Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Working it out

It's 2:10 right now and I'm at the rehabilation center with my client. Thank God for wifi. Seriously. I'm trying to stay positive today but the truth is that I feel so angry. This is part of it. Part of coming down from the high. The up side of this illness. This thing I'm trying to be bigger than. No one can tell I'm angry but I am. Angry about nothing. Nothing I can explain. I went to Starbucks this morning and burst into tears as I gave the barista my $2.25 for my banana walnut bread. I know I shouldn't have had a banana walnut bread but whatever. Judge yourself.

I'm breathing through it. It's temporary. I'll be back to even soon. I want this old guy sitting across from me to stop looking at me. I want his wife to drink her Ensure quietly. Thankfully my client is easy. She's very easy and so is her family.

This is one of those days I could check into a hotel and just let this feeling pass. I've been documenting my ups and downs for myself and I can see the pattern. I try to prevent it each time but it shows up nonetheless. High high high then sinking sinking sinking then slowly back to even. I keep trying new tricks to stop this train and let's just say, it's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress.

Writing helps. I've said it a million times here and it's true. It does. Maybe something about seeing my thoughts outside of my head instead of swimming around inside makes it a little better. I dunno.

I had a moment today that scared me. I felt like I might need to go back into the hospital. What scared me was that I don't think I'm going to do that. I don't wanna stay overnight. I just need to take some meds to skip this part. This sinking part. But that's not gonna happen. I will have to check in.

I'm breathing through it.

No comments:

Post a Comment