Workin it out

Good morning all. It's 5:24 and I'm awake. I'm feeling much better than I did yesterday. Yesterday was rough. The episodes are getting deeper. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken myself off of the medication so soon. Or at all. I like the idea of the herbs I'm taking but truthfully I don't know if this St. John's Wort, fish oil, b 12 concoction is strong enough to manage the flips of my mind.

I was afraid yesterday. I'm always afraid when an episode lasts more than three days. My thoughts get low and believable. I get afraid to call. I get afraid to ask for help. I tell myself that there is nothing that anyone can do anyway. In my rational moments I know that's not true.

In a clear moment two weeks ago I planned a birthday party for myself. Yesterday I was overwhelmed by the thought of it. I thought I would wake up today like I have been waking up, like not feeling like doing anything but stay in bed. Even though I do get out of bed. My life is not such that I can afford to just pull the covers over my head because I'm having a moment, or a week. What has me anxious is the work it takes to act like everything is ok in front of the people I love. Maybe that's why yesterday was so hard. The party is tonight and yesterday I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Wouldn't be able to pull myself together.

I did though. Pulled myself together. I went to my son's football game and laughed with him on the way home. The day is early but I think I will be fine tonight. Glad I didn't cancel it. I do have to find some healing method to treat this illness because I'm not willing to go back on the medication that I know I need and the herbs don't seem to be strong enough. The episodes are stronger than before and it's harder to pull myself out of it. Plus I'm going through the ups and downs at the same time. Maybe I'm only fooling myself when I pretend to be ok in front of others. Maybe they know I'm off and just don't understand what's going on. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I'm going to try to get some more sleep. But thank you for...listening.