Me with me part 1

?* Wellll???

Jaha* Well, I guess I talk to myself all the time anyway, why not make that public.

?* So why the blog?

Jaha* I keep asking and answering that question. Guess it keeps coming up because I keep trying to answer it when really the answer is, just because. Just because that's what I'm led to do right now.

Been thinking a lot about my...mortality. Seems like every time I turn around someone else is...gone. No one is ever gone, but, you know. I think about what I want to leave future generations. Uraeus is always asking me to tell him stories about my grandfather and I feel like I've told all the ones I have to tell. The blog, I guess is my way of keeping the memories alive. The memories of me, of the family, of my thoughts, dreams, my fears, my faults, failures, successes.

I wish I knew what my aunts and uncles thought about.

?* Like who?

Jaha* Aunts and uncles I never knew. Grandmommy used to talk a lot about Aunt Ella. She said I was like her.

?* In what way?

Jaha* Not sure really, but when she would say it it would always be at a time when I did something that made me feel stupid like when I mumbled something or...

?* Mumbled something?

Jaha* Yeah, like I would feel embarrassed about asking for something, anything and I would mumble and she would mock me and call me Aunt Ella. But I think maybe I was like her. Maybe I thought like her, or maybe she was an artist or wanted to be. I don't know.

?* Why the Mary poems and stories?

Jaha* (laughs) My way of connecting, I guess. Connecting to family I don't know. Mary was my grandmother's first child who passed away three days after she was born. I think about who she would have been. Who we would have been for each other. I think about her.