Last week when I saw my therapist we talked about letting go. About releasing energy. About freeing our bodies, my body really, of bitter and old and poisonous energy. It is sad that as I write this, the world has to let go of Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna and the other people who lost their lives in the helicopter crash this morning. We don't have to let go of love. But we must release the people.
My conversation with my therapist was not about Kobe. But about letting go of grudges. I have been holding onto some for many years. I read a meme today that said, "I thought of you today. It pissed me off." I can so relate to that. When I would see them, hear their names, have to communicate for any reason or even be reminded of them, the anger like lava would rise as if the incidents were brand new.
Today I woke up with a strong desire to take myself back. To fully posses all of me and not give space in my head to people with whom I don't even want connections. There is one ex in particular who was always incredibly critical of it seemed everything I did. Even now when I am painting I hear his voice and sometimes I even respond. There are also times when I'm driving and I hear his voice and I have to literally shout, "I'm not having fake arguments today!"
More important to me today is releasing anger toward people I love. People I want to keep in my life but want to separate those feelings from those people. Don't get me wrong. This isn't about forgiving and forgetting. I think remembering is important. I can see my scars and know who made them without keeping the people responsible in prison. I'm tired of playing warden to people who don't even know they're in jail.
So I say goodbye to some and send them away and I create new relationships with others. I'm cautious and guarded though. I slowly release my side eye as time goes by. But it's there. And I don't think that's a bad thing. But I am ready to recreate some relationships in such a way that I am not constantly (even if only quietly) reminding them of what they did to me. Or what they didn't do for me that also hurt. I know that I have done my share of doing and neglecting. I had to ask myself if the people are worth keeping in my life or not. If they are then I have to find a way to keep living and loving. And free myself of anchors holding me back.
Ain't none of this easy. You know that. I let go often then I get triggered again and I'm back having fake arguments. Letting go is not like dropping off a bag of bricks and then speeding away. Releasing toxic energy is like blowing away a trash bag full of filthy feathers. I can blow all I want but some stick around and hide in the darnedest places. I can keep sweeping until they're all gone or give up hope of the anger and pain ever going anywhere and even attracting more. I don't know about you, but I have enough weight I'm carrying that is not serving me.
Maybe because it's January and this is the month for new beginnings. Maybe because last year was so hard for me I didn't know I would survive and now I'm ready to just let the anger go. Even if the releasing is little by little. One pesky feather at a time.
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