kinda good.
If she don't have no hat on and she got short hair then it mean that somebody is tryina do you harm an' she a tell you who it is and what to do.
Carole Ann say she saw a haint one time that was a woman who had one long pigtail and one short one and she was wearin' paints and no shirt but I don' believe that. Mama say Carole Ann family always was a fib.
But now if you see a man haint then you gotta listen to everything he say and do it word for word. Then you gotta go home and take a shower and smooth yoself in blessed oil to help you remember or something will happen to you. Don't nobody know for sure if it's something bad or super bad because everybody always do like the man haint say.
Man haints don't usually show theyselfs but if anybody see one then they real real lucky. I saw one. He didn't come to see me. But I saw him just the same. Me and Lacy Grace was runnin' 'round Mr. Peter's market. We was just runnin', runnin', runnin'. He tole us to stop all that runnin' but we didn't pay him no mind.
Me and Lacy Grace both had turned ten the month before that. She say now that she was two numbers she could wear some grown up lipstick on her face and have a boyfriend if she want to. Her mama didn't say so, but she say so. Lee Robert ax her to come over past the field and meet him by the big trees and give him a kiss since she was old enough to wear lipstick.
I tole her Lee Robert don' know nothin' about tellin' her to meet him nowhere and he just turn ten years old four months before us hisself. She say Lee Robert tole her he love her in Sunday School an' she was gon sneak off an' give him a kiss in the field.
Everybody know that a kiss in the field is badder than a kiss behind the school or the church but she say she wanna field kiss with Lee Robert. Say she was gon leave when we left the market.
That's when we saw the man haint. Only us saw him look straight at Lacy Grace and point his long skinny fingers an' say she bet not go lookin' for no field kiss an' take her tail straight home. Then he slapped the pile of lemons but it was the mangos that fell. Mr. Peters was standin' right there lookin' straight through the man haint but he thought it was me and Lacy Grace knocked 'em all down with our foolishness. But it wasn't our foolishness at all. It was the tall man haint with no hat and no hair. Mr. Peters didn't believe us. He said we both was a fib 'cause ain no man haint gon waste his time comin' way down to see two fasstail girls.
Lacy Grace ran outta there fast as she could and I look Mr. Peters in the face an' I tell him I wasn' no fass girl an' we did too see a man haint. Lacy Grace was already gon toward the field and I took off too. To take my shower and tell Mama.
Ax me a haint know more than me an' her both know put together. I saw him when he slapped the lemons on the ground and the mangos fell. Yes you heard me right. It was a him! And I saw him with my own eyes. I tole Mama an' she tole me to come on in an' take a cold shower an' rub blessed oil on my body so don' nothin' happen to me.
You know it's true don't you? If you see a woman haint with long hair and a hat on then she just comin' to explain a dream to you that you cain't undastan' or she gon tell you some good numbers or special colors to paint your front door or something that's kinda good.
If she don't have no hat on and she got short hair then it mean that somebody is tryina do you harm an' she a tell you who it is and what to do.
Carole Ann say she saw a haint one time that was a woman who had one long pigtail and one short one and she was wearin' paints and no shirt but I don' believe that. Mama say Carole Ann family always was a fib.
But now if you see a man haint then you gotta listen to everything he say and do it word for word. Then you gotta go home and take a shower and smooth yoself in blessed oil to help you remember or something will happen to you. Don't nobody know for sure if it's something bad or super bad because everybody always do like the man haint say.
Man haints don't usually show theyselfs but if anybody see one then they real real lucky. I saw one. He didn't come to see me. But I saw him just the same. Me and Lacy Grace was runnin' 'round Mr. Peter's market. We was just runnin', runnin', runnin'. He tole us to stop all that runnin' but we didn't pay him no mind.
Me and Lacy Grace both had turned ten the month before that. She say now that she was two numbers she could wear some grown up lipstick on her face and have a boyfriend if she want to. Her mama didn't say so, but she say so. Lee Robert ax her to come over past the field and meet him by the big trees and give him a kiss since she was old enough to wear lipstick.
I tole her Lee Robert don' know nothin' about tellin' her to meet him nowhere and he just turn ten years old four months before us hisself. She say Lee Robert tole her he love her in Sunday School an' she was gon sneak off an' give him a kiss in the field.
Everybody know that a kiss in the field is badder than a kiss behind the school or the church but she say she wanna field kiss with Lee Robert. Say she was gon leave when we left the market.
That's when we saw the man haint. Only us saw him look straight at Lacy Grace and point his long skinny fingers an' say she bet not go lookin' for no field kiss an' take her tail straight home. Then he slapped the pile of lemons but it was the mangos that fell. Mr. Peters was standin' right there lookin' straight through the man haint but he thought it was me and Lacy Grace knocked 'em all down with our foolishness. But it wasn't our foolishness at all. It was the tall man haint with no hat and no hair. Mr. Peters didn't believe us. He said we both was a fib 'cause ain no man haint gon waste his time comin' way down to see two fasstail girls.
Lacy Grace ran outta there fast as she could and I look Mr. Peters in the face an' I tell him I wasn' no fass girl an' we did too see a man haint. Lacy Grace was already gon toward the field and I took off too. To take my shower and tell Mama.
Banana bread (from journal entry 7-26-11)
It's 11:04am and I'm on day two of this shift at Debra's. I'm about to take an early nap. She just laid down, took a muscle relaxer and so will probably be sleep soon. I have been sleepy for the past few days. I gotta get it together.
As usual, I changed Debra at 6 this morning. She doesn't like to get up early and I don't like her wet. She let's me change her at 6 as long as I promise I'm not getting her up. I wash, change, dress and get her up at 8. This morning we made a deal that if I let her sleep until 9 then she would get up and get in the shower. I more than halfway knew she wouldn't stick to it but 9 sounded good to me too.
At 9 of course she thought it was too early to get into the shower. Before I washed her I had the idea to make some banana bread. All of Clara's banana talk probably stuck in my head. I used three bananas that turned soft and brown and put them in the baking pan after I lightly greased it with butter. I mixed the bananas with a cup of wheat flour, two eggs, a little sugar, butter and a cup of milk and put it into the 350 degrees preheted over. It smelled good cooking.
I got Debra ready for the day and she got up by herself and into her chair. As she sat I made us spinach, cheese omlettes, toast and juice. The bread was still smelling good and rising.
By the time we finished breakfast the bread looked done. It was good! It was flat though. I don't know what happened that made it rise so full then fall flat as a thick pancake. That's what it taste like. Like a sweet banana pancake bread with a crust. Maybe for lunch I'll put some in a small bowl and heat it up and put some whipped cream on it.
So the banana bread went well. I'll figure out what to do to keep it nice and fluffy. But for now we have a nice little dessert.
12:30pm
Ah ha! I talked to Lynette and told her abut my bread. Baking powder! Apparantly I was missing a tea spoon or two or baking powder and she said I should have mixed the wheat flour with white. Although the next time I make it I will try t do it without white flour again and see how it turns out. Maybe tomorrow. And perhaps I'll add shredded carrots, zuchini and walnuts.
As usual, I changed Debra at 6 this morning. She doesn't like to get up early and I don't like her wet. She let's me change her at 6 as long as I promise I'm not getting her up. I wash, change, dress and get her up at 8. This morning we made a deal that if I let her sleep until 9 then she would get up and get in the shower. I more than halfway knew she wouldn't stick to it but 9 sounded good to me too.
At 9 of course she thought it was too early to get into the shower. Before I washed her I had the idea to make some banana bread. All of Clara's banana talk probably stuck in my head. I used three bananas that turned soft and brown and put them in the baking pan after I lightly greased it with butter. I mixed the bananas with a cup of wheat flour, two eggs, a little sugar, butter and a cup of milk and put it into the 350 degrees preheted over. It smelled good cooking.
I got Debra ready for the day and she got up by herself and into her chair. As she sat I made us spinach, cheese omlettes, toast and juice. The bread was still smelling good and rising.
By the time we finished breakfast the bread looked done. It was good! It was flat though. I don't know what happened that made it rise so full then fall flat as a thick pancake. That's what it taste like. Like a sweet banana pancake bread with a crust. Maybe for lunch I'll put some in a small bowl and heat it up and put some whipped cream on it.
So the banana bread went well. I'll figure out what to do to keep it nice and fluffy. But for now we have a nice little dessert.
12:30pm
Ah ha! I talked to Lynette and told her abut my bread. Baking powder! Apparantly I was missing a tea spoon or two or baking powder and she said I should have mixed the wheat flour with white. Although the next time I make it I will try t do it without white flour again and see how it turns out. Maybe tomorrow. And perhaps I'll add shredded carrots, zuchini and walnuts.
At Debra's. Day 1 of long shift. (from journal entry 7-25-11)
It's 4:44 and I'm at Debra's today. Actually, I'm scheduled to be here until 8am on Friday morning. This is the longest straight shift I've been scheduled for. I don't have my computer with me so I can't get online. Shoot. Staying positive through Friday. Uraeus and I will go school shopping and go to the movies and things. Looking forward to that. He's back in Palmdale with my family. At the moment he's probably playing video games with his cousins.
The cat was missing. Well, cats are never actually missing. The cat was out of sight. Chuckie. I knew he wasn't outside because I made sure the doors were shut and locked. He wasn't in his usual sleeping place and so for almost three hours, Debra and I walked around looking for Chuckie. Under beds, behind bookcases, in showers. Nowhere. The occupational therapist was here and after she left, Debra and I sat outside on the patio and then who should come scratching on the screen but Mr. Chuckie himself.
I'm at peace today and am getting prepared for a long night and week of writing. Creative writing. Stories. Poetry, music, essays. Something. I love the blog and all the journaling and freestyle but I have other writing muscles to work out. Well, I'll just see what comes out this week.
The noise in my head is at a very low ripple. I had some things on my chest to say and had an opportunity to let it out and release to the person it was directed to and that created more room than I even imagined. Thanks for the opportunity and my willingness to take life up on the gift.
I am breathing and am thankful that I can see stories everywhere.
5:00pm
It sounds like Debra's friend is leaving. Hopefully I'll be posting soon. And not about my clients and diapers and cats and work shifts.
The cat was missing. Well, cats are never actually missing. The cat was out of sight. Chuckie. I knew he wasn't outside because I made sure the doors were shut and locked. He wasn't in his usual sleeping place and so for almost three hours, Debra and I walked around looking for Chuckie. Under beds, behind bookcases, in showers. Nowhere. The occupational therapist was here and after she left, Debra and I sat outside on the patio and then who should come scratching on the screen but Mr. Chuckie himself.
I'm at peace today and am getting prepared for a long night and week of writing. Creative writing. Stories. Poetry, music, essays. Something. I love the blog and all the journaling and freestyle but I have other writing muscles to work out. Well, I'll just see what comes out this week.
The noise in my head is at a very low ripple. I had some things on my chest to say and had an opportunity to let it out and release to the person it was directed to and that created more room than I even imagined. Thanks for the opportunity and my willingness to take life up on the gift.
I am breathing and am thankful that I can see stories everywhere.
5:00pm
It sounds like Debra's friend is leaving. Hopefully I'll be posting soon. And not about my clients and diapers and cats and work shifts.
At Clara's again (from journal entry 7-24-11)
I'm at Clara's again today. It's 7am. I have plenty of energy today. It was great going to my mom's last night and spending the evening with Uraeus. We talked, laughed and he shared some new comedy episodes with me on youtube. I shared some things with him on youtube also. I showed him a video of some of the students being interviewed in Norway. I was sick about that. Our children need to know that the world is not that big and that there is nowhere that is way over there. Anything that happens anywhere in the world is happening in our own backyard.
He stood above me at first. I sat at the desk at the computer and as the young man spoke, the young man who was about the same age as my son, Uraeus watched and listened to him speak and slowly sat his almost fourteen years big ole self on my lap. And he wasn't heavy. He was my son. And so was the young man speaking, way away right next door in Norway, my son.
That wasn't the only situation that had me in tears yesterday though. Amy Winehouse passed away. What a precious gift to the word. Wow. My pen. This prophet pen. I meant to write what a precious gift to the world and wrote word instead. And she was indeed. A precious gift to the word. She sang her stories as richly and as truthfully as a human being can sing her story. And that voice. I am too lazy in the moment to work for words to describe her voice. That touched me. Here.
Clara is sleeping on the couch. I have my feelings about her sleeping on the couch. I don't like it. My first impulse is to judge the caregiver from last shift for not putting her in her wheelchair and pushing her back to her room then putting her in the bed. Yes it's hard work. But it's hard work from me too. Yesterday I made her breakfast, lunch, dinner, gave her a bath, changed her diaper every two hours from 7a to 7p, cleaned her feces and urine a million times and did the laundry. Not to mention listening to everything I need to know about bananas. I acknowledge that getting her back in the bed is hard work. And? I should be more understanding though. I wasn't here last night. She was. And sometimes Clara won't let you move her. I do get that. I'm more frustrated here sometimes than I allow myself to admit. The thing about the couch though is that I don't want the couch to become the new bed. The place where she stays for a week until I or maybe another caregiver moves her. I only know what goes on here during the week through the notes because I'm usually at Debra's during that time. But enough about last night.
I pray that this will be an easy day with Clara. Yesterday was pretty easy. Stealing moments to write about it helped. Did you read the last blog entry, Therman? Do you remember the nurse I was talking about? The one at the hospice in Georgia?
Clara is talking in her sleep again. That makes me feel weird a little bit. Hearing her sleep words. I meant what I said about that yesterday. That is so private. It's like walking in on someone wiping themselves in the bathroom or something.
Almost my whole check last week went to my rent. You know how it is moving into L.A. apartments. That and the fact I had to pay full rent and utilities in my old place in the same month put a pucker my finances to the tune of my phone being off this whole week, until Friday. That's cool though. I'm in my place, the car is running well and I have the hours I need at work and Friday is coming. And everyone who needs to reach me has my client's info. Of course that list is very short. My son, Lynette, D, my mom. Everyone else can find me oline. Go Facebook! Go hotmail! Go yahoo!
And Red Stories is this Saturday! Yes! I'm always uber excited about Red Stories. This month Shay Fresh is featuring with me. Also Brad said he was coming. I'll send him a message tonight to see if he will get on stage and tell a story. I know he has plenty. Other than Brad as a surprise hopefully special guest, I think I'm going to keep Saturday night to just Shay and me on stage. I've got to do some more promoting this week.
8:12am
Just looked at the paper. Front page: Norway. Amy Winehouse. I can't stop reading.
9:32am
I just gave Clara her bath and noticed that the scab on her leg that I reported yesterday is very bloody today. Also reported a bruise on her right arm that was and is bleeding. Expecting nurse today. She said this morning that one of the caregivers squeezed and twisted her arm and that's how her arm was injured.
C: 85 people killed?! Good God!
She just read the headlines in the paper. She is sitting up now on the couch with her tray of breakfast, juice and coffee.
What I really feel for with the elderly who live alone are their complaints of abuse going unrecognized. Clara is constantly accusing me and others of stealing from her, lying to her and hiding things from her and I know that I am not abusing her in any way. She has said really mean things to me and has greatly gotten on my nerves. I have never, however and would never abuse her in any way. Of course though, I can only speak for myself. Now I don't think any of my coworkers would abuse her either but I can't say for sure because I'm not here. I walked into the room once and Clara was lifting a lamp above her head. I caught her and took the lamp before anything happened, but what if I walked into the room a minute later? Her head would have been bruised and I would have been the only staff on duty and her story probably would have been that I hit her on the head. Or something like that. I don't like being under 24 hour camera watch when I'm at Debra's but I sure understand where her family is coming from. Also it protects me. If Debra ever said I did this or that to her we can always go to the tapes.
10:17am
I called the agency and reported the bleeding bruises.
10:39am
C: 85 people?! Can you believe that? Do I have a diaper on?
Me: Yes.
C: I have to go now!
Me: Ok.
C: It's not gonna leak?
Me: No.
C: Can I sue you?
Me: You can try.
C: (laughs) So what ever happened to Zsa Zsa?
Me: I don't know.
C: Boy, they sure hushed that situation up, didn't they?
Me: Sure did.
C: Whatever happened to my lamp? (The one I saw her lifting above her head. I took it and put it in her back room.)
Me: I think Helen (her niece) put it in your back room. She said it wasn't working.
C: Well how would she know unless she was trying to keep it for herself?
Me: Hmmmm.
11:02am
Me: Who twisted your arm right there?
C: I don't know what she looked like. And I certainly wouldn't want to accuse the wrong person.
Me: Certainly.
C: But she used such foul language. Don't you know anyone you work with who uses such language?
Me: No.
C: Blond.
Me: Excuse me?
C: She was a blond.
Me: Here is your medication.
C: Oh, I haven't had my medication in so long. So this one is what?
Me: For calcium.
C: And what is this for?
Me: Stool softener.
C: Put it in my mouth?
Me: Yes.
C: And this one is the same thing? Two of them?
Me: Yes.
C: Then why aren't they working?
Me: Oh, they are.
C: How do you know so much?
Me: I clean it up.
C: (laughs) Then you would remember that. (pause) Oh, look at that! 85 people! Can you believe that?
I have to move the paper. She asks for it often if it's not right there next to her and if the front page is not on top then that caregiver is stealing from her. Today I will risk being the theiving caregiver because I don't want her to keep reading that story. It was hard enough for me to read it. And I don't want her to keep saying it out loud.
The kitchen sink is stopped up so I've been washing dishes one by one in the bathroom sink. It irrated me that the dishes from last night were still here. She just left like the dishes were going to do themselves. That's cool. I won't be here tomorrow. Although I wish I was going to be here tomorrow. Debra's case is a 24 hour case and I much prefer going home every night than sleeping somewhere else days at a time. The 24 hour cases are getting played out for me. I don't want to cancel them now because I need to get caught up on a few things. Plus I want to be a few months ahead on my rent and I want to give Uraeus a lot more.
I need to sleep. I don't remember the last time I went to sleep and I didn't have to get up early the next morning.
Me: Let me change you.
C: Well, in a minute, if I decide to let go of what I'm holding onto.
Me: Let it go, let it go.
C: You think I should?
Me: Definetely.
C: Well, you're the boss of these things.
Me: (thinking) I am the boss of shit.
11:51am
It's super quiet in here. She's sitting on the couch reading the paper from cover to cover.
Dear L.A. Times,
Thank you for your thick Sunday editions. Seriously.
I was so sleepy a little while ago. I drank some coffee and dozed off a bit right here at the kitchen table. The quick nap plus the coffee helped.
What pieces am I doing for Red Stories on Saturday? Why isn't Uraeus answering his phone? Did Lynette go to church today? Am I losing weight, 'cause these pants feel kinda baggy? Is there any more wine left at the apartment? That table is dusty over there. I better wait until she goes to sleep though. If I start dusting, she's gonna want me to mop the floor and paint the walls and retar the roof. I wonder if Aquiah posted a new entry in her blog. It's really good.
12:03pm
C: Help! Help! Help!
Me: I'm right here.
C: Would you open the window to let some fresh air in?
Me: Sure.
C: Can you believe that man walked in and said "You're gonna die"?
Me: That was so sad.
C: Turn on the television so I can see the news.
Me: Ok. Let me change you.
I changed her and she was only slightly wet. I guess yesterday was bm day. Cool. Changing her also gave me an opportunity to put the front page under the stack of papers.
C: What ever happened to Zsa Zsa? You know she had her right leg removed.
Me: Yeah?
C: I think she called the papers and demanded that they not say anything about it.
Me: You think she has that much power?
C: Oh sure. And the media respects her and they will do what she says. And also she's very rich you know.
12:31pm
C: Do I have a diaper on?
Me: Yes you do.
C: I did? I'm asking if I do now.
Me: You do now.
Yesterday Clara told me that she and her husband were divorced when her son was only four. She said she remembered standing in front of the judge.
C: He had a bit of a problem with alcohol and it never got better. You know, someone asked Oprah why she never got married and do you know what she said?
Me: No.
C: She said she liked her privacy. That's what I will say if someone asks me why I didn't get married again. I like my privacy. I did all my own work you know. All of it.
Me: Yes I know. That's great.
Dear Uraeus,
Every day of your life, make sure someone else's life is better in some way. That is how you have a great life. That is what matters.
Love Mom
C: Hellooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Do you like that picture?
Me: Yes. It's beautiful.
C: I bought that picture from Barker Brothers and it was on the floor. Do you believe that?
Dear Uraeus,
Make your life bigger than yourself.
Love Mom
With everything going on in the world, who I am in this moment, a caregiver sitting on Clara's couch talking about the picture on her wall, is not so big. If big or small is really a measurement at all. If important or irrevelant mean anything at all. But because of who I am in this moment, a caregiver sitting on Clara's couch, discussing the picture on her wall, a painting I am not particualarly imprssed with by the way, Clara is not hurt. She has someone to listen to her. This is my opportunity to cause somebody's moment to probably be better than it would have been. Or at least my opportunity to have my life, my moment, be about someone else.
1:43pm
She is still sleeping.
I talked to Lynette and was glad to hear that she had a good day at church.
Called my mother and Uraeus was with her. They went to church together and afterwards they went to Sizzler to eat. Mrs. Clinton was in the car when I called my mother and it reminded me of when I was my son's age spending time at church and then to eat and then to take Mrs. Clinton home. Mrs. Clinton was my grandmother's friend and she makes me think of my grandmother. I look at her and wonder what she would be like now. She passed away June 97 and Uraeus was born November 97. Mrs. Clinton ate at Sizzler with Uraeus in my grandmother's place.
Lynette called and may take Uraeus with her to pick up the twins from her father's house in Laguna Beach. Lynette and I were pregnant at the same time with our boys. The twins were a month premature so they were born in October. I used to babysit all three babies while Lynette and her husband were at work.
4:30pm
C: Help! Help!
Me: I'm right here.
C: What time is it?
Me: It's 4:30.
C: Well why am I up so early?
Me: It's 4:30 in the evening.
C: What day is it?
Me: Sunday.
C: Well, I didn't even go to church?
Me: No.
C: You know I'm English.
Me: Yes I know.
C: They were the first ones to abolish slavery you know.
Me: Really?
C: Oh yes. The English are good people. Very liberal. You know Jesus was liberal.
Me: Hmmm.
C: I go to an Episcipal church.
Me: Yes I know.
C: Not one of those churches where they scream at you. Where you brought up in the church?
Me: Yes.
C: Episcipal?
Me: No. A Baptist church.
C: How could you go to a baptist church? I wouldn't touch a baptist church with a ten foot pole! All that screaming and hollering at you. And they are so conservative. No, that's not good. You should talk to your minister and ask him what he thinks about the baptist church compared to the episcipal church.
Me: Ok.
C: What's your minister' name?
Me: Henry Ford. (of course he passed away in 87)
C: I don't know him. I was just trying to see if he was a leader or not.
Me: (thinking) He was more of a leader than you will ever know.
C: Can I have coffee?
Me: Sure.
C: (while I am in the kitchen) How can anyone be a baptist? I wouldn't touch a baptist church with a ten foot pole.
Awwwww! I have the best friends! D said she was sick of not being able to reach me and turned my phone on.
5:11pm
Less than two hours to go.
C: You know, I think because I'm accustomed to going to church on Sundays is why the time is all thrown off in my head.
Me: That must be it.
C: That was good soup. Thank you.
Me: You're welcome.
C: They sure make weak coffee here though, don't they?
Me: They sure do.
C: Oh my goodness! 85 people!
They are talking about the massacre now on the news. How incrediblly sad. Those were children. I should be making coffee. I have to unfreeze myself to make coffee important right now. This is just horrible.
6:07pm
C: Help! Help! Help!
Me: I'm right here.
C: I'm having a bm.
Me: Ok.
C: Well, help me do something about it! I haven't had a bowel movement in a whole month you know.
Me: Well, you had three yesterday and two today.
C: Well, that's what you say but I've been having bowel movements a lot longer than you have and I know a thing or two more than you do about the topic!
Me: Ok.
C: Well?
Me: Well what?
C: Aren't you going to give me some good advice?
Me: What would you like me to say?
C: Well, you could say "just push it right along and keep helping it as it comes."
Me: Ok. Do you want some water?
C: Well, sure. Everyone needs water. Don't you even know that?
Me: Ok.
C: Help! Help! Help!
Me: Clara.
C: I'm slumping too far down in the couch. Stand behind me and pull me all the way up!
Me: One. Two. Three!
C: Whew! Thanks.
Me: No problem.
C: You're so big and strong. I can see now why they selected you for me.
Me: Wow.
C: Oh boy! Nothing is more tiresome than lying here doing nothing.
Me: Nothing more.
He stood above me at first. I sat at the desk at the computer and as the young man spoke, the young man who was about the same age as my son, Uraeus watched and listened to him speak and slowly sat his almost fourteen years big ole self on my lap. And he wasn't heavy. He was my son. And so was the young man speaking, way away right next door in Norway, my son.
That wasn't the only situation that had me in tears yesterday though. Amy Winehouse passed away. What a precious gift to the word. Wow. My pen. This prophet pen. I meant to write what a precious gift to the world and wrote word instead. And she was indeed. A precious gift to the word. She sang her stories as richly and as truthfully as a human being can sing her story. And that voice. I am too lazy in the moment to work for words to describe her voice. That touched me. Here.
Clara is sleeping on the couch. I have my feelings about her sleeping on the couch. I don't like it. My first impulse is to judge the caregiver from last shift for not putting her in her wheelchair and pushing her back to her room then putting her in the bed. Yes it's hard work. But it's hard work from me too. Yesterday I made her breakfast, lunch, dinner, gave her a bath, changed her diaper every two hours from 7a to 7p, cleaned her feces and urine a million times and did the laundry. Not to mention listening to everything I need to know about bananas. I acknowledge that getting her back in the bed is hard work. And? I should be more understanding though. I wasn't here last night. She was. And sometimes Clara won't let you move her. I do get that. I'm more frustrated here sometimes than I allow myself to admit. The thing about the couch though is that I don't want the couch to become the new bed. The place where she stays for a week until I or maybe another caregiver moves her. I only know what goes on here during the week through the notes because I'm usually at Debra's during that time. But enough about last night.
I pray that this will be an easy day with Clara. Yesterday was pretty easy. Stealing moments to write about it helped. Did you read the last blog entry, Therman? Do you remember the nurse I was talking about? The one at the hospice in Georgia?
Clara is talking in her sleep again. That makes me feel weird a little bit. Hearing her sleep words. I meant what I said about that yesterday. That is so private. It's like walking in on someone wiping themselves in the bathroom or something.
Almost my whole check last week went to my rent. You know how it is moving into L.A. apartments. That and the fact I had to pay full rent and utilities in my old place in the same month put a pucker my finances to the tune of my phone being off this whole week, until Friday. That's cool though. I'm in my place, the car is running well and I have the hours I need at work and Friday is coming. And everyone who needs to reach me has my client's info. Of course that list is very short. My son, Lynette, D, my mom. Everyone else can find me oline. Go Facebook! Go hotmail! Go yahoo!
And Red Stories is this Saturday! Yes! I'm always uber excited about Red Stories. This month Shay Fresh is featuring with me. Also Brad said he was coming. I'll send him a message tonight to see if he will get on stage and tell a story. I know he has plenty. Other than Brad as a surprise hopefully special guest, I think I'm going to keep Saturday night to just Shay and me on stage. I've got to do some more promoting this week.
8:12am
Just looked at the paper. Front page: Norway. Amy Winehouse. I can't stop reading.
9:32am
I just gave Clara her bath and noticed that the scab on her leg that I reported yesterday is very bloody today. Also reported a bruise on her right arm that was and is bleeding. Expecting nurse today. She said this morning that one of the caregivers squeezed and twisted her arm and that's how her arm was injured.
C: 85 people killed?! Good God!
She just read the headlines in the paper. She is sitting up now on the couch with her tray of breakfast, juice and coffee.
What I really feel for with the elderly who live alone are their complaints of abuse going unrecognized. Clara is constantly accusing me and others of stealing from her, lying to her and hiding things from her and I know that I am not abusing her in any way. She has said really mean things to me and has greatly gotten on my nerves. I have never, however and would never abuse her in any way. Of course though, I can only speak for myself. Now I don't think any of my coworkers would abuse her either but I can't say for sure because I'm not here. I walked into the room once and Clara was lifting a lamp above her head. I caught her and took the lamp before anything happened, but what if I walked into the room a minute later? Her head would have been bruised and I would have been the only staff on duty and her story probably would have been that I hit her on the head. Or something like that. I don't like being under 24 hour camera watch when I'm at Debra's but I sure understand where her family is coming from. Also it protects me. If Debra ever said I did this or that to her we can always go to the tapes.
10:17am
I called the agency and reported the bleeding bruises.
10:39am
C: 85 people?! Can you believe that? Do I have a diaper on?
Me: Yes.
C: I have to go now!
Me: Ok.
C: It's not gonna leak?
Me: No.
C: Can I sue you?
Me: You can try.
C: (laughs) So what ever happened to Zsa Zsa?
Me: I don't know.
C: Boy, they sure hushed that situation up, didn't they?
Me: Sure did.
C: Whatever happened to my lamp? (The one I saw her lifting above her head. I took it and put it in her back room.)
Me: I think Helen (her niece) put it in your back room. She said it wasn't working.
C: Well how would she know unless she was trying to keep it for herself?
Me: Hmmmm.
11:02am
Me: Who twisted your arm right there?
C: I don't know what she looked like. And I certainly wouldn't want to accuse the wrong person.
Me: Certainly.
C: But she used such foul language. Don't you know anyone you work with who uses such language?
Me: No.
C: Blond.
Me: Excuse me?
C: She was a blond.
Me: Here is your medication.
C: Oh, I haven't had my medication in so long. So this one is what?
Me: For calcium.
C: And what is this for?
Me: Stool softener.
C: Put it in my mouth?
Me: Yes.
C: And this one is the same thing? Two of them?
Me: Yes.
C: Then why aren't they working?
Me: Oh, they are.
C: How do you know so much?
Me: I clean it up.
C: (laughs) Then you would remember that. (pause) Oh, look at that! 85 people! Can you believe that?
I have to move the paper. She asks for it often if it's not right there next to her and if the front page is not on top then that caregiver is stealing from her. Today I will risk being the theiving caregiver because I don't want her to keep reading that story. It was hard enough for me to read it. And I don't want her to keep saying it out loud.
The kitchen sink is stopped up so I've been washing dishes one by one in the bathroom sink. It irrated me that the dishes from last night were still here. She just left like the dishes were going to do themselves. That's cool. I won't be here tomorrow. Although I wish I was going to be here tomorrow. Debra's case is a 24 hour case and I much prefer going home every night than sleeping somewhere else days at a time. The 24 hour cases are getting played out for me. I don't want to cancel them now because I need to get caught up on a few things. Plus I want to be a few months ahead on my rent and I want to give Uraeus a lot more.
I need to sleep. I don't remember the last time I went to sleep and I didn't have to get up early the next morning.
Me: Let me change you.
C: Well, in a minute, if I decide to let go of what I'm holding onto.
Me: Let it go, let it go.
C: You think I should?
Me: Definetely.
C: Well, you're the boss of these things.
Me: (thinking) I am the boss of shit.
11:51am
It's super quiet in here. She's sitting on the couch reading the paper from cover to cover.
Dear L.A. Times,
Thank you for your thick Sunday editions. Seriously.
I was so sleepy a little while ago. I drank some coffee and dozed off a bit right here at the kitchen table. The quick nap plus the coffee helped.
What pieces am I doing for Red Stories on Saturday? Why isn't Uraeus answering his phone? Did Lynette go to church today? Am I losing weight, 'cause these pants feel kinda baggy? Is there any more wine left at the apartment? That table is dusty over there. I better wait until she goes to sleep though. If I start dusting, she's gonna want me to mop the floor and paint the walls and retar the roof. I wonder if Aquiah posted a new entry in her blog. It's really good.
12:03pm
C: Help! Help! Help!
Me: I'm right here.
C: Would you open the window to let some fresh air in?
Me: Sure.
C: Can you believe that man walked in and said "You're gonna die"?
Me: That was so sad.
C: Turn on the television so I can see the news.
Me: Ok. Let me change you.
I changed her and she was only slightly wet. I guess yesterday was bm day. Cool. Changing her also gave me an opportunity to put the front page under the stack of papers.
C: What ever happened to Zsa Zsa? You know she had her right leg removed.
Me: Yeah?
C: I think she called the papers and demanded that they not say anything about it.
Me: You think she has that much power?
C: Oh sure. And the media respects her and they will do what she says. And also she's very rich you know.
12:31pm
C: Do I have a diaper on?
Me: Yes you do.
C: I did? I'm asking if I do now.
Me: You do now.
Yesterday Clara told me that she and her husband were divorced when her son was only four. She said she remembered standing in front of the judge.
C: He had a bit of a problem with alcohol and it never got better. You know, someone asked Oprah why she never got married and do you know what she said?
Me: No.
C: She said she liked her privacy. That's what I will say if someone asks me why I didn't get married again. I like my privacy. I did all my own work you know. All of it.
Me: Yes I know. That's great.
Dear Uraeus,
Every day of your life, make sure someone else's life is better in some way. That is how you have a great life. That is what matters.
Love Mom
C: Hellooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Do you like that picture?
Me: Yes. It's beautiful.
C: I bought that picture from Barker Brothers and it was on the floor. Do you believe that?
Dear Uraeus,
Make your life bigger than yourself.
Love Mom
With everything going on in the world, who I am in this moment, a caregiver sitting on Clara's couch talking about the picture on her wall, is not so big. If big or small is really a measurement at all. If important or irrevelant mean anything at all. But because of who I am in this moment, a caregiver sitting on Clara's couch, discussing the picture on her wall, a painting I am not particualarly imprssed with by the way, Clara is not hurt. She has someone to listen to her. This is my opportunity to cause somebody's moment to probably be better than it would have been. Or at least my opportunity to have my life, my moment, be about someone else.
1:43pm
She is still sleeping.
I talked to Lynette and was glad to hear that she had a good day at church.
Called my mother and Uraeus was with her. They went to church together and afterwards they went to Sizzler to eat. Mrs. Clinton was in the car when I called my mother and it reminded me of when I was my son's age spending time at church and then to eat and then to take Mrs. Clinton home. Mrs. Clinton was my grandmother's friend and she makes me think of my grandmother. I look at her and wonder what she would be like now. She passed away June 97 and Uraeus was born November 97. Mrs. Clinton ate at Sizzler with Uraeus in my grandmother's place.
Lynette called and may take Uraeus with her to pick up the twins from her father's house in Laguna Beach. Lynette and I were pregnant at the same time with our boys. The twins were a month premature so they were born in October. I used to babysit all three babies while Lynette and her husband were at work.
4:30pm
C: Help! Help!
Me: I'm right here.
C: What time is it?
Me: It's 4:30.
C: Well why am I up so early?
Me: It's 4:30 in the evening.
C: What day is it?
Me: Sunday.
C: Well, I didn't even go to church?
Me: No.
C: You know I'm English.
Me: Yes I know.
C: They were the first ones to abolish slavery you know.
Me: Really?
C: Oh yes. The English are good people. Very liberal. You know Jesus was liberal.
Me: Hmmm.
C: I go to an Episcipal church.
Me: Yes I know.
C: Not one of those churches where they scream at you. Where you brought up in the church?
Me: Yes.
C: Episcipal?
Me: No. A Baptist church.
C: How could you go to a baptist church? I wouldn't touch a baptist church with a ten foot pole! All that screaming and hollering at you. And they are so conservative. No, that's not good. You should talk to your minister and ask him what he thinks about the baptist church compared to the episcipal church.
Me: Ok.
C: What's your minister' name?
Me: Henry Ford. (of course he passed away in 87)
C: I don't know him. I was just trying to see if he was a leader or not.
Me: (thinking) He was more of a leader than you will ever know.
C: Can I have coffee?
Me: Sure.
C: (while I am in the kitchen) How can anyone be a baptist? I wouldn't touch a baptist church with a ten foot pole.
Awwwww! I have the best friends! D said she was sick of not being able to reach me and turned my phone on.
5:11pm
Less than two hours to go.
C: You know, I think because I'm accustomed to going to church on Sundays is why the time is all thrown off in my head.
Me: That must be it.
C: That was good soup. Thank you.
Me: You're welcome.
C: They sure make weak coffee here though, don't they?
Me: They sure do.
C: Oh my goodness! 85 people!
They are talking about the massacre now on the news. How incrediblly sad. Those were children. I should be making coffee. I have to unfreeze myself to make coffee important right now. This is just horrible.
6:07pm
C: Help! Help! Help!
Me: I'm right here.
C: I'm having a bm.
Me: Ok.
C: Well, help me do something about it! I haven't had a bowel movement in a whole month you know.
Me: Well, you had three yesterday and two today.
C: Well, that's what you say but I've been having bowel movements a lot longer than you have and I know a thing or two more than you do about the topic!
Me: Ok.
C: Well?
Me: Well what?
C: Aren't you going to give me some good advice?
Me: What would you like me to say?
C: Well, you could say "just push it right along and keep helping it as it comes."
Me: Ok. Do you want some water?
C: Well, sure. Everyone needs water. Don't you even know that?
Me: Ok.
C: Help! Help! Help!
Me: Clara.
C: I'm slumping too far down in the couch. Stand behind me and pull me all the way up!
Me: One. Two. Three!
C: Whew! Thanks.
Me: No problem.
C: You're so big and strong. I can see now why they selected you for me.
Me: Wow.
C: Oh boy! Nothing is more tiresome than lying here doing nothing.
Me: Nothing more.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
My day at Clara's
Today I'm at Clara's house. My new least favorite client. I read the notes from the other caregivers since I was last here last Saturday. It looks like she's been giving everyone quite a time.
I'm feeling good this morning. After I left Debra's yesterday morning at about 8 I went to Palmdale to pick up my son. We spent a little time in the house laughing with family and then headed down to Los Angeles. I haven't been in my new home since the 15th, my first night there. It felt great walking in with Uraeus. My roommate D, Lynette and Laura came by later. My three girls! We laughed and had a great time and they all loved up on Uraeus. They have all known him since he was very young. Lynette has known him since I was pregnant with him.
Uraeus loves comedy. We went into the backroom and watched old comedy videos and I enjoyed listening to him laugh. I remember my aunt/friend Val saying that she wanted to raise boys she could be friends with later. I feel that way. Uraeus is a person I could be friends with. He is someone I can laugh with, talk with. At his age I am giving instruction and discipline. And we still find plenty of time to laugh. We still talk. I like where he is growing.
I feel free this morning. We woke up early because I had to take him down to Long Beach and then be in Los Feliz by 7. We left L.A. at 5:30 but I still feel very awake. Very ready for the day. Things are good in my head. Things are good in my life. I would like more time to hang out with my son but the time we are spending is quality for sure. I get off tonight at 7 and we will spend another evening together and start over tomorrow when I'm scheduled to be back here at Clara's at 7.
10:00am
Already I need to breathe. Clara is being...herself today. She is sitting at the breakfast table going through everything on the table accusing the caregivers of not giving her her medications and everything else she can possibly think of to complain about and accuse.
C: People today don't seem to want to read. Weren't they taught to read? Technology isn't good for anything today. What is this?
Me: It's the gift card for your groceries.
C: But it says I owe $32.98. I didn't know anything about owing Trader Joe's $32.98. How am I supposed to know I owe Trader Joe's $32.98?
Me: You don't owe them $32.98. That's a gift card. We use that card to get your groceries. $32.98 is how much money is left on the card.
C: Well how would I know that if I'm the one who has to go and get the groceries? Who am I supposed to make the check out to? I don't even know if that's the correct amount.
(And so on.)
C: I need to have a meeting about the suppositories and such that aren't being given. I have a new card here from DMV and it expires next month and it's not quite that yet.
I talk when I can but mostly I let her go on. I haven't been here in a week and she hasn't been out of bed in a few days. Mail is lightly stacked on the table and she is going through each item.
I gave her her morning medication. After she took her medication I went to the restroom.
C: Helloooo! Helloooooo!
Me: Just a minute, I'm in the restroom!
C: What!?! Whaaaaaat!?
Me: I'm in the restroom!
C: Well, bring the telephone in here when you come out!
Me: (sitting next to her) What do you need to call the doctor about?
C: Because I took the wrong medication and I need to let the doctor know.
Me: You didn't take the wrong medication. I gave it to you myself.
C: Well I feel it burning in my throat.
Me: Then here, drink some more water.
C: But it says here that this is supposed to be stool softener and I swallowed it and now my throat is burning.
Me: You're supposed to take the stool softener by mouth.
C: No you're not! Who would put stool softener in their mouth? Call the doctor! Call the doctor!
Me: See, look. It says right here.
C: So you think I need some more water?
Me: Yes.
She drank the water and we are on to the next topic of the day. She is reading the newspaper so there will be many topics.
C: Do you wanna buy a three bedroom condo with a pool in Pasadena for only $380,000?
Me: No, thank you. I have a place to live.
C: Well, I'm not reading it to you for you to buy. I'm just keeping myself informed about what's going on everywhere.
Now I'm thinking about how I'm going to remove the phone from the table so she won't get any other ideas about calling anyone else.
This is cool. I never write this much while I'm with her. It helps. There is other work to do and eight more hours on the shift to do it.
I'm watching the ABC kids time on television. The Emperor's New School is coming on now. I've never seen this before but it looks silly enough for me to keep it on. It is a change from the Law and Order I would be watching if I was with Debra.
I gotta get her away from the table because now she has the bottle of stool softener in her hands again. I anticipate her next move will be to either open the bottle or look for the doctor's number again. But then, she looks deep in the paper still.
Ok Jaha, get up. This blog entry is going to get boring fast (if not already) if I keep sitting here with my notebook and pen in my hand.
Yawn. That's me. Really yawning. Already my head is dreaming about next Friday being off and going school shopping with Uraeus and to the movies. And maybe skating. We haven't been skating in a while.
This cartoon might be too silly for me.
Seriously Jaha, get up.
1:12pm
Haaaaa. She's so funny. So when she's irritated she asks me to call her friend Mary so she can talk to her. Mary has a caregiver too and when they are on the phone together they talk bad about their caregivers. Interesting because neither of them would be able to talk to each other if the caregivers didn't make the call.
C: Helloooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Where are my cushions that go to the sofa?
Me: These right here?
C: Well those are cushions aren't they? They cost over a thousand dollars.
Me: K.
It's almost time for lunch. I don't know what that will be yet though.
It's interesting you know (I've got to find a better word than interesting) how the people in charge of our most intimate care get treated so disrespectfully. I'm not just speaking of Clara here, but of her and all of my clients and everyone who needs someone else to wipe and clean and care for them. These are the people many of them choose to speak to as if they (we) are nothing.
Take Clara for instance, she speaks so badly about Mexicans. "What do they know about cleanliness? Why would I ever eat anything they cook?" Her verbal attacks on Mexicans are super harsh. Yet who does she think most of her caregivers are? Mexicans. I wouldn't be surprised if when I leave she talks about black people worse.
I was talking to a coworker recently and she told me about
C: Do I have a diaper on?!
Me: Yes you do.
C: Well I'm doing it now. Wee wee.
Me: Ok.
She was telling me about one of her clients. He's one hundred years old and white. She (my coworker) is a a Mexican and full sized woman. That sounds crazy. Like there are half sized women. Anyway the woman she works in the house with is a black woman. He, according to him, can never remember her name so he calls her Herculeus. Wow. One day he called for her and said, "Hey Herculeus, where is my coon?" Yes he did.
2:15pm
I just came from the laundryroom downstairs and immediately cleaned Clara, washed all the feces off of her buttocks and put a new pair of "briefs" on her.
She is sleeping now and looks so peaceful. I wonder what she dreams about. Is she back in Paris, her mother's hometown? Is she in San Francisco, where she grew up? Is she dancing with her son who passed away at only twenty-seven? Fought in the Vietnam War. Lost to agent orange. She talks in her sleep. Words I can't make out. I don't try. Words said in someone's sleep belong to them. Even if you are there. The are not your words. I may not like Clara sometimes, but I am decent enough to not hear her sleep words.
Hey Therman, this is for you because perhaps you are the only one who ever reads my blog. Remember when we were in the house in Georgia and I worked at the hospice? Remember the nurse I used to tell you about everyday? The mean one. The one who used to be so rough with the old woman with all the bed sores. I thought about her today. Silently I said a prayer for her. As if any prayer is ever silent. But I said a prayer for her and patients in her care. The staff in her charge. The people who share working space with her. I don't know why, but I did. I wished peace and ease for her.
I was there. I know how it is to be around
C: Are you making a grocery list?
Me: No, I'm not. Would you like me to?
C: Yes, put pasta sauce on there.
Me: Ok.
I know how it is to be around that much death, sickness and pain. As caregivers, we take that in. Too often we wear it and carry it with us where we go. I have God. I have you. I have friends, my son, my family, merlot. I have art and poetry, photography, laughter and Red Stories.
I prayed today that she has someone, something that feeds her. That gives to her.
Just four hours left.
C: Is that a grocery list you're writing?
Me: No, it's not. Would you like to write a grocery list?
C: No. I was gonna say tell them to get graham crackers.
Me: Those are graham crackers you're eating.
C: No it's not. I know a graham cracker when I taste one and those are not graham crackers. They are something else. Did they change the recipie? Are you sure those are graham crackers?
Me: That's what the package says.
C: The package says that? I am an old old person and any old person knows what graham crackers taste like. They must have closed the original company and started a new one. You say those are graham crackers?
Me: Yes.
C: Those are like a mix between a regular cracker and a graham cracker. Certainly not a full complete cracker. Where is my mail?
Me: I gave you your mail. There it is.
C: All this mail?
Less than four hours to go and I'll be leaving Los Feliz and going to Long Beach to see my favorite person in the world. Uraeus.
When he was a little boy I used to say that to him every night.
C: Did you read this about bananas?
Me: No.
C: It says that bananas are rich in potasium. A banana will keep your heart healthy and strong and they will sinch the amount of salt in your body. So if you've had too much salt then eat bananas. It can alter the course of aging by eating bananas. They keep your mind healthy and your body slim and vigorous. Did you hear that?
Me: Yes I did, thank you.
C: Well I've always known that.
I used to put Uraeus to bed and say "Who is my favorite person in the world?" And he would say "Me."
C: A banana a day will reduce sodium. I've always known that bananas are the healthiest vegetables.
Me: (thinking) I thought bananas were fruit.
Now Uraeus is taller than I am with his deep voice and big hands and long feet. Hairy legs and fuzz on his lip. And still my favorite person.
Uraeus was taking some things out of my trunk last night and my new landlord came out and gave him my mailbox key. He came upstairs and said, "You know, he looks partially like Uncle Therman and partially like Uncle Herman." I didn't notice before, but he does. My observant son.
So, I did a lot of writing today. And a lot of work and the day was easy. I need a massage. I'm lifting Clara too much for my back. It's a strain on my back every time I change her and especially when I lift her from her bed to her chair. Then from her chair to the couch.
C: Helloooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Can I do a bm in this diaper?
Me: Yes you can.
C: Hellooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Are you interested in hearing something?
Me: Sure.
C: (clears her throat) It says that a banana a day can reduce sodium and cholesterol. It is one of the healthiest things you can eat you know. It's very good for you. Just one banana a day can do that much.
In about ten minutes I'll go downstairs and get the laundry from the dryers.
Dear Clara's family,
It's not that I don't enjoy watching and listening to infomercials all day. Hey, I like to stay up on the new juicers as much as the next woman, buuuuut, maybe think about gettng basic cable for your aunt. I think she would be much happier being able to watch, I dunno saaaaay, Law and Order around this time. Think about it.
Thanks. Have a nice day.
3:45pm
Gotta go get the laundry.
C: Hellooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: I have to have a bm! Can I go in my diaper?
Me: Yes.
C: Are you sure?
Me: I'm sure. You can go. Let me know when you are finished.
C: Hurry! I don't want to soil my pants. I'm going now! I'm going now!
Me: It's ok. It won't leak onto your pants and I'll clean you when you finish.
C: Well you have more experience then I do I guess. I don't think I'm going to have a bm, just wee wee. I can't seem to have a bm today. I don't think I'm getting all my medication. I didn't even get any today!
Me: Yes you did. I gave it to you.
C: Did I take it?
Me: Yes.
C: Ok.
I cleaned her feces, changed her diaper and dressed her.
C: I just don't seem to be able to have a bm. I don't know what's wrong.
Me: You just had a bm. For the third time today.
C: Well you say that but I don't know how much.
Me: Two small ones and one big one.
C: Oh yeah. Well, that's good.
Ok, Judge Joe Brown is on and there is a black defendant being sued by his white ex girlfriend/children's mother. The defendant is wearing a bunch of jewelry and telling the judge his reasons why he hasn't been able to pay back the plantiff.
I'm waiting for Clara to say something about him. I know it's coming.
Surprisingly, no comment.
It's 4:12pm. Let me fold the rest of the laundry.
Ok, I need to change the channel. On this case the plantiff and defendant are both white so she probably won't make any comment but still there is way too much drama going on.
Quiet time. Folding clothes. Judge Joe Brown.
C: (groaning)
Me: What's wrong?
C: Well what do you think is wrong? Everything is wrong. I'm trying to have a bowel movement and I'm hurting.
Me: What's hurting?
C: Well, the concern over not having had a bowel movement all this time. Get my doctor on the phone! I want some results around here. Do you think it's all in my head or something? A person is laying here trying to have a bowel movement and it's just very serious.
Me: Ok.
C: And I keep on asking and asking and asking! Will someone get me a wet cloth so I can wipe my face and put some makeup on?! Hellooooooo! Is anyone there!
(Now watching George Lopez)
C: I don't wanna watch something as silly as this. I'm sure you're not watching.
Me: What about this?
C: Well of course. That's I Love Lucy. That's a very good program. She died didn't she?
Me: Yes.
C: What about Zsa Zsa?
Me: Ummm?
C: Did she get her legs cut off?
Me: I don't know.
C: I never heard anything else about it. I think she got her legs cut off but she is so vain and rich that she called the people at the paper and demanded that they not tell anyone. I think that's what happened.
Me: I think so too.
C: Well sure. You know a woman like that doesn't want people to know.
Me: Oh sure.
C: Hellooooooo! Are you there?
Me: Yes.
C: Well would you put my eyebrows on and make them even?
Me: Sure.
C: Well I can just feel that that one is too low. You have to follow the bone structure you know. They have to be even you know. And not too heavy you know. I don't need dark eyebrows on with my complexion.
Me: How's that?
C: (Looks in mirror) Well it's too low. They don't match. Well just give it here.
Me: You need a new eyebrow pencil.
C: Just do it lightly. I don't need dark eyebrows. See, now I need a new eyebrow pencil. That's because you don't fix it after you use it you know.
Me: Of course.
C: (Putting on foundation, lipstick and mascara) Ummm, hellooooo! Do you have an extra eyebrow pencil?
I Love Lucy is over
C: They don't have any good programs like that anymore. Can you open this one up? (Her blush)
Me: Sure.
C: So you only have one eyebrow pencil, huh?
Me: Yes.
C: Oh, I have a lot of them at home. (She is home.)
I Love Lucy is on again.
C: They don't make good programs like that anymore you know.
The clothes are folded.
C: So what will you have for supper?
Me: Well, I'm going to go home for supper, but someone will be here soon.
C: Oh you live somewhere?
Me: Yes.
C: Oh that's good. Well it was sure nice of you to come over.
Me: Oh no problem.
C: Well I wasn't discussing if it was a problem or not. I was just saying it was sure nice.
I'm feeling good this morning. After I left Debra's yesterday morning at about 8 I went to Palmdale to pick up my son. We spent a little time in the house laughing with family and then headed down to Los Angeles. I haven't been in my new home since the 15th, my first night there. It felt great walking in with Uraeus. My roommate D, Lynette and Laura came by later. My three girls! We laughed and had a great time and they all loved up on Uraeus. They have all known him since he was very young. Lynette has known him since I was pregnant with him.
Uraeus loves comedy. We went into the backroom and watched old comedy videos and I enjoyed listening to him laugh. I remember my aunt/friend Val saying that she wanted to raise boys she could be friends with later. I feel that way. Uraeus is a person I could be friends with. He is someone I can laugh with, talk with. At his age I am giving instruction and discipline. And we still find plenty of time to laugh. We still talk. I like where he is growing.
I feel free this morning. We woke up early because I had to take him down to Long Beach and then be in Los Feliz by 7. We left L.A. at 5:30 but I still feel very awake. Very ready for the day. Things are good in my head. Things are good in my life. I would like more time to hang out with my son but the time we are spending is quality for sure. I get off tonight at 7 and we will spend another evening together and start over tomorrow when I'm scheduled to be back here at Clara's at 7.
10:00am
Already I need to breathe. Clara is being...herself today. She is sitting at the breakfast table going through everything on the table accusing the caregivers of not giving her her medications and everything else she can possibly think of to complain about and accuse.
C: People today don't seem to want to read. Weren't they taught to read? Technology isn't good for anything today. What is this?
Me: It's the gift card for your groceries.
C: But it says I owe $32.98. I didn't know anything about owing Trader Joe's $32.98. How am I supposed to know I owe Trader Joe's $32.98?
Me: You don't owe them $32.98. That's a gift card. We use that card to get your groceries. $32.98 is how much money is left on the card.
C: Well how would I know that if I'm the one who has to go and get the groceries? Who am I supposed to make the check out to? I don't even know if that's the correct amount.
(And so on.)
C: I need to have a meeting about the suppositories and such that aren't being given. I have a new card here from DMV and it expires next month and it's not quite that yet.
I talk when I can but mostly I let her go on. I haven't been here in a week and she hasn't been out of bed in a few days. Mail is lightly stacked on the table and she is going through each item.
I gave her her morning medication. After she took her medication I went to the restroom.
C: Helloooo! Helloooooo!
Me: Just a minute, I'm in the restroom!
C: What!?! Whaaaaaat!?
Me: I'm in the restroom!
C: Well, bring the telephone in here when you come out!
Me: (sitting next to her) What do you need to call the doctor about?
C: Because I took the wrong medication and I need to let the doctor know.
Me: You didn't take the wrong medication. I gave it to you myself.
C: Well I feel it burning in my throat.
Me: Then here, drink some more water.
C: But it says here that this is supposed to be stool softener and I swallowed it and now my throat is burning.
Me: You're supposed to take the stool softener by mouth.
C: No you're not! Who would put stool softener in their mouth? Call the doctor! Call the doctor!
Me: See, look. It says right here.
C: So you think I need some more water?
Me: Yes.
She drank the water and we are on to the next topic of the day. She is reading the newspaper so there will be many topics.
C: Do you wanna buy a three bedroom condo with a pool in Pasadena for only $380,000?
Me: No, thank you. I have a place to live.
C: Well, I'm not reading it to you for you to buy. I'm just keeping myself informed about what's going on everywhere.
Now I'm thinking about how I'm going to remove the phone from the table so she won't get any other ideas about calling anyone else.
This is cool. I never write this much while I'm with her. It helps. There is other work to do and eight more hours on the shift to do it.
I'm watching the ABC kids time on television. The Emperor's New School is coming on now. I've never seen this before but it looks silly enough for me to keep it on. It is a change from the Law and Order I would be watching if I was with Debra.
I gotta get her away from the table because now she has the bottle of stool softener in her hands again. I anticipate her next move will be to either open the bottle or look for the doctor's number again. But then, she looks deep in the paper still.
Ok Jaha, get up. This blog entry is going to get boring fast (if not already) if I keep sitting here with my notebook and pen in my hand.
Yawn. That's me. Really yawning. Already my head is dreaming about next Friday being off and going school shopping with Uraeus and to the movies. And maybe skating. We haven't been skating in a while.
This cartoon might be too silly for me.
Seriously Jaha, get up.
1:12pm
Haaaaa. She's so funny. So when she's irritated she asks me to call her friend Mary so she can talk to her. Mary has a caregiver too and when they are on the phone together they talk bad about their caregivers. Interesting because neither of them would be able to talk to each other if the caregivers didn't make the call.
C: Helloooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Where are my cushions that go to the sofa?
Me: These right here?
C: Well those are cushions aren't they? They cost over a thousand dollars.
Me: K.
It's almost time for lunch. I don't know what that will be yet though.
It's interesting you know (I've got to find a better word than interesting) how the people in charge of our most intimate care get treated so disrespectfully. I'm not just speaking of Clara here, but of her and all of my clients and everyone who needs someone else to wipe and clean and care for them. These are the people many of them choose to speak to as if they (we) are nothing.
Take Clara for instance, she speaks so badly about Mexicans. "What do they know about cleanliness? Why would I ever eat anything they cook?" Her verbal attacks on Mexicans are super harsh. Yet who does she think most of her caregivers are? Mexicans. I wouldn't be surprised if when I leave she talks about black people worse.
I was talking to a coworker recently and she told me about
C: Do I have a diaper on?!
Me: Yes you do.
C: Well I'm doing it now. Wee wee.
Me: Ok.
She was telling me about one of her clients. He's one hundred years old and white. She (my coworker) is a a Mexican and full sized woman. That sounds crazy. Like there are half sized women. Anyway the woman she works in the house with is a black woman. He, according to him, can never remember her name so he calls her Herculeus. Wow. One day he called for her and said, "Hey Herculeus, where is my coon?" Yes he did.
2:15pm
I just came from the laundryroom downstairs and immediately cleaned Clara, washed all the feces off of her buttocks and put a new pair of "briefs" on her.
She is sleeping now and looks so peaceful. I wonder what she dreams about. Is she back in Paris, her mother's hometown? Is she in San Francisco, where she grew up? Is she dancing with her son who passed away at only twenty-seven? Fought in the Vietnam War. Lost to agent orange. She talks in her sleep. Words I can't make out. I don't try. Words said in someone's sleep belong to them. Even if you are there. The are not your words. I may not like Clara sometimes, but I am decent enough to not hear her sleep words.
Hey Therman, this is for you because perhaps you are the only one who ever reads my blog. Remember when we were in the house in Georgia and I worked at the hospice? Remember the nurse I used to tell you about everyday? The mean one. The one who used to be so rough with the old woman with all the bed sores. I thought about her today. Silently I said a prayer for her. As if any prayer is ever silent. But I said a prayer for her and patients in her care. The staff in her charge. The people who share working space with her. I don't know why, but I did. I wished peace and ease for her.
I was there. I know how it is to be around
C: Are you making a grocery list?
Me: No, I'm not. Would you like me to?
C: Yes, put pasta sauce on there.
Me: Ok.
I know how it is to be around that much death, sickness and pain. As caregivers, we take that in. Too often we wear it and carry it with us where we go. I have God. I have you. I have friends, my son, my family, merlot. I have art and poetry, photography, laughter and Red Stories.
I prayed today that she has someone, something that feeds her. That gives to her.
Just four hours left.
C: Is that a grocery list you're writing?
Me: No, it's not. Would you like to write a grocery list?
C: No. I was gonna say tell them to get graham crackers.
Me: Those are graham crackers you're eating.
C: No it's not. I know a graham cracker when I taste one and those are not graham crackers. They are something else. Did they change the recipie? Are you sure those are graham crackers?
Me: That's what the package says.
C: The package says that? I am an old old person and any old person knows what graham crackers taste like. They must have closed the original company and started a new one. You say those are graham crackers?
Me: Yes.
C: Those are like a mix between a regular cracker and a graham cracker. Certainly not a full complete cracker. Where is my mail?
Me: I gave you your mail. There it is.
C: All this mail?
Less than four hours to go and I'll be leaving Los Feliz and going to Long Beach to see my favorite person in the world. Uraeus.
When he was a little boy I used to say that to him every night.
C: Did you read this about bananas?
Me: No.
C: It says that bananas are rich in potasium. A banana will keep your heart healthy and strong and they will sinch the amount of salt in your body. So if you've had too much salt then eat bananas. It can alter the course of aging by eating bananas. They keep your mind healthy and your body slim and vigorous. Did you hear that?
Me: Yes I did, thank you.
C: Well I've always known that.
I used to put Uraeus to bed and say "Who is my favorite person in the world?" And he would say "Me."
C: A banana a day will reduce sodium. I've always known that bananas are the healthiest vegetables.
Me: (thinking) I thought bananas were fruit.
Now Uraeus is taller than I am with his deep voice and big hands and long feet. Hairy legs and fuzz on his lip. And still my favorite person.
Uraeus was taking some things out of my trunk last night and my new landlord came out and gave him my mailbox key. He came upstairs and said, "You know, he looks partially like Uncle Therman and partially like Uncle Herman." I didn't notice before, but he does. My observant son.
So, I did a lot of writing today. And a lot of work and the day was easy. I need a massage. I'm lifting Clara too much for my back. It's a strain on my back every time I change her and especially when I lift her from her bed to her chair. Then from her chair to the couch.
C: Helloooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Can I do a bm in this diaper?
Me: Yes you can.
C: Hellooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: Are you interested in hearing something?
Me: Sure.
C: (clears her throat) It says that a banana a day can reduce sodium and cholesterol. It is one of the healthiest things you can eat you know. It's very good for you. Just one banana a day can do that much.
In about ten minutes I'll go downstairs and get the laundry from the dryers.
Dear Clara's family,
It's not that I don't enjoy watching and listening to infomercials all day. Hey, I like to stay up on the new juicers as much as the next woman, buuuuut, maybe think about gettng basic cable for your aunt. I think she would be much happier being able to watch, I dunno saaaaay, Law and Order around this time. Think about it.
Thanks. Have a nice day.
3:45pm
Gotta go get the laundry.
C: Hellooooo!
Me: Yes?
C: I have to have a bm! Can I go in my diaper?
Me: Yes.
C: Are you sure?
Me: I'm sure. You can go. Let me know when you are finished.
C: Hurry! I don't want to soil my pants. I'm going now! I'm going now!
Me: It's ok. It won't leak onto your pants and I'll clean you when you finish.
C: Well you have more experience then I do I guess. I don't think I'm going to have a bm, just wee wee. I can't seem to have a bm today. I don't think I'm getting all my medication. I didn't even get any today!
Me: Yes you did. I gave it to you.
C: Did I take it?
Me: Yes.
C: Ok.
I cleaned her feces, changed her diaper and dressed her.
C: I just don't seem to be able to have a bm. I don't know what's wrong.
Me: You just had a bm. For the third time today.
C: Well you say that but I don't know how much.
Me: Two small ones and one big one.
C: Oh yeah. Well, that's good.
Ok, Judge Joe Brown is on and there is a black defendant being sued by his white ex girlfriend/children's mother. The defendant is wearing a bunch of jewelry and telling the judge his reasons why he hasn't been able to pay back the plantiff.
I'm waiting for Clara to say something about him. I know it's coming.
Surprisingly, no comment.
It's 4:12pm. Let me fold the rest of the laundry.
Ok, I need to change the channel. On this case the plantiff and defendant are both white so she probably won't make any comment but still there is way too much drama going on.
Quiet time. Folding clothes. Judge Joe Brown.
C: (groaning)
Me: What's wrong?
C: Well what do you think is wrong? Everything is wrong. I'm trying to have a bowel movement and I'm hurting.
Me: What's hurting?
C: Well, the concern over not having had a bowel movement all this time. Get my doctor on the phone! I want some results around here. Do you think it's all in my head or something? A person is laying here trying to have a bowel movement and it's just very serious.
Me: Ok.
C: And I keep on asking and asking and asking! Will someone get me a wet cloth so I can wipe my face and put some makeup on?! Hellooooooo! Is anyone there!
(Now watching George Lopez)
C: I don't wanna watch something as silly as this. I'm sure you're not watching.
Me: What about this?
C: Well of course. That's I Love Lucy. That's a very good program. She died didn't she?
Me: Yes.
C: What about Zsa Zsa?
Me: Ummm?
C: Did she get her legs cut off?
Me: I don't know.
C: I never heard anything else about it. I think she got her legs cut off but she is so vain and rich that she called the people at the paper and demanded that they not tell anyone. I think that's what happened.
Me: I think so too.
C: Well sure. You know a woman like that doesn't want people to know.
Me: Oh sure.
C: Hellooooooo! Are you there?
Me: Yes.
C: Well would you put my eyebrows on and make them even?
Me: Sure.
C: Well I can just feel that that one is too low. You have to follow the bone structure you know. They have to be even you know. And not too heavy you know. I don't need dark eyebrows on with my complexion.
Me: How's that?
C: (Looks in mirror) Well it's too low. They don't match. Well just give it here.
Me: You need a new eyebrow pencil.
C: Just do it lightly. I don't need dark eyebrows. See, now I need a new eyebrow pencil. That's because you don't fix it after you use it you know.
Me: Of course.
C: (Putting on foundation, lipstick and mascara) Ummm, hellooooo! Do you have an extra eyebrow pencil?
I Love Lucy is over
C: They don't have any good programs like that anymore. Can you open this one up? (Her blush)
Me: Sure.
C: So you only have one eyebrow pencil, huh?
Me: Yes.
C: Oh, I have a lot of them at home. (She is home.)
I Love Lucy is on again.
C: They don't make good programs like that anymore you know.
The clothes are folded.
C: So what will you have for supper?
Me: Well, I'm going to go home for supper, but someone will be here soon.
C: Oh you live somewhere?
Me: Yes.
C: Oh that's good. Well it was sure nice of you to come over.
Me: Oh no problem.
C: Well I wasn't discussing if it was a problem or not. I was just saying it was sure nice.
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