I haven't been writing lately. I mean, I've been writing but not writing writing if you know what I mean? I've been posting poorly written ballads that simply maintain the integrity of the writing challenge I have set for myself for the month. I am so looking forward to next month when I can begin acrostic poems. But I haven't really been releasing stuff. Real stuff. Not even in my journals. See, even this post is bullshit. I need it though. This free write about nothing. This reminder to write. This reminder that there is stuff stuffed inside of me that I am holding onto even though I think I let it go.
Tonight I went to a coffee shop with my cousin +Ursula Dillon and it felt good releasing with her. We are first cousins and haven't had a face to face conversation in over two years. And then it was because we were at the same family New Years Eve dinner. It felt good crying in front of her over shit I thought I had forgotten. Shit, as we discussed, is pealed and forgiven in layers. It just is. I am thankful I got a chance to give her the space to hear what was stuffed inside of her. We all have our stuff.
I love you, Ursula. I do. Like we agreed tonight, we gotta keep showing up. We get hurt but we can't make that an excuse to say fuck it and move on. Although it could be easy to do. Family is not easy. Has it ever been? Is anyone's family easy?
Ours is a family unwilling to rock boats so the waters seem calm because we, I think, are resigned to that that's the only way they can look. But rocky waters is not the end of life. We don't fight in our family. Not really. I don't think any of us are really close enough to fight. We politely smile and hold shit inside and go our separate ways and retreat to our friends, the families we chose. Tonight, Ursuala and I were committed to doing a different thing. We recommitted to a for real friendship inside of family. A for real closeness and connection. So far it looks like coffee and catch up once a month and hey, that's a start.