Standing

I was on a poetry panel recently and someone asked me why I write everyday. "It is a thing I have become." Was my response. A thing I don't comprehend the sum of until I go through old journals, blog posts, interviews and scrap papers shoved in my glove compartment, trunk and nightstand. This blog is like that. Shaping itself into this bipolar 2 topic I didn't predict. The journey of it. Even before I was diagnosed when I referred to the mania as up days and the depression as down days. Or, as I actually refer to them, as down down down days. I have recorded this process as best as I could here. Some entries were clearer than others but hey, I did what I could. I have been told that my posts have helped others living with this illness. I don't know how the posts have helped them but I imagine just by knowing that they are not alone. Not alone with the thoughts, feelings, rising and sinking. Not alone with feeling frustrated by being misunderstood and not being able to explain. Not alone with the crying and crying and depression and laughing for no reason. The laughing for all of the reasons. There are many living with this illness privately but I choose not to. I choose to explain it as best as I can. I choose to show you what I can show you so that maybe we all understand a little bit more.

Today is no different. Another recording / lamenting on the always the back and forth / ups and downs that won't stop. Even after a good week. And this was a good week. A resplendent weekend. Picked up my son on Friday, L.A. County Fair on Saturday and movies on Sunday. Love. Laughter. Food. Family. Chill time and conversations. There was a moment I had to listen to myself on Saturday and not attend a funeral I really wanted to attend. Less than a month ago I attended two funerals and as I was getting dressed I heard myself say that I shouldn't go. I didn't listen. Saturday when I heard it, I listened. All in all I had an up week. High high days. The high days, by the way, come with very little warning from the same nowhere place the low days come from. I do what I can to control them but mostly I check in with myself to see where I am every day, every hour. I feel the climbing as I feel the sinking. None of it is easy. It is a journey I am learning and accepting. An it I am going through.

Sidenote here. This is a thing you want to be someone's fault. Even if it's your own. This is a thing you want to take a pill for and have it be over. But mental illness is not a headache. Bipolar 2 is not a lying wife or cheating husband. It's no one's fault. There is no one pill or magic word. There is living with it. There is recognizing the signs and staying alive. There is loving yourself. There is being aware and checking in with yourself every moment.

I have learned the hard way to be careful on the high days. Careful not to make promises and statements because I am feeling sooooo good. I felt this on Saturday especially. The super bliss. The floating. The kind of floating that makes me want to promise myself and everyone around me that I will always float. I didn't make the promise. I kept the floating to myself and danced around in it. I rode the wave for as long as it would stay and missed it even while I had it knowing it would leave me before I was ready. The highs are like lovers you know are no good for you. You know you will pay for their presence in your life.

Even though I know that that kind of high doesn't stay there is a disappointment when the euphoria leaves. This is not a down down down day. Not even a low day. Today I am on notice. To be careful. To be aware. To stay off of the sugar, to exercise, to pray, to write and love myself. To stay away from much of the news, even MSNBC which I love. To stay off of Facebook as much as I can. I will log on later to promote Red Stories this month and maybe respond to a few messages but then I need to jump off. For my own good. When my brain and body put me on notice that the sinking is coming, then Facebook is not healthy because it only feeds the the lies my thoughts tell me. Has me compare myself on my low days to someone else's highs or smiling photos and awards and accolades and accomplishments. Today I am on notice to steady my feet for the winds of my mind shifting. I feel it coming and I will not let this thing take me down. I will stand and love myself and be as easy on myself as I can. On days like this I clean my home and create as much beauty as I can to set myself up to win. I light candles and redecorate and busy myself with organizing and thankfully I have a lot of editing to do with my writing. And thank God for this blog. This blog where I release the words and positive and negative thoughts in my head. Although I try to keep it as positive as I can.

I got in very late last night and had really bad menstrual cramps all night long. Yeah, just what I wanted. The stars aligned in my favor though because I got a call yesterday to inform me that I didn't need to go work today so at least I could sleep in and deal with the monstorous cramps in bed. Except today was therapy day. I was actually, as I am usually, looking forward to going to therapy. But not looking forward to sitting there nauseous. So as much as I didn't want to, I called last night and cancelled my session today.

Even with my stomach kicking and screaming all day, it's been a quietly, productive, easy day. To those of you living with this...thing, and not just this, to those of you dealing with the stress of your every day, I have listed some things I do to set myself up to win, but you find your own. Find them. Win. I need you to survive. We need each other.


Be easy on yourself today. I will.