I'm exhausted. I already had a nap but clearly not one long enough. I'm tired but not sleepy. Thankfully at my mom's home. Uraeus is comfortable. That makes me happy. I'm enjoying a really good book right now hoping that soon I will be in a space where I feel like talking to people. I'm just not there. That feeling doesn't include the family I'm with right now, but any effort of a phone conversation is a fail. Texting is easier. I can hide behind a text. One simple smiley face and there, I'm cool.
My blog is my favorite hobby. It allows me to see in glowing black and white how I'm feeling. Of course sometimes I have to read between my own lines. I'm running too much. Not like exercising, but moving. I need stillness. I need two days alone in a hotel with grapes and water and orange juice and no commitments for at least a week. I'm afraid to go back into the hospital. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I don't want the numbness from the medication. Ever again. Besides, I don't have time. I keep creating no time for my self care. Red Stories is the third Sunday of each month, which is Sunday after tomorrow and Jaha and Friends! is the fourth Saturday of each month. I'm teaching every day except for Tuesdays. I have a standing appointment assisting a friend on that day. I'm teaching a writing class on Monday nights that I am considering canceling. And I'm booked on outside shows. All of these are activities I love. But. But. I'm not taking any time for me. And I need it now more than I ever did. I know my body. I know my mind. It's screaming but I ain't listening.
I think on some level I created and accepted these responsibilities to keep myself occupied and with a big enough reason to not check in again. Maybe. Whatever the reason, hospital is not what I want, need? or will accept right now anyway. I am going to create some time and healing for myself though. I'm promising myself. Of course I say this as I just accepted two out of state jobs. But I am though. I'm gonna rest soon.
My friends are blessings. Old ones and new. Dinner and conversation with L last week was life. Was
vacation from my every day hustle. Was hours of easy and genuine laughter. Was fuel. Was what I needed then. Was no pressure.
The words and stories and thoughts fill up in my head. So I release.